'VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS'.........LUC SCI-FI-WALKER

Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets (2017)    It would be the most futile of tasks to apply any rational, normal standard of artistic criticism to this film.....

              You might as well try to write a review of that crazy dream you had last night........you know the one.......where you went shopping in the mall that had a million stores.......

               Or that other wacky dream.......the one where a big blue blob turns into Rhianna and starts working a stripper pole.......and your cute little pet burbles and purrs as it shits out priceless pearls...

                Oh, wait a minute.  Those were no dreams.......that whack-a-doodle stuff came from this movie.......

                 And that's why it's useless to apply critical standards to "Valerian" or any other Luc Besson film,.......it's just another colossal brain-fart that came spewing out of Besson's head fully formed as a movie.

                 No one expects Besson's movies to make any sense in terms of plot structure and characterization.......he doesn't, so why should we?  Like his previous overstuffed sci-fi extravaganza, "The Fifth Element", you either go with the flow......or don't go.

                   The man's an out-of-control fabulist run amuck........and he's not waiting for you to catch up and figure out what he's doing or where he's going. And who cares, anyway? Besson designs his films like combination funhouse/rollercoaster rides........just hold on to the safety bar and take the ride. When it's over.......don't even give it another moment's thought.

                 When you're watching this, though, it's a grand tour of a sparkly, intergalactic amusement park........based on a popular European comic book series, the movie imagines an international space station that's drifted through the universe through the centuries, expanding into a massive community of countless alien cultures.........

                Consider it Trump's worst nightmare.........an almost infinite mass of illegal aliens, all together in the same place.

                Want derring-do?  Want plenty of space chases, insanely bizarre creatures, laser battles and lots of stuff blowing up?    All here, as expected. (But again, fair warning.......don't tax your brain to figure out how any of it fits into the plot......this is a strictly switch-off-your-brain affair....)

                Our only real grudge against this movie comes from Besson's horrible casting of the two leads who play the bantering, bickering planetary cop-buddies........Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne.

               Supposedly DeHaan has done exemplary work in other movies. Hmmm....so they say.   Here, he's a whiny little twerp who sounds like he's doing a drunk imitation of Keanu Reeves.  And it's anyone's guess how many more movies we'll have to suffer through with Delevingne, the blank-eyed fashion model with the caterpillar brows........she's like a demonic reincarnation of Margeaux Hemingway.

               They're meant to have romantic chemistry together.......but it comes closer to looking like Delevingne playing a pissed off babysitter to DeHaan's horny 13 year old. Their so called snappy quips play like they'd been translated through ten different languages before coming out in English.

               Fortunately, these two uninteresting stiffs can do nothing to slow down the cascade of fantastic imagery that Besson stuffs into the movie.  You can ignore them and let the movie's overwhelming visuals wash over you.

               Stupid, senseless and 200 million bucks worth of pure Euro-Trash........but ya know.......with the exception of the lead actors........we had super time with it........like an all day trip to the State Fair.....with whirly rides and carnival freaks on the midway........3 stars (***), the ultimate Galactic Guilty Pleasure......