Here's a red hot exclusive dropped in BQ's lap by none other than the unseen recluse Bobby 'Blubber' Beluga, hacker extraordinaire, and Dark Web Master......(pictured above in a rare candid moment)
Yes, 'BBB', as he's known on the web, is the actual 500 pound cyber-whiz who sabotaged American polling places for Putin and Trump, dreamed up the 'Deep State' and is currently, on behalf of the White House, spreading the rumor that wearing protective masks will give you cancer.......
And more than that, he's a personal e-mail buddy of the President........after coming up with the racist 'Kung Flu' term for the Coronavirus, Blubber engaged in a long e-mail back-and-forth with our Dear Leader.........just for giggles, he sent this transcript to us.....
TRUMP: Blubber, you're a genius, giving me that 'Kung Flu' gag. No a stable genius like me, but you come close.
BBB: Thanks boss. Anything I can do to hurry up the apocalypse for you. Speaking of Asians, are there any of those rice-chuggin' midgets you do like?
TRUMP: Hey, I love the gooks as much as the blacks. I'll give ya an example......how 'bout Mr. Yunioshi, that gibbering little slant from 'Breakfast At Tiffany's'.....I'll bet that poor little sucker had wet dreams about getting into Audrey Hepburn's pants......well, she's no Ivanka, but she's okay.....
BBB: Uh...Donald, that wasn't a real Asian.......that was Mickey Rooney in a shitload of makeup...
TRUMP: No, that's gotta be a real guy. I'm never wrong about these things, believe me......what about Dr. No? Now there's an Asian I can really get behind. He wants world domination and kills anybody who gets in his way.......and he doesn't put up with any of this oversight committee crap.....
BBB: Not a real person, Donald. He's just a James Bond villain.......and he's played by a Jewish actor, Joseph Wiseman.....
TRUMP: Are you f***in' kidding me?! You mean Dr. No's related to my son-in-law Jared? Ha! Wait'll I tell the little weasel......
BBB: You really shouldn't do that- ......never mind. Any other Asian you like?
TRUMP: I'm a huge fan of that ace detective......what's his name, Charlie Chopstick? No wait....it's Charlie Chan! Awesome law-and-order guy.....I'm thinkin' of making him Assistant Attorney General.
BBB: Hate to break it to you, Don, but Charlie's another fictitious character. Doesn't exist.
TRUMP: Yeh, well I'm hearing from many people that he's real. Many people are saying that.
BBB: Trust me, Don, Charlie's as made up as the 'many people' you're always quoting..
TRUMP: Wise guy, stop behaving like such a Debbie Downer. Okay, I'll pick a real life historical figure from Asian history. Fu Manchu! What a guy....another rule-the-world guy and I heard he had a 5 foot shlong like me.....
BBB: Nope. Sorry, baby. Another made up guy from books and movies. And on screen he was played by Sir Christopher Lee......who's white and British.
TRUMP: You're killin' me here, Blubber. But I got one you can't deny! Bruce Lee!
BBB: Yep, you got me there..... he's absolutely real.....the inspiration for my 'Kung Flu' gag.
TRUMP: And I'm hearing from any people that he's planning to endorse me in the upcoming election.....I'm hearing many good things about this......
BBB: That's highly unlikely, Donald......considering he's been dead for 47 years.
TRUMP: Dead? Really? I thought that was just another conspiracy theory you put out there. Shit!
Can't you start a rumor that he's back.....yeh, that's it. He spent the last 47 years meditating with the Dali Lama and he's come out of retirement to Make American Great Again!
BBB: I dunno, Mr. Prez.....that's kind of a stretch, even for me. And you.
TRUMP: Those idiots who come to my rallies will believe anything I sell 'em! We'll hire some hot young actor to play Bruce Lee.....like that guy from 'Crazy Rich Asians'....
BBB: Um.....listen.....you do know that Bruce Lee would be pushing 80 years old by this time.
TRUMP: So what? We'll say he had some work done, a little nip 'n tuck. You can never tell how the hell old Asians are anyway. Come on, Blubber, spin it, spin it. You gotta get me back in office before all the indictments come down......so then I can pardon myself.
BBB: I'll do what I can, Don. Once we get Bruce Lee to reappear at your rallies, you can use the gag line....'well here comes the Chink in my armor!'
TRUMP: Huh? I don't get it.
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