'SPIDER BABY, OR: THE MADDEST STORY EVER TOLD'......SOMETIMES A CULT-Y PLEASURE....SOMETIMES A DREARY DRAG....

 Spider Baby or: the Maddest Story Ever Told (1967)

     If lovers of loony toon cult cinema can summon up a measure of patience, this bonkers, shoestring, made-in-12-days goofball horror movie delivers the guilty pleasures you'd expect from it. 

       A fair warning, though.......some of it's just a dumb slog to get through and even at a brief 80 minutes, it feels a little too long. 

       We're off to visit the reclusive Merrye family, living in an off-the-beaten-track mansion and all of them afflicted with a hereditary family disease.

       From puberty on, the not so merry Merryes begin to suffer mental age regression, brain rot, utter madness and by the time they reach adulthood, they've devolved  into gibbering psychotic cannibals. Not quite the Brady Bunch, these folks....

        But for years they've been tenderly looked after and thankfully kept isolated from the world by their faithful chauffer and all-around caregiver, Bruno (Lon Chaney Jr. in a thoughtful empathetic portrayal. )

         Then, as 1980's and 90's trailers would often declare.....everything was about to change.....

          Distant relatives and their lawyer (suitably named Shlocker) arrive to claim their legal rights to the Merrye house and also decide what's to become of the remaining Merrye children......and it doesn't take long before these poor suckers find out what a horror show they've stumbled into.

          Teen girls Virginia and Elizabeth (Jill Banner and Beverly Washburn, are lethally cuckoo, with Virginia thinking she's a spider and slicing up innocent victims who wander on to the property. Their imbecilic older brother Ralph (Sid Haig) has regressed into a three year old with a healthy adult sex drive and given to slaughtering small animals to serve up for dinner. 

          For more madness, down in the basement live the three remaining adult Merryes, reduced to mutated, wailing cannibals. Naturally they get to feast on whatever's left of the unlucky visitors who come knockin' at the door (including veteran black comic actor of the 1940's Mantan Moreland)

         We can only assume writer-director Jack Hill intended a sick-humor horror movie, along the lines of Roger Corman's 'Bucket of Blood' and 'Little Shop of Horrors'. He mostly succeeds, but halfway through the film, it slows down to a crawl, with a third of its running time devoted to the schlocky Shlocker searching the house for who knows what.

      The cast certainly has a whole lot of fun overplaying to the eye-bulging maximum. (It's Chaney Jr., the film's only beacon of sanity, who comes up with the most logical solution to assure himself and his beloved Merryes a measure of peace.....)

         Dedicated curators and admirers of screwball pulp cinema will want to check this out.  As for everyone else.......well, now you know what you're in for.....so don't say we didn't warn you.....

         2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2).  

          

 

'POSSESSION'......R.I.P. SAM NEILL.....AN ACTOR'S ACTOR DOING FEARLESS WORK IN THE CULT-IEST OF CULT HORRORS.....

 Possession (1981)

        In all of the eulogizing that followed the tragic loss beloved New Zealand actor Sam Neill, naturally the films we all know and cherish were mentioned....'Jurassic Park', 'The Hunt For Red October', 'Event Horizon', 'My Brilliant Career', 'The Piano' , 'Dead Calm' and so many others.

      But hardly a mention at all of this one-of-a-kind entry in his filmography......a disturbing, nightmarish horror-drama from writer-director Andrzej Zulawski.  It's a film that featured Neill and his co-star Isabelle Adjani throwing all caution to the winds, giving astounding over-the-top performances that actors dream about but rarely get the opportunity to realize. 

         Neill plays Mark, some kind of vague secret agent who won't accept the latest mission from his superiors. His marriage to high strung Anna (Adjani) crumbles when she reveals she's seeing another man and they bitterly squabble over who'll keep custody of their little boy Bob (Michael Hogben).

          Anna's barely contained rising hysteria clashes with Mark's ever increasing explosive rage. And in Anna, the demolition of both her marriage and her mind manifests itself as an oozing, tentacled creature (a live practical effect from Carlo Rambaldi, the creator of Spielberg's E.T. and 'Close Encounters' aliens.)

           Adjani's work here defies all rational description as she shrieks, moans, howls at times, crawls about on all fours. Neill, one of the most strikingly charismatic and versatile actors we've ever been gifted with in cinema, matches Adjani's amazing work scene for scene. 

           Together, these two actors bravely perform like high flying trapeze artists without a net, pushing their to talents to the very edge of whatever they're capable of........which in the case of "Possession", is anything. Their Mark and Anna are so bonded in their mutual madness, you can start to believe that together they themselves  must have spawned this gruesome creature that kills whoever stumbles near it..... and whose final evolution becomes one of the film's darkest surprises. 

          You may well ask at this point....yeh, but what's all this craziness about anyway?

         Don't expect the film to answer any of the questions it raises for an audience. It remains now, as it was in 1981, a bleak enigma, a slow trip into hell with no tour guide to point out or explain the horrific sights along the way. Make of it what you will......

           As for Sam Neill, whose decades long career took him from Hollywood blockbusters to the most challenging and artistic of independent films, he never gave less than skilled memorable performances every time he faced the camera .....he embodied that time worn accolade, "an actor's actor". 

          (Though Neill himself thought his screen test to play James Bond didn't go well, we always thought he would've made a perfect kickass Bond, suave, assured and dangerous as hell, with a repressed violent undercurrent lurking beneath the surface....best example: his underplaying the role of  Satan's grown up son in "Omen III")

        For those willing to take the plunge, "Possession" as obtuse and bizarre as it is, offers a chance to view a young Sam Neill in what we think may stand as the most daring work of his career.

          And it goes without saying, no horror buff should miss out on seeing this one....

           4 stars (****).

            For Sam Neill's entire lifetime of roles, 5 stars (*****)

          

         

'THE HALF LIFE'.....IN 7O'S SUNNY ITALY, A NAVY WIFE COPES WITH ADULTEROUS ROMANCE.....AND RADIOACTIVITY.....

 The Half Life by Rachel Beanland (2026)

     This is one of those richly imagined books that sweeps you into a different (but still very contemporary) time and place.......with vividly drawn characters and some real history as a backdrop for the lead heroine's life altering journey. I don't often immerse myself in lengthy literary fiction but this one really had me in its grip.

     We're back in the early to mid 1970's, where 23 year old South Carolina girl Eileen marries naval officer Paul Archer, who's in the long training programs to eventually attain his own nuclear submarine command. Paul's assignments take him and his bride to the picturesque Mediterranean island of Maddalena, where the U.S. Navy has established a submarine station for monitoring the safety and maintenance of the subs' nuclear reactors.

     It's an idyllic and but turbulent setting that Eileen finds herself hurled into........a foreign country, whose customs and language she tries to absorb as she navigates her way through the duties and etiquette expected of navy wives. The Italian islanders fear and distrust the navy's ability to keep radiation from the subs out of their ocean environment and the rise of the country's agitating anti-American Communist party only fans the flames.

     Eileen's independent spirit and sharp intelligence can't help but emerge, often putting her at odds with Paul and the whole U.S. Navy culture, where she's supposed to only play the role of supportive wife. But her embrace of new found Maddalena friends includes a growing romantic relationship with a young Italian investigative journalist (who's got the navy in his crosshairs). And amidst all these complications, the erupting anti-Navy protests combined with catastrophic nuclear sub mishaps put Eileen's life and marriage at a pivotal crossroads.

     Author Rachel Beanland brings all of this to page-turning life- the stunning Mediterranean islands, the push and pull of actual events (such as the fall of both Richard Nixon and the Vietnam war, the chaos of 70's Italian politics, and the alarming science of the dangers ushered in by the Atomic age. And then throw in that passionate adulterous affair to all that and you've got yourself one doozy of a read.

     My highest recommendation goes to this one. And I for one can't wait for some streaming service to turn this into an all night binge-worthy mini-series.

      5 stars (*****).

     

'CROSS MY HEART I HOPE YOU DIE'......REVENGE SERVED COLD......LIKE REALLY COLD, ON TOP OF A SNOWY MOUNTAIN....

  Cross My Heart I Hope You Die by Mallory Arnold (2026)

     First let's take a moment to roundly boo and hiss Jason, who's carrying on heartfelt romantic relationships with three women simultaneously, each one unaware of each other and also unaware they're each being played for suckers by a serial con artist. This slimy snake has convinced two of them, Nora, a school athletic coach, and Ruby, an elfin, sweetly vulnerable kindergarten teacher to lend him huge amounts of money. From expert car mechanic Cham, he asks for the loan of her precious set of repair tools which she depends on to make a living.

     A worthy setup, especially after Jason ghosts his three victims and disappears in the wind. But here's the point where you'll have to prepare yourselves for this book to take some wild left turns into twist-every-other-minute weirdville. Nora, Ruby and Cham, discovering they've been fleeced and abandoned by Jason, plot to smoke him out, trap him and recover what he stole from them And what better place to do it than a remote cabin that orphaned Ruby inherited from her biological parents.. The place sits atop a snowy mountain, only accessed by a creaky gondola and there's rumors of a terrifying cult up there that may or may not still lurk about. Uh oh........

     Yes, the determined ladies lure Jason up to the cabin for an overdue reckoning but from there, every possible thing goes horribly awry in ways I would never speak of out loud. I'd much rather let readers fully savor the twist-filled, blood-soaked surprises that erupt on that creepy, scary mountain top.

     I also would not advise anyone to stop and ponder if any of what transpires here is even remotely believable. Just take a deep breath and keep zipping through those pages, enjoying each new nutty revelation as they come flying out at you. .It's a loopy thrill ride that you won't want to get off of until you're satisfied to see who's left standing......and still breathing.

     One thing I'm not sure of......that little semi-cliffhanger joke on the last sentence. You'll want to decide for yourselves whether it's very clever or very dumb. I'm leaning a little toward clever, since I'd already embraced the book's non-stop lunacy and carnage with open arms. Have fun with this one.

     4 stars (****).

'HOT GIRL MURDER CLUB'.....IN LA LA LAND, THESE GIRLS TURN '#ME TOO' INTO '#YOU DIE'.....

 Hot Girl Murder Club by Ashley Winstead (2026) 

     In no way could I reasonably defend this book's tumultuous collision of multiple tropes, its crazy character development and its loony turns of plot. Nor would I even try.

     But I had soooo much guilty pleasure fun reading it, I simply cannot deny it its four stars. Hot Girls forever....long may they reign and bring moguls the pain......
  
     It's an overheated combination of pop culture toxic waste, pop music and some bloody girl-boss revenge on the Patriarchy of sybaritic Hollywood......and then all of that put into into a blender with hot button divisive politics, domestic terrorism and the sadism of entitled entertainment industry power players..

     Or in simpler terms, it's a Party in the USA.

     All of the above swirls around pop sensation Scout Sage and her coterie of empowered drop dead gorgeous women. Do these stunners really comprise some kind of hit-babe squad dedicated to arranging suspicious deaths of the most notorious entertainment industry abusers of women?

     L.A. detective Gray Holloway comes to think so, investigating Sage and company and at the same time moonlighting as a 'bottle girl at a shady club, serving up drinks to big tipping VIPs. (and no, I swear I'm not making up that last part.) Gray and Sage share more in common than hunter and quarry - years ago, they both lost beloved sisters at the hands of......well that's another two stories slowly revealed in flashbacks.

     I could go on and on about all the other subplots tossed into the stew here including the ominous rise of a filthy rich bigwig turned populist political candidate, an investigative reporter digging into the mysteries of the Sage posse, and a progressive activist who's trying to hitch a ride on Sage's fan base.....but I'm exhausted just writing this paragraph. Think of this book as a three ring circus of Tik-Tok melodrama and Instagram insanity. And not everyone's coming out of it alive.

     One of those books you can have yourself a ball reading, without believing a minute of of it, Strife-styles of the Rich and Infamous. We hate 'em, we love 'em......especially when they're piled up a mile high in a book like this one.

     4 stars (****).

'KILLER VIBES'.....HE'S LAZY....HE'S STONED.....BUT MAYBE A COOL NEW COOL PRIVATE EYE

  Killer Vibes by Jack Friday (2026)

     I am happy to be among the first to welcome an all new quirky detective who promises to become the most unlikely crime solver ever. But give him a shot because he's brighter than he looks and the first case that falls into his lap involves severe home renovation, a stash of cash in the wallpaper, vicious thugs, a lost lost cousin, a sexy bank officer and lethal explosives.

     Peter Key's a shiftless, bisexual Texas slacker who holds no great ambitions beyond getting high and doing as little as possible. Suddenly, via a recently passed away long lost uncle, he's the inheritor of a crumbling Austin mansion. The place looks ready for 10 episodes of "Hoarders" and to Peter's dismay, also comes with massive debt from loans the uncle took out from the local bank. The neighborhood also comes equipped with a host of aggressive, intrusive people who want Peter to sell them his house immediately.

     But our budding, would-be ace detective smells something rotten besides the junk piled up in his dumpy abode. And it all leads to the tangled web his uncle left behind and whose traffic accident death appears more suspicious than ever. . Luckily for Peter, he manages to fall under the protection and mentorship of a seasoned Private Eye. That's a good thing indeed considering the sinister threatening people who've come out of the woodwork. none of them with Peter's best interests at heart.

     I loved the undercurrent of dry, dark humor that runs throughout the book and I only wish there was more of it or at least a little more overt. I got a kick out of watching the initially unwilling Peter discover his perceptive talent for sniffing out who's up to no good and why. To everyone's surprise, including his own, Peter finds something he's actually good at. And his exciting climactic showdown with a truly creepy major villain is reminiscent of John Dl McDonald's 'Travis McGee' series.

     So I extend a warm welcome to Peter Key as he joins the hallowed halls of oddball detectives and look forward to his next case (as well as the little Scooby-Doo bunch of friends and allies he collected on this first outing.

     4 stars (****).

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP BONUS EDITION......LINDSAY GRAHAM......REST IN PISS

 What a sad, pathetic figure......tossing away his humanity, morality, decency and his oath to the Constitution to serve as Trump's most simpering toady......a man who in full public view, diminished himself into nothing....worthy of burial only in a dumpster.