'BLADE RUNNER 2049'...........GET LOST, MR. ROBOTO...........

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)      Over a period of 2 days, we suffered through this by watching it only in 30 or 40 minute spurts.........

                Main reaction........you gotta be shittin' us with this movie.

                 Second reaction........(pardon us) ......fuck Blade Runner and the flying car he rode in on....

                 For any of you brave, hardy souls who got through the entire 164 minute running time in one sustained sitting........we bow to you and award you 4 stars (****) as an audience member.......for courage, fortitude and untold strength of character......

                 Oh God......where to start.

                 We'll cut to the chase.......filmmaking doesn't get any more odious and soul-sucking than this.......the epitome of egotistical pretension taken to infinity.

                 At Guantanamo Bay, this movie would work far better as a torture device than waterboarding ever could............

                  It wasn't photographed.......it was painted.......slowly, laboriously.........by a director who crawled so far up his own ass, he'd need three guidebooks and a GPS to find his way out......

                  At first, we'd mistakenly thought that for the running time involved, the film must brim over with plot developments and incidents........

                 Hah.

                 It hinges on this:  Our original Blade Runner and his GF (Harrison Ford and Sean Young) both artificially made 'replicants'.......have had sex......and made themselves a bouncing, baby robot.

                (The deadly pace and mind-numbing inertia of this film gave us plenty of time to contemplate that idea..........like, what would Ford's replicant sperm resemble......10W-40 motor oil?)

                 Anyhoo.......the news of the miracle robo-baby sends everyone in 2049 into a tizzy. The new corporate sleaze in town (a sleepwalking Jared Leto wearing metallic contact lenses), envisions a whole new replicant horde at his command to take over all the other planets......

                 But the Chief Law Enforcement honcho (Robin Wright) is the Sheriff Joe Arpaio of  this smog-encrusted dystopian landscape.......ain't no replicant breeding gonna happen on her watch. ...

               So she sends out her ace blade runner 'K', who evidently came off the assembly line freshly pressed from the mold that makes him look just like Ryan Gosling.

                Let's stop here, before we wrongly give you the impression that any of this turns out as intriguing, exciting or compelling.

                 Nope. Not even close.  Nothing but murky visuals.......actors taking nap-inducing pauses before they speak........and an endless, droning music score deliberately meant to imitate the original Vangelis music, but amped up to close to 1000 unforgiving decibels.

                One sparkling glimmer.......the only thing that kept us awake......the only oasis in this arid, Death Valley of a movie........the stunning young actress Ana de Armas, playing Gosling's virtual reality girl toy.......literally the only actor in the entire film who acts.....and she's not even real.....

               We'll cease and desist. We've given this movie ten times more verbiage than it deserves.

              Ghastly. Unwatchable. Unfit for human consumption.

               And more than worthy of the BQ's most dreaded AFH.......an ABOMINATION FROM HELL.

                To hell with it.