'SHELTER'.......MORE GENERIC THUGS NEED STATHAM-IZING........ZZZZZZZZZ.........

 Shelter (2026)

     We don't want to spend any more time writing a review of this usual Jason Statham movie than was spent on writing its screenplay.....

       We're guessing 20 minutes tops.....maybe 30 if the writer stopped to pee or have a cup of coffee. 

       This one follows the template....."grizzled, monosyllabic ex-black ops commando comes across feisty child and whole bunches of black ops commandos out to kill him....he protects the child while wiping out commandos who regularly show up like pop-up video game villains...."

        And there you have your standard Statham product, fresh off the assembly line that pushes out these Statham sausages at the rate of one every 2 months or so. 

        Do we need to say any more?  Do you really need to read detailed descriptions of the Jason-ator shooting, stabbing, punching and kicking combat clad minions......you can almost hear the director shouting out like a Broadway choreographer.... 'One...two...three...kick! One...two...three...kick!'

        Somewhere in this sludge, you can spot a cadaverous looking Bill Nighy as the government mastermind who's sending out all the kill squads. Not that he does anything special while he's waiting his turn to get Statham-ized. 

        As for our star, it's like he turned into Rick Ford, the exaggerated lampoon of himself he played in the Melissa McCarthy comedy "Spy".....("Nothing kills me. I'm immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison ingesting crime ring.")

         He's still playing Rick Ford, only without the quips recollecting his prowess. Maybe if his writers and directors threw some of those zingers in, we'd start to like these movies more.....

         1 star (*) Same old, same old......

          Okay, the review's done. And we didn't even stop to pee or take a coffee break. 

       

'BAD INTENTIONS'......BACK TO HOME SWEET HOME AGAIN.......WITH ALL THE BURIED MURDER VICTIMS.....

  Bad Intentions by Iliana Xander (2026)

     Once a book starts tantalizing me with vague descriptions of past crimes coming back to bedevil its current day characters, I can't help but go all in with it, totally hooked.

     Our lead, Josie Boots has fallen victim to that singular malady that afflicts heroines of either romcoms or insulated small town thrillers......a embarrassing, humiliating misstep that's left her hated, scorned, a pariah, an outcast, and fair game for cruel memes and posts.

     So what else is there to do but return to her small town home. It's where her ailing grandmother lives under a cloud of suspicion over the town's most scandalous past crimes.....brutal crimes of arson and murder that also hang over Josie's late mother. Not exactly the best place to piece your life back together. Especially when some anonymous caller in town claims to hold the answers to all the dark secrets of Josie's family.

     But her attempt to meet with this individual appears to come to an abrupt, violent end. Or does it? And here's where author Iliana Xander stirs up the pot (and the plot) putting an ever growing pile of clues, reveals and finally some real threats in Josie's path.

     By the time 'Bad Intentions' throws a full spotlight on every last murder in Burnville (oh yes, you can bet there's more than one) you'll have to shift into that 'stop-whatever-I'm-doing-to-finish-this-book' zone.'.....a sure sign of one irresistible mystery read.. High recommendation here.

     4 stars (****).

'MICHAEL'.....FOR THOSE WHO SEPARATE THE ART FROM THE ARTIST.......

 Michael (2026)

      We're surprised as anybody else to end up reviewing this. 

        Honestly we had no intention of bothering to see this film, even for the purpose of covering it for  this blog. We were content to forget all about the strange, weird and sordid life of pop star Michael Jackson. 

         And we were already well aware that the film covered only the glory years of his young career, with beautifully rendered recreations of the concerts and an uncanny rendition of Jackson by one of his nephews, Jaafar Jackson.

          Then last week, it became available to BQ through a free streaming sampling of movies on STARZ.

          So we watched it. Entertained? Sure thing... for the good stuff we just mentioned. Yes, the concert sequences rocked (taking up the bulk of the film's running time) and we doubt any actor could have duplicated Michael Jackson with such precision and fierce dedication as his nephew accomplished. Let's put it this way.....he's far better than AI, 'cause you know he's real......

        The rest of it?  Actually kind of antiquated in its construction. Director Antoine Fuqua and screenwriter John Logan assemble the film much like a glowing 1940's movie biography. It's filled with the innocent naif Michael rising to the top as he confounds corporate execs and delights thousands with his electrified singing and dancing. There's "....and then he wrote.." montages and scenes of Michael articulating his gentle, benevolent dreams of spreading joy, love and peace to the world.  The filmmaking, in its worship of its subject, resembles how old Hollywood handled biographies of famous beloved celebrities. 

        But there is a wild card running loose through the film.....Coleman Domingo's terrifying, nightmare inducing portrayal of the infamous, abusive Jackson patriarch, Joe. Physically and verbally intimidating, Joe's scarier than any of the zombies in Jackson's "Thriller" video or even Inde Navarrette in "Obsession". Like a quaking young Michael, you flinch right alongside him when Joe gets in his son's face, enraged at the boy's effort to forge his own separate career. 

        Coleman's Joe, who's like a pop music Bond villain, clearly functions as the engine that keeps the film going somewhere other than just showing you a Vegas-style variety show. (And the film only ends when he's finally and publicly thwarted by the son whose gifts he chose to exploit rather than cherish.)

The one amusing moment we remember......an almost unrecognizable Mike Myers as CBS music executive Walter Yetnikoff, ripping into MTV for not considering to play Jackson's videos. (Gen Xers may watch this scene muttering...."What? Did MTV play actual music way back then?"

           Now let's get down to the problematic question.....is it okay for fans of Jackson's iconic music and performances to enjoy this movie purely for its ability to accurately reproduce them?

          Of course it is and in no way do we begrudge anyone who spent a couple hours with this film, clapping, dancing and toe-tapping along.  Much in the same way that Roman Polanski's vile sexual assault of a child doesn't stop us from sometimes re-watching "Chinatown" and "Rosemary's Baby".  They still remain superb films and Jackson's  music still remains as catchy and beloved as ever. 

        Yes, the art can be separated from the artist but then the millions of moviegoers who made "Michael" a huge box office hit already proved that. 

         But let's keep in mind that doesn't improve our overall opinion of Jackson and Polanski as human beings.  Which is why "Michael" ends its storytelling well before Jackson's slide into freakish behavior, ruinous surgeries and and charges of pedophilia. 

        As far as the artistry of its filmmaking (but not the barely there script), "Michael" earns at least 3 stars (***).  But for those coming to it solely for the music and Jaafar Jackson's remarkable work, well then it's a 4 star feast. (****).  For those who under no circumstance will divorce the art from the artist.....you shouldn't have even wasted time reading this review.

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL 'HARP-BREAK HOTEL' EDITION......

 

BQ Visitors.....have a great, safe and relaxing weekend. See you next week!

To Trumpanzees:   You do know that he would have stuck you on the decoy plane as well, leaving you to take an Iranian missile enema while he stayed safe and sound with Natalie,  his Secretary of Diapers. You've never been anything to him but under-the-bus squashed refuse.....losers and suckers, targets for his never ending grift. Having fun yet?

'ODE TO BILLIE JOE'......DOOMED YOUNG LOVE, DEEPLY SOUTHERN FRIED.....

 Ode to Billie Joe (1976)

         Max Baer Jr. spent almost a decade playing lovable cornpone hunk Jethro Bodine in TV's "The Beverly Hillbillies", which ran on CBS form 1962 to 1971.

          So who in the world would ever guess that  a few years after 'Hillbillies' ended, Baer would briefly emerge as a writer-director auteur of the Deep South.

          As both writer and star, Baer struck nationwide boxoffice gold with his modest but powerful melodrama "Macon County Line", which riveted us city slickers just as much as the drive-in movie crowd below the Mason-Dixon line. (A film we promise to review in the near future.)

       Suddenly a hot Hollywood property, Baer went on to write and direct the family drama "The Wild McCullochs" and then secured his biggest assignment ever...... guiding Warner Brothers' film version of country singer Bobbie Gentry's 'Ode to Billie Joe', her rambling, catchy, wildly popular story-song.

       Gentry's epic length song, dripping with country flavor and attitude, recounted the sad, star-crossed love of two hormone engulfed teens, Billie Joe McCallister and Bobby Lee Hartley. Back in '53 on Choctaw Ridge, Mississippi, their romance went tragically awry when Billie Joe, for some unknown reason (in the song, anyway) threw himself off the Tallahatchie Bridge. 

       'Ode', much like Baer's 'Macon County Line' captured everyone's attention, both North and South....... and it fell to Baer and screenwriter Herman Raucher ("Summer of '42", "Sweet November") to not only bring the song to cinematic life, but tell what really destroyed the lives of these drawlin' cutie pies in the throes of their first love.

        Presumably with Baer and Gentry's approval, Raucher came up with his own startling and dramatic gut-punching revelation......and considering the era and place the film is set in, a bold, way ahead of its time plot twist to deploy. 

        This film couldn't have found a director more appreciative and understanding of the material. Baer, if nothing else, knew in his casting and cinematography how to properly evoke  the South of the 1950's. Devoid of any slick gloss, the film looks and sounds as weathered and lived in as the pickup trucks that roll across the wooden slats of the Tallahatchie. 

         And he couldn't have found two more empathetic actors for his leads. Robby Benson's Billie Joe, a sensitive outlier among the beer swillin' good ole boys comes a courtin'  Glynnis O'Connor's Bobbie Lee with the amusing deliberate manner of a silver-tongued Southern gentleman. (Herman Raucher supplies his two young lovers with pseudo ornate mock Tennessee Williams dialogue that's jarring at first to listen to at first but then becomes sort of entertaining. 

         O' Connor, capable of appearing both beautiful and plain within the same camera shot, perfectly embodies Bobby Lee's sexual longings within a protective loving family......one whose father sees her only as still a little girl. While Benson might have the most showy role here (considering the traumatic event he endures), it's O' Connor, functioning as the narrator, who breaks your heart as the romance she wished for comes apart before her eyes. 

       (As for the film's whammer explanation of Billie Joe's demise, we'll not uncover the film's jumbo spoiler......but we will say that Raucher, Baer and the cast handle it with just the right amount of low key depth and a sense of inevitable sadness.) 

       Max Baer directed only one more film ("Hometown USA"), but with the cult 'Macon County Line' and the successful crowd-pleasing 'Billie Joe' he made the most of his brief time amid the chaotic, creative landscape of 1970's filmmaking and the exciting, emerging talents that emerged out of it. 

        Maybe it might appear too corny, obvious and overwrought for today's more jaded audiences, but we still appreciate the care and skill that went into this film.  3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2)         

'THE END OF OAK STREET'.....THE FINE ART OF SPIELBERG IMITATION......

 The End of Oak Street (2026)

     Dinos running rampant in 1980's suburbia?

     You bet Jurassic they are......

      Let's put our hands together (at least for a few seconds) for writer-director David Robert Mitchell.   He took on the harder-than-it-looks task of crafting a genuine imitation Spielberg movie from Spielberg's own 1980's Golden Age...(of "E.T.", "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and his producer status on "Poltergeist", "The Goonies" and "Gremlins".)

       Not really an easy task to pull off, combining the master director's magical mixture of comedy, fantasy, action, heart-tugging moments and cheer-inducing finales. 

       Back in 2011, writer-director J.J.Abrams took a fairly good crack at it in "Super 8", about suburban kid filmmakers encountering as escaped alien monster on the loose. Lots of fun, loaded up with Spielbergian vibes to the max.  And Abrams is still back at it, functioning here as 'Oak Street's executive producer. 

         And you'd be sorely mistaken if you think crafting a Spielberg homage is easy......this year, with the severely disappointing "Disclosure Day", even Spielberg himself couldn't quite nail making a traditional Spielbergian, aliens-on-the-loose rip-off of his own classic films.

         Again, we're back in sunny, happy suburbia, where Alice and Greg Platt (Anne Hathaway, Ewan McGregor) enjoy a block party-carnival with their teen and tween kids Audrey and Brian (Maisy Stella, Christian Convery).

          Trouble in paradise, though........Having lost his job, Greg's reduced to delivering pizzas. Alice secretly pounds away at a novel about a woman aching to walk out of her marriage. Hmmm....this does not bode well....

        Know what else doesn't bode well?  The neighborhood warped into bordering a prehistoric jungle, with all manner of CGI'd dinosaurs running across the manicured lawns to stalk and munch on the neighbors like an all-you-can-eat buffet. 

        Wooo hooo! From this point on, the film puts pedal to the metal as Hathaway, McGregor and the kids desperately fight for their survival amid all the stompin', chompin' reptiles.  

        Crowd pleasing, showstopping scenes abound.....you'll cringe and wince as the family argues about their next move, unaware that a charging, hungry T-Rex currently lopes across the lawn right behind them. And let's hear it for that monstrous white snake, oozing its way through all three floors of the family's house, which they somehow manage to ignore (like the T-Rex) until they're almost snake-snacks. 

      Writer-director Mitchell puts on a true popcorn gobbling, soda slurping good time here. So good, in fact, you'll end more than willing to swallow the goofball scientific explanation for the dinos return and the extra feel good ending that could only happen in the Magic Surburbs of Spielgergia.

      And it's ironically sad, in a way, that composer Michael Giacchino slathers the film with a loud, propulsive rip-roarin' imitation John Williams score.....a feat that maestro Williams himself  could barely accomplish, finding little to inspire him when composing for his long time collaborator's muddled "Disclosure Day". 

       But as for "Oak Street", for a pure, shamelessly entertaining thrill ride (and one that doesn't burden itself with a bloated running time like some other current blockbusters) this deliriously dino-mighty treat spreads out a fine end-summer movie picnic. (Keep the lid on the mayonnaise jar when the T Rex is around......)

        4 stars (****).

 

'CLOWN IN A CORNFIELD 4: LIGHTS! CAMERA! FRENDO!....AN UNFORTUNATE FILM CREW GETS FATALLY UN-FRENDO'D.....

 

 Clown in a Cornfield: Lights! Camera! Frendo!  by Adam Cesare (2026)

     When I opened the first pages of this book, it's a wonder that a tidal wave of blood didn't come gushing out of it, much like the hotel elevators in the "The Shining" ..

     And I wouldn't want it any other way. Once again, author Adam Cesare plunges us headlong into a slasher thrill ride guaranteed to stun you with surprises and make you gasp (or lose your lunch) at the fully graphic descriptions of spectacular deaths awaiting those unfortunate enough to encounter Frendo the clown.

     Book 4 goes cleverly ultra-meta, with a film crew arriving in Kettle Springs to recreate the original Clown in a Cornfield massacre for the big screen ...(hmm, this sounds familiar.....didn't that actually happen or did I just dream I went to see a real Clown in a Cornfield movie last year?).

     For horror movie buffs, the book pokes a whole of lot of knowing satiric fun at the film crew, headed by its much celebrated action movie director, a true legend-in-his-own-mind 'genius'. And of course there's a harried Assistant Director, and a cast comprised of preening, self absorbed actors, a fashion model and the inevitable social media pseudo celebrity. But the one cast member worth rooting for and empathizing with is that young star-in-the-making Sabrina, who's been awarded the prime role of Ultimate Final Girl Quinn Maybrook, the legendary Frendo slayer.

     Now what could possibly go wrong as this bunch prepares to film the gruesome Kettle Springs massacre? Art imitating life? Life imitating art? Let the blood rush freely and the limbs and heads go flying through the corn stalks...

     There's no end of inside references to horror movie lore and filmmaking in general. I especially loved that somewhere, in the midst of all the indescribable carnage, the book throws in the most priceless, hilarious take-down of method acting that I've ever read so far. And those demanding and expecting a heaping pile of wooo-hooo!! kill scenes.....you'll not come away disappointed.

     Better than a giant bag of candy corn or fun-size Kit Kats, 'Lights! Camera! Frendo' is the tastiest (and bloodiest) of Halloween treats. But I doubt faithful readers of this series will want to contain themselves to wait for the spooky season to read it.

     4 stars (****).