THURSDAY CLOWN SHOW WRAP-UP......WHAT A BUSY WEEK FOR TERRIBLE PEOPLE......

       It struck us that this week seemed overloaded with ridiculous people who hit the public eye within the space of a few days.....

    And not in a good way. 

    We now, with deep shame and barely concealed contempt, present this week's rogue gallery, a trashy triumvirate of people we wish we'd never heard of......

      And hope to never again.

Shane Gillis's 3rd Saturday Night Live hosting...

     We're beginning to suspect that this monumentally unfunny, talentless lump has some scandalous photos or tapes he's using to blackmail SNL bigwig Lorne Michaels.

       What else could explain why this supposedly MAGA-friendly non-entity has now racked up three hosting gigs.....(and all of this happening after he'd already been kicked off the show as a potential new cast member.)

         After starting the 10/10/26 show with a desperately toxic, dead-on-arrival monologue, Gillis continued the wreckage by dropping an F-bomb during a skit and then walking off during the show's 'good-nights' final segment......(presumably to get himself back to Morgan Wallen's 'God's Country')

         He might be one of the worst stand-up comics we've ever endured......smirking and giggling to himself as he stumbles on, as if he believes it's enough that he thinks he's funny.  Uh.....nope. Not even a little bit. 

         MAGA can have him. And memo to Lorne Michaels....how about finally firing him for good this time?

Katie Zacharia, Trump's new Press Secretary

       How could Saturday Night Live possibly lampoon her?  When, to the astonishment and helpless laughter of millions, she introduced herself as a one-woman SNL skit. 

       Alfred Hitchcock's notorious obsession with blondes seems miniscule compared to Trump's. Thwarted from dating Ivanka, Trump has sent out a never ending assembly line of bubble-brained blondes as either Press Secretaries, Attorney Generals, or in Natalie's case, squeezy toy and diaper-changer. 

        You'll pardon us if we didn't chuckle at Katie's presentation, reading a prepared brief statement like a third-grader with a learning disability. 

        Think about what our country's become with a slew of brain-dead, bottom feeding slugs given important government positions......

         This is to shake our heads in disgust and sadness.....not to laugh at anymore.

Kimberly Guilfoyle, our former Ambassador to Greece.....

      Anyone notice that among the Trump Clown Car of useless, laughable scumbags, the men (Hegseth, Patel, RFK Jr.) get to freely carry out their lunacy unimpeded, unchecked.....while the women serve as nothing more than throw-'em-under-the-bus road kill.

     So we bid a fond "don't let the door bump your ass on the way out" farewell to rubber-lipped grifter Guilfoyle as she's now probably trying a  Honey Please Go Fund Me to cover her credit card debt while praying daily for a Trump pardon before the Big Macs and fries take their toll on him.

       (Don't forget to cast your vote this November!)

'DIGGER'.......CRUISE CONTROL SWERVES OFF AN ICE SHELF.......NO SURVIVORS.

 Digger (2026)

      Oh my.....oh my. Where do we even begin here?

      How do we even attempt to describe to a film destined to sweep the Golden Raspberry "Razzie" awards in every category......a film that makes Ed Wood Jr.'s "Plan 9 From Outer Space" look like "Lawrence of Arabia" and "Citizen Kane".

        It's a story we've all seen play out through the history of movies......where the massive hubris and ego of cinema's most celebrated heavy hitters lead to a catastrophic abomination of a film, a barely watchable punishment from hell to sit through. 

        The mighty duo of super-dooper star Tom Cruise and writer director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu ("The Revenant", "Babel") decided to sound the alarm on climate change and global warming. 

         They thought the best way to go about it was through satirical black comedy, just as Kubrick had done in "Dr. Strangelove". 

          But they were oblivious in the inherent problem they faced......that neither of them has anything even remotely resembling a sense of humor.

          Much like Steven Spielberg did in his reviled and maligned "1941", the dead serious Cruise/Inarittu combo thought that by having their entire cast of characters in a continuous state of frenzied hysteria, we'd convulse with helpless laughter. 

          And while we collectively choked on our guffaws, we'd take notice of the stern lessons the film proceeds to pound into our heads without mercy.

          Climate change.......bad.

          Corporate greed .....bad.

          Government officials.....bad (and real stupid, too)

          Keeping a severely suffering elderly cat alive, even as it's pissing and pooping in your bed.......bad.

          (And let us take a moment to praise the film's one and only performance of nuance, subtlety and heart rending pathos.......the animatronic entity portraying Cruise's terminal feline, Maggie. We worried, fretted and almost teared up over The Passion of the Maggie.....far more than we ever did for Tom Cruise in all his 'Mission Impossible' and 'Top Gun' outings....)

           Cruise, slathered like a mummy in prosthetics and heavy makeup, plays oil tycoon 'Digger' Rockwell. He's Jack D. Ripper, Foghorn Leghorn and Donald Trump all in one toxic package.  And for 130 tortuous minutes, Cruise chews up the scenery like he's performing in the longest ever 'Saturday Night Live' skit.

         As Cruise's Digger shamelessly cavorts in the hopes of an Oscar nomination, he sputters, fumes and rages as his Greenland drilling operation breaks off a city-sized chunk of ice. And it's drifting toward an extinction level collision with the European coastline.

        Digger gets little or no help from  his political/corporate partners-in-Earth-raping, headed by the equally apoplectic U.S. President (a bloviating, shriveled John Goodman).....who's also dying of rectal cancer, so cue the pain-in-my-ass jokes......

         And right about here's where the film pulls out what it considers its take-your-breath-away OH MY GOD A BIG TWIST WE NEVER SAW COMING!!

        We won't spill it, but it's not the first time we've laid eyes on this kind of twist. Inarittu probably swelled in pride at its deployment as a clever way to explain why Cruise and company carry on like they've all got their fingers stuck in a light socket. 

         But the twist doesn't in any way slow down the storyline, the characters' arcs or its grindingly slow path to an expected conclusion. Since from the beginning, "Digger" has already repeatedly hit you with its righteous anger like a perpetual jackhammer, you could feel free to doze off through entire sections of the film and not miss a thing.

Whoa, not so fast! After the 'Digger's-destroyed-the-world-as-we-know-it' trajectory reaches its presumed last gasp, the film yanks out its OH MY GOD, A FINAL TWIST I NEVER SAW COMING AND MAKES ME PAUSE AND THINK!!

         Yeah, right. Sure it does, Tom. Sure it does Alejandro. Oh my, did we pause and think......we paused and thought about how we'd seen this twist in dozens of  'Twilight Zone' episodes and countless dystopian sci-fi movies. Big. Effin'. Deal. 

         What truly irks us, what really burns our buns about 'Digger' is the smug, self-absorbed, self-satisfaction that it pours all over itself like thick syrup on overcooked pancakes.  We can't remember the last time we watched a film that so celebrated its own dopey cartoon-ishness as the best way to put its points across.  

          Like the methane gas escaping from its ice floes, 'Digger' arrives unfit for human consumption.

           It digs its own grave with the efficiency of a nuclear powered steam shovel.

           Rest in peace, Maggie......

            Zero stars (0).

         

'WRITTEN IN STARLIGHT'.....A SWEET CHAMBERMAID 'BOOKS' AN OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD ROMANCE......LITERALLY......

  Written in Starlight by Sloane Brooks (2026)

       I have no rational, reasonable explanations for why I fell so hard for this book. I just did. It must've been the softhearted mushy romantic deep inside that came bursting out of my chest like that disgusting little thing in "Alien". Speaking of which.......

     .....it also didn't hurt that there were ray guns, spaceships, aliens and robots aplenty. Which, in my considered opinion, you can never have enough of, especially to pop up smack in the middle of the plight of a put-upon 19th century chambermaid.

     What we've got here is an achingly star-crossed romance grandly conceived on an epic scale.......where crossing eras, planets and galaxies can be accomplished by simply losing yourself in the pages of a good book. Come to think of it, isn't that what everyone reading this review likes to do anyway?

     Cinderella-like Della Farley ekes out an impoverished, hard scrabble life, mopping and scrubbing her way through a Dickens-like bad dream of a grey grimy British town. Until she stumbles upon a book that sweeps her into the fantastic, sci-fi i swashbuckling of galactic rogue Ansel Tulzok....(think Han Solo crossed with Peter Quill of "Guardians of the Galaxy"). Ansel, as inevitable criss-crossed fate would have it, has found a mirror image book detailing Della's own heart rending story of romantic longing as she struggles to earn a paltry wage to help care for her ailing mother.

     These two strangely unique books not only give Della and Ansel the power to correspond with each other through the pages, but alter their own lives........and in Della's case, enable her to write herself directly into Ansel's amazing adventures, sharing his dangers, his vicious adversary and bonding with his oddball, wisecracking crew of aliens and robots. This unlikely intergalactic pairing of the spunky chambermaid and the rough 'n ready space outlaw touches off sharply humorous banter that soon deepens into overpowering, seemingly impossible romance.

     I can't help but fall in love with a book that goes all out in its impressive world-building, heart-stopping romance and action thrills that either take your breath away or make you lough out loud. When "Written in Starlight" finally reveals its mythology of the origins, details and purpose of Della and Ansel's extraordinary books, it's a heartfelt meditation on the power of each individual's personal stories to tell.........yet still keeps a reader fervently hoping that nothing on Heaven, Earth, or thousands of galaxies will serve to keep our lovers apart.

      A lot to absorb here and not for everybody, I'll admit. But if you're willing to let yourself fully succumb to it, this book can serve you up a 20 course meal of adventurous romance. I couldn't stop reading it at full starship warp speed myself.

       For this one, blasting off 4 stars (****). 

'PLEASE ENJOY YOUR STAY'......JUST STAY ALIVE FOR CHECK-OUT TIME.....THAT'S THE KEY TO ENJOYING YOUR STAY.....

  Please Enjoy Your Stay by Tara Goedjen (2026)

     What could possibly go wrong in re-opening a spooky Austrian castle-hotel that already boasts a history jam-packed with multiple murders, scandals and who knows how many ghosts? Feel free to break out into delicious bwa-ha-ha-ha evil laughter while rubbing your hands together in glee.

     EMT first responder Mia surely has her owned haunted history with that place. Years ago her Aunt Iris, a true crime author who adopted Mia after her mom's death, took her son Tristan and Mia for a stay there. Already famous for three other deaths in its infamous past, the castle also claimed Tristan as another murder victim, with the castle's manager accused, tried and jailed for the crime. And now a new generation of true crime podcasters are whipping up doubts and conspiracies about Tristan's death, and Iris's true motives, considering it was 13 year old Mia's testimony that helped lead to a conviction..

     Determined to get to the truth and help her Aunt, Mia boldly plunges into her own undercover mission, securing a position as a nanny to the young daughter of the hotel's new owner. Great timing too.......right on the eve of of a the hotel's Grand Re-opening. Luckily, as an adult, Mia remains unrecognized by many of the castle's same employees who only knew her briefly during her fateful visit as a child. All the better to probe and delve into the many mysteries, potential suspects and possible paranormal entities populating the all new 'Hotel Renew, as it's called.

     After setting up this intriguing premise, author Tara Goedjen makes sure her gothic puzzler teems with baffling new clues, red herrings, twists and any number of bump-in-the-night/"Who's there?!" moments. There's no end of murderous mysteries that stretch out over generations to untangle.......and if there's a killer still running loose through the castle corridors, maybe Mia's made herself a prime target.

     Had a fine old time with one. And my eternal thanks to the author for creating a properly perilous atmosphere without resorting to the increasingly tiresome trope of afflicting the castle with a hurricane. power failure, earthquake, plague or washed out roads and bridges that no one can navigate Otherwise I might've dropped the rating down by 2 stars. I thoroughly enjoyed my stay with "Please Enjoy Your Stay'......even those extra creepy, mold covered rooms, too.

     4 stars (****).

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL EDITION: "GIMME MY NOBEL OR I'LL NUKE CALIFORNIA!" EDITION......

Wonderful breaking news to jump start the weekend....for the umpteenth time, the Nobel Peace prize eludes the grasp of Trump's stubby
little fingers....Natalie, break out the extra absorbant XXL diapers..... 

BQ visitors....Great weekend to you all, as always. Be back next week with more reviews and views....

SPECIAL MESSAGE TO NEBRASKA TRUMPANZEES:

       So you applauded as your worshipped Dear Leader 'joked' about Iran nuking Los Angeles and San Diego. Applauded and cheered....for all of us to see. For all the world to see. 

        Hilarious stuff, huh? The idea of millions upon millions of American citizens like yourselves instantly vaporized in a nuclear firestorm. What a giggle. Tickled your funnybone, did it? 

       All kidding aside now. Of all the MAGA deplorables, you instantly set a new record for bottomless stupidity and evil. You've reduced yourselves to human slime...pond scum....the worst of the worst of the worst.  We only wish your names were identified.....for no other reason than if we ever randomly come across your obituary notice, we could pour ourselves a glass of champagne, knowing that the world was now a little bit of a better place with you gone.

TASTE THE BLOOD OF DRACULA'......THROW IN A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH AND YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.......

 Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)

      When it came to finding a U.S. studio distribution deal for their Christopher Lee Dracula outings, Hammer films got around to sampling almost all the studios as partners at one time or  another. As the 70's commenced, their Drac found a home with Warner Bros., not that it really mattered whose logo popped up before the main titles. The Hammer gloss and sheen remained constant as always.

        As with all Hammer gothic product, you could depend on "Taste the Blood" to look lushly photographed despite its cheap budget and with the ability to dive deep into that wondrous British pool of skilled, distinguished acting talent. 

        The only way in which this one somewhat disappoints.....its very stingy use of the legendary Lee, towering over and glowering at the cast with few words but with massive, withering contempt. He only pops up sporadically in this one, as if he's only stopping in for a few guest starring cameos.

       But we're off to a great start here, with roly-poly comic actor Roy Kinnear as a shady salesman who stumbles upon Drac already impaled and dissolving. Seizing the day, Roy grabs the Count's ring and cloak, coated with fresh dried vamp blood.  And since you can consider him like an 18th century E-Bay, you know that merch will soon be up for grabs......

       We quickly move on to familiar character actors Geoffrey Keen, Peter Sallis and John Carson, playing three sanctimonious uppercrusts who secretly sneak out on their families to go whoring in plush London clubs.  On the hunt for new perverse pleasures, they meet up with a depraved young rake (Ralph Bates) who takes them to Roy and encourages them to lay out the coin to buy Drac's dried blood.

        Bates' satanic ritual, using the blood like instant coffee to resurrect Drac, repulses the three uppercrusts......they beat him senseless and flee just before Bates dissolves and turns into...ta-daaaa! You know who.

        Our guy Chris shows up in all his imperiously evil glory......and goes on a biting and staking rampage, deploying the minion-ized mesmerized grown children of the uppercrusts...(Linda Hayden, Isla Blair, Martin Jarvis.)  And you can bet your blood-stained fangs that not many of them stay alive before the final credits roll.  

        And not to worry that the film won't include a grand opera-ish demise for our all time favorite Drac-inator. He doesn't go quietly at the end of that good night....and rages, rages at the dawning of the light..... 

        Overall, 'Taste' plays out as a sturdy, typical but not very exceptional entry in the Hammer filmography.  The pacing never hurries all that much, but there's James Bernard's always threatening score on board and sure enough, Hammer's ever present touchstone Michael Ripper shows up as a local detective with no idea of what's really going on. 

          For Hammer and Christopher Lee completists, it's a must. And for those who'd prefer their Halloween chills 'n thrills with some stylish class but no excessive gore, this fits the profile perfectly.

       2& 3/4 stars (**3/4)

        

'PRINCE OF DARKNESS'.....A COLLEGE PHYSICS CLASS VS. SATAN.....FINAL EXAM'S GONNA BE MURDER.....

 Prince of Darkness (1987)

     We're sure writer-director John Carpenter must have thought dragging quantum physics into a Satan-gone-amuck horror film was a good idea at the time......

        But he himself later admitted that trying to insert advanced math, science and philosophy into a booga-booga scare-fest wouldn't get much traction from an audience just there for the goosebumps. And that's basically all of us.....so we'll skip right over the Physics 101 jibber-jabber and concentrate on the good gooey stuff....

        By that we mean the main attraction. The Devil himself, liquified and swirling around in a glass tube..... hidden, long long ago by a secret Catholic brotherhood in the basement of a Los Angeles monastery.

       Stumbling upon this secret, a worried priest (Donald Pleasance) asks Physics Prof Birack (Victor Wong of "Big Trouble in Little China") to figure out if that swirly gunk in the cannister is really you-know-who waiting to spill out into the world.  Birack promptly recruits a bunch of his  students to join him in what we could only describe as a literal field trip to hell for extra credit.

       Never mind the physics. From this point on, John Carpenter does what he does so well......whipping up a Lovecraft-ian series of horrific sequences designed to chill you to the bone and rendering the supporting cast.....well, either decimated or demon-ized into devil-minions......

         And that's only the dire situation inside the monastery......outside on the streets, that bubbling Beelzebub has managed to assemble the L.A. homeless into a shambling but terrifying army (headed by rocker Alice Cooper, in case you hadn't figured out the severity of the threat they pose...... 

         Grisly deaths pile up as Carpenter's script tosses in even more bizarro concepts into the carnage.....(Satan hoping to free his dad, the Anti-God of the Universe, possibly Chthulhu (?) And Jesus himself, a visiting Alien from beyond the stars, sought to warn us....and you know where that got him....)

         As always, Carpenter designs his visuals (as well as his self-composed music score) for maximum frightening impact. In particular, the best imagery comes from a grainy VHS tape, time warped in from the future. It shows the shadowy figure of the Prince of Darkness emerging from the monastery's front door.....a dreaded nightmare-inducing coming attraction unless the surviving physics bunch can figure out how to save us all. 

         Carpenter became a shunned studio pariah after the very public failure and critical evisceration of his "The Thing" remake in 1982. (Yes, the very same film that's now universally celebrated and cherished as a sci-fi/horror classic. So go figure...)

     To the everlasting relief and joy of horror fans, he pressed on as a battle-toughened Soldier of Scary Cinema, giving us "Christine", "Starman", "Big Trouble in Little China", "They Live",  "In the Mouth of Madness"....and this film and many others.

        Kicking off your own Halloween film festival? "Prince of Darkness" remains a great place to start.

        3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2)