WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL DOUBLE FEATURE EDITION...."WHEN THE SCHMITT HITS THE FAN" & " TOMMY TUBERVILLE'S NIGHT OF THE FLYING FURRIES"......

We proudly present the Republican Senate's most distinguished perceptive members, Eric Schmitt...

And now we proudly present another shining star of the Republican Senate, Tommy Tuberville, whose intelligence level, on a good day, equals that of an average block of concrete.....

And the madness never stops, not even for a minute.....

BQ visitors, have a wonderful weekend!  See you next week.

Trumpanzees:  Try to resist the urge to storm airplane cockpits to hunt down furries. And try to re-consider voting for MAGA candidates whose I.Q.'s approach vegetable levels....people that dumb don't usually end up doing much good for the suckers who put them in office....

' THE PIRATES OF BLOOD RIVER'......ARRRRRRRR!! HAMMER SWASHBUCKLERS ON THE HUNT FOR GOLD.....

 The Pirates of Blood River (1962)

     Ahoy, mateys.....and all Hammer films enthusiasts. Time to set sail for some tropical isle where the villagers might be hidin' a heap 'o gold....but not for long, they don't. 

       And look who's charge of this scurvy, scurrilous band of brigands.....a glowering eye-patched Christopher Lee as the taciturn French pirate Larouche. He's Dracula with a sword and pistol...hardly speaking but you know he means business. 

        Tireless Hammer scribe Jimmy Sangster knew the studio had no money whatsoever for a seagoing adventure, so his pirates spend the entire film on land. In this case a long lost island of Protestant settlers, led by a stern religious zealot (Andrew Keir) who just banished his son (Harryhausen monster fighter Kerwin Matthews) to a brutal penal colony for having an adulterous lover. (Poor sweetie gets gobbled up by the resident river piranhas early on....)

       Escaping the colony, Matthews comes upon Lee and his vicious crew, with Lee promising he'll restore justice to Matthew's community if his men can camp out on the island.

       Foolish, foolish boy, that Kerwin.  Lee and the 'arrrr' gang immediately commence to ravishing the women, shooting and stabbing the men and demanding Keir give up the hidden gold. Bloody battles ensue with Matthews joining forces with another island stalwart played by Glenn Corbett (of "The Crimson Kimono" and "Route 66").

       While Lee never breaks his cool, cold demeanor, his Hammer-ized British pirates have themselves a terrific old time, chewing up the scenery and brawling with each other. You can spot a seething Oliver Reed and Hammer regular Michael Ripper, laughing uproariously as Lee's loyal (up to a point) First Mate. Ripper no doubt loved getting way more screen time here than he ever did playing grumpy innkeepers in the Dracula films. 

         Swordfights and gunplay rage on and on until it all ends as you knew it would, with those pond piranhas making a comeback to get in the final word. Director John Gilling moves things along fast enough so you'll hardly notice that this tropical island looks more like Sherwood Forest.

         And let's tip our hats to this dedicated cast, who spent an entire scene wading through a filthy polluted pond that the film's stuntmen refused to set a toe in. (Lee and Reed suffered medical issues and Ripper almost drowned....)  Such is the lot of actors toiling in the low budget trenches.....they're lucky Hammer didn't make them go out and buy their own swords....

        Hammer completists won't want to miss catching this one at least once. And anyone (like us) who's always been a sucker for pirate movies......well, you could do a lot worse than this one.

         2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)  

'SPIDERMAN: BRAND NEW DAY......OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEBBING MARVEL WEAVES.......

Spiderman: Brand New Day (2026) 

          We're always thrilled and proud beyond description to add yet another of our notorious "Last Blogger On Earth To Review This Movie" postings.......

       As BQ viewers well know, this way we've no need to bore you (and ourselves) to tears describing the plot, which 50,000 bloggers, critics and assorted cinema pundits have already laboriously covered in excruciating detail.

         Only Taylor Swift's wedding and Inde Navarette's 'Obsession' frown received as much media attention as this movie.

         Let's just zip right through the highs, lows and whatevers.......

         Was this a cure for Marvel Superhero fatigue that some people claim it was?

          Not as much as we thought. Tom Holland still maintains his boyish charm, even though his Peter Parker is now older, battle-hardened and pining for lost love. But even with all its high octane CGI spider-fighting, we found it the usual overlong, exhausting and clumsily organized chore to sit through. 

         Marvel could truly stun the fans and the world with a 90 minute superhero movie that you can finish sitting through without a powerful urge to pee......Maybe Christopher Nolan would consider doing one...(we kid, we kid....)

        What about an iconic, worthy villain?  Anybody see one?  We didn't.

          Two main adversaries here, neither one a world-beater. Sadie Sink as Jean Gray, a pissed off X-Men (X-Person?) refugee who can leapfrog from mind to mind.  Then there's mundane, business suited Bill Metzger (Tramell Tillman), who's been causing all the Jean Gray rage by torturing her kid sister. Metzger just wanders out of the movie with no consequences and Jean, we assume, will wander over into the next 3 hour 'Avengers' film.  Yawn-worthy, both of 'em. 

        Together, these two come off like a Who's Who of Who cares......only serving to make us infinitely nostalgic for Alfred Molina's Dr. Octopus to once again fling about his metallic tentacles. Now there was a villain for the ages......

        What's with the webbing, anyway?

         Don't know why these movies can't seem to decide if Spidey should ejaculate webbing out of his own wrists or use mechanical doodads to do it for him. Don't really care much, either. If the spider DNA consumes Petey's body, then we guess the next Spiderman can be a re-boot of 'Arachnaphobia'.

           Our choice for MVP here.....

           Easily goes to Florence Pugh as Yelena Belova, the dryly deadpan newly christened Black Widow, taking over from her late sister (Scarlet Johannsen). Conducting all her superhero business while lounging naked in a bathhouse pool. Because...why the hell not?  She supplies the witty breath of fresh air this movie so desperately needed. 

    

         The filmmaking.

         After 'Supergirl' and this film we're getting really, really sick of directors and cinematographers employing dark, ugly, de-saturated color schemes for comic book movies.  Maybe these people would enjoy themselves more doing making remakes of "Taxi Driver" and "Se7en".

           Mark Ruffalo's Hulk....

           Would've loved to see someone try Robert Downey Jr. Ironman joke.....poke him with a pencil to see if you can annoy him enough to go green.....

           F*** the Alternate Universes.....

            Let us once again reiterate how much we loathe and despise the Marvel alternate universe bullshit with the heat of a thousand suns. We vaguely remember Dr. Strange dabbling in this mind numbing nonsense, which leaves Peter Parker's beloved MJ (Zendaya) having no memory of him. And that leads to those tedious star-crossed Peter/MJ scenes that slow down a movie that's already a half hour too long.  

          Once again, thoughts and prayers for those dead and injured as collateral damage....

          Since nobody in the Marvel Universe ever thinks about it, we take a moment of silence to offer our sympathy and condolences to all pedestrians and motorists who end up most certainly killed or severely injured as Spidey and his opponents smash and crash their way through city streets.....

           And finally......the horror....the horror...

          An even longer version of 'Brand New Day' is planned for a future release in theaters....We've seen enough. Hard pass.

           One last word......

            We realize these opinions don't line up with the overwhelming popularity of the film, whose box office receipts total somewhere over a billion dollars.  We'd credit the following people for that kind of monumental success that's allowed the Marvel corporate empire and Sony pictures to milk this cash cow for over 25 years....(including those utterly unnecessary, who-asked-for-them Andrew Garfield 'Amazing Spiderman' entries....)

           We speak of  Marvel masters Stan Lee and artist Steve Ditko, creating the teen-angsty superhero who so captured the hearts and minds of children, teens and adults. 

             And film director Sam Raimi, who with his first original Spiderman trilogy, brought Lee and Ditko's creations to glorious cinematic life. Thrilling, funny, heartfelt and beautifully rendered, Raimi's gifted work provided the wellspring of good will that the Marvel still uses to fatten it coffers.

        For Lee, Ditko and Raimi, 5 stars (*****).

        For "Spiderman: Brand New Day, 2 stars (**).

             

         

       

'THE FRENCH ILLUSION'.....HONEYMOONING IN PARIS TURNS PERILOUS......

 The French Illusion by John Grisham (2026)   

     Leave it to skilled storyteller John Grisham to make an international terrorists-vs-CIA clash every bit as nuanced, detailed and suspenseful as his legal thrillers.

     The main adversary here, fueled by fierce, unforgiving vengeance, oversees the kidnapping of young American honeymooners in Paris with unerring clockwork precision. After a short time, the brides are released, shaken but relatively unharmed......but only after their families transmit a 2 million dollar ransom. While the families of the husbands must pay the same amount. those honeymooning grooms remain hostages and their captors subject them to a full array of physical tortures.

     With three couples already victimized, this brutally efficient gang finally reach the attention of the FBI, CIA, NSA, French Security forces and the White House. As the stricken families and their rescued traumatized daughters worry themselves sick in maddening frustration, the wheels of global law enforcement finally move into action. And in the midst of all their operations, one low level CIA agent in particular comes up a with daring seriously perilous mission to put a stop to the plot, and save the kidnapped husbands before their very possible execution.

     You can probably tell from the above description, this storyline is tailor made to keep you in its grip from the first page to the last. John Grisham expertly introduces his rapidly growing cast of government operatives and all their machinations, diplomatic rivalries and personal quirks. There's no big surprises or twists to reveal but the methodic, relentless turning of the wheels of oncoming justice can't help but keep a reader turning those pages at top speed..........with even the most unlikely (and wry) forced proximity romance thrown into the mix for additional entertainment.

     "The French Illusion' is just one of those books where you know you're in super capable hands from the moment you dive into it. Most assuredly one of the top Fall thriller reads of this year.

     4 stars (****). 

'TRUST FALL'......NEBRASKA MEETS NEW YORK CITY.......WATCH THE ROMANTIC SPARKS FLY......

  Trust Fall by Lynn Painter (2026)

     'Trust Fall' may proudly take its place as the ultimate YA romance of this reading season. Simply because author Lynn Painter makes this book one-stop shopping for EVERY familiar and duly expected genre trope imaginable.

     Adorable good-hearted girl straight from the heartland of Nebraska? Julia's here for you. Then suddenly, our captivating Jules and her curly 'Pretty Woman' hair are made wealthy and thrown into that Mean Girl infested 9th circle of Hades....the exclusive New York City prep school. Oh yes indeed, she's there, alright. And the only thing missing from this bottomless pit of Uppercrust bullies are the usual cliques of vampires and witches.

     Plagued by weak math abilities that might jeopardize her enrollment (and her family's windfall of New Money), our girl must accept tutoring from Damion, the school's handsomest, snarkiest purveyor of rapid fire quips......mostly about Nebraska girls. Their banter, as you knew it would starts to veer from mutual distrust and dislike into......dare I say it out loud? A growing attraction to each other that keeps their internal thoughts helplessly obsessing about their.....uh.....hotness. and kissing potential.

     This is especially bedeviling for the sharp tongued Damion, because his own beloved late uncle was in fact the benefactor who turned Julia and her family into instant multi-millionaires. So his original agenda to somehow expose and accuse Julia and family as shady usurpers now conflicts with his realization that Julia's as honest, genuine and overall lovable as she appears to be.

     Lynn Painter, like a supremely skilled acrobat, simultaneously juggles all these ingredients.......enemies-to-lovers, forced proximity, secret complications, snobs vs. salt-or-the-earth folk,, quaint small town vs. NYC's Upper West Side, , a meet-cute to remember......and some swoon inducing moments to the max..

      And all of this packed into one single book? If you're always entranced by this kind of story, then I don't know what more you could ask for. A fully stocked romantic buffet awaits......

     4 stars (****).

'BEWITCHED'....THIS POOR GIRL'S BESIDES HERSELF......LITERALLY...

  Bewitched (1945)

       For you curators and collectors of obscure, weird cinema.....BQ found a goody for you.

       This might be the first split personality thriller from a major studio (MGM).....over a decade before Joanne Woodward's "The Three Faces of Eve" (a triple play, that one) and Sally Field's terrific TV movie "Sybil" (where our gal Sal practically hosted a convention of multiple people inside her addled head.)

       'Bewitched' came to life from the prolific mind of writer-director Arch Oboler, whom we'd describe as a sort of minor-league, C-minus Rod Serling/William Castle.  Oboler began in his career in radio mysteries like 'Lights Out' and in moving on to the movies, dabbled in sci-fi, horror, mystery and generally oddball exploitation....(such as "Bwana Devil", the first official 3-D film).

         "Bewitched", in its swift, trim 65 minutes, throws us into the torments of sweet innocent cutie-pie Joan Ellis (a game enough Phyllis Thaxter). It's a little crowded inside Joan's mind, since it's also housing her evil alter-ego Karen (voiced by Audrey Totter).

        Joan's Karen is way more malignant than today's Karens, the ones who call the cops on black kids mowing the lawns.  This Karen, a snarling bitch-on-wheels, wants full possession of Joanie's bod.....she's done squatting in there and announces her intention to stick around as the sole tenant.  

        Bewitched, bothered and bewildered, Joan ditches her too-good-to-be-true fiance Bob (Henry H. Daniels Jr.) and flees across the country to New York. Young lawyer Eric (Stephen McNally) falls hard for sweet Joan but invisible psychotic Karen continues to make life hell for her.  When Bob tracks her down to bring her home, Karen takes over completely, encouraging Joan to plunge a scissors into Bob's back. Bobby...we hardly knew ye.

       And now we come to the film's most interesting concept....uncomfortably similar to today's recent headlines about the mom who could only get a hung jury for killing her three children.

        Joan's now on trial for murder, with one foot in the electric chair and the other on a banana peel. Her lawyer (Eric, of course) tries defending her on an insanity plea, arguing that Cuckoo Clock Joan couldn't possibly be held accountable for her actions. And believe or not, he's on the verge of a Not Guilty verdict, till Joan stands up shrieking "I did it!  I did it!".......which puts her right back on death row and a sit-down on that juiced up hot seat.

        Arch Oboler, always a dedicated pulp fictioneer, then sends the film lurching into a ridiculous. overheated but none the less entertaining climax in the office of the New York state Governor.

        For a stay of execution, Eric and a previously skeptical psychiatrist (Edmond Gwenn) try to show the Gov and his wife that Joan's being trolled by that krazy Karen. At long last, under hypnosis, Karen's evil bad self comes out to play. And Gwenn, like a modern day witch doctor  or "The Exorcist"s Father Merrin banishes Karen into oblivion......(or for all we know, a prime position on Trump's cabinet as Director of Homeland Security.)

         Silly, but sincere in its clunky plotting and questionable mental health ethics, we got a nice little pre-Halloween chill out of 'Bewitched" .....and you've gotta love the scene where lawyer Eric starts doing a a way too frenzied out loud play-by-play on the jury's facial expressions when they return with a verdict....

         For those curators and collectors we mentioned at the beginning of this review, (especially those familiar with some of Arch Oboler's nuttier projects, like "The Twonky" and "The Bubble", this one's worth checking out.

      3 stars (***). Nutty as a peanut M & M, but fun to munch.

        

       

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL ALL-ACCESS, FULLY VETTED AND CREDENTIALED ENTRY INTO THIS WEEK'S LUNACY.......

 

BQ visitors:  Have a safe, terrific weekend! See you next week!