To Whom It May Concern:
This is to state that my patient, BQ (a.k.a. The Beached Quill) has been found to have a heart of pure Titanium.......no....make that Vibranium....or whatever the hell they call that crap they make in that cool African country Waka-Waka-Land......
He's by far the healthiest blogger I've ever attended to........much fitter than the other blogger I treat, the 300 pound guy living in his mother's basement who hacked the U.S. Elections, NATO's nuclear codes, Facebook, and your mother's last 2 e-mails........
In fact, BQ's so healthy, he'll live long enough to play Gandalf in all the "Lord Of The Rings" remakes........right now, he could scarf down 3 Big Macs plus a bucket of KFC Extra Crispy and still weigh in 175...........
His EKG has the best squiggly lines I've ever seen in a patient.....(although I'm not entirely sure how that works.....I cut that class to go to a Fraternity bash)......come to think of it, there's no squiggles in it at all......it's completely flat. That's a good thing, right?
Overall, the BQ could live another 257 years.......he has the genes of a Galapagos Tortoise.....and moves at about the same speed........this is one guy who'll never have to worry then Medicare gets reduced to 2 band-aids and an Advil for everyone.
Respectfully and truthfully submitted,
Dr. Reince Butcher, M.D.
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