CROSSWORD PUDDLE! OLAF & THE BQ PERFORM AN AUTOPSY ON "THE SNOWMAN"

               To quote the singing nuns in "Sound Of Music(and after three rum 'n cokes, we often do)......"....how do you solve a problem like "The Snowman"?"

                Top notch cast, skilled bunch of filmmakers........and the thing shows up dead on arrival.....like a pile of muddy slush still left on the driveway three days after a storm.......

                 Who better to ask than the star of "Frozen", "Disney On Ice" and the upcoming Lars Von Trier project, "Cold as F***ing Hell"..........Olaf.

BQ:   Hey, thanks for stopping by. We know your schedule's crazy these days-

OLAF:  You promised a book giveaway.......I get here and all you've got is a goddamn 30% off Barnes & Noble coupon you found in the mail.

BQ:     Sorry, we're still workin' on the promos......we have a Dalek throw pillow around somewhere if you want it....

OLAF:  Bite me. I coulda gone to Deadline.Com and scored a Moviepass out of 'em.

BQ:    So, let's get into the "The Snowman".I

OLAF:   Oh sure......you think cause I'm made of frozen water I'd sport a raging hard-on at the idea of dissing some f***ed up movie about creepy snowmen in Norway.

BQ:     Well, you were last on our wish list. All the olympic snowboarders turned us down......

OLAF:   Listen, BeachedBum or whatever the hell your name is........I'll make it ice-crystal clear for you........nobody in their right mind would try to make a movie out of one of those lose-the-will-to-live Scandanavian murder mysteries. People who buy 'em at the airport bookshops end up praying for death by the time the plane lands.........my advice: on 6 hour flights, stick with 'Us' and 'People' magazines....

BQ:    And yet......Martin Scorcese produced the film.....at one time, was even listed to direct it.

OLAF:   Go figure.  And I'm in talks with Marty's people about a project, too.

BQ:   Really?!   Any exclusive scoop for the BQ?

OLAF;  You're gonna have to cough up a helluva lot more than a B & N coupon. Otherwise, take a deep breath and hold it, numbnuts.

BQ:      Uh....back to "The Snowman"

OLAF:   Oh, Christ, what do you want from me already?  It blows chunks. Looks like they randomly cherry-picked scenes out of the book and threw 'em up on the screen in random order.  And those scary snowmen at the murder scenes?  Jeez, they all look like my Uncle Morty when we got him a space heater as a Christmas gag gift.........

BQ:   Didn't Val Kilmer sound dubbed?

OLAF:   (LAUGHS)  My favorite part! Like he wandered in from one of those 1960's Euro-Slush co-productions you're so fond of on this site.

BQ: Thank you for noticing!  How about J.K.Simmons' attempt at an accent-

OLAF:   Hey, I love me some J.K., even if he did beat me out for the role in "Whiplash".......but someone shoulda told 'im that his Academy Award didn't automatically turn him into Meryl Streep....Dirty Harry said it best....."man's got to know his limitations....."

BQ:   Also, we had a hard time figuring out-

OLAF:  That's the story of your life. Sorry, I gotta slide.......I gotta a thing at 4'0 Clock.....

BQ: Great to see you here. I think we can both agree on 1 star (*) for the movie.....

OLAF:  It's no 'Jack Frost', I can tell you that......

BQ:  You mean the one with Michael Keaton?

OLAF:   No, moron.....the horror one where Jack goes around killing people. Now there's an Oscar-worthy performance.

BQ:  Thanks again for the visit.

OLAF:  Don't think I'm leaving without the Barnes & Noble coupon.  Cough it up, bloghead.