We watched this mostly with a slack-jawed gape of disbelief.........
In its own way, though, it's an achievement of some kind.......it plays like a 90 minute highlights reel of every rotten, mind-numbing, achingly lousy YA fantasy franchise movie ever perpetrated........the ones you've already suffered through, the ones yet to be made and the imaginary ones that could only exist in your worst nightmares.......
It's all here for you in one ghastly trainwrecked package.....a toxic tsunami of fluttering fairies, trolls, gremlins, all it swirling over an indigestible mythical history......
The fans of the books this aborted mess was derived from are howling in rage.........and even if we've never read the books (we haven't), we deeply sympathize.........cause the books couldn't possibly approach the level of abysmal chaos on display in the film........
We won't exhaust ourselves wondering if this nuclear-level disaster was intentional or due to massive studio second-guessing and artistic interference......
Who cares at this point........the good news: the instant self destruction of this movie will insure a relieved world that no one will ever have to endure any more 'Artemis Fowl' sequels.....whew....
BQ was more than prepared to award this cinematic turd a richly deserved AFH,an Abomination From Hell.......
But there's one small gem struggling along in this steaming mountain of manure......a sparkly little teen actress name Lara McDonnell, playing a feisty fairy named Holly Short.......well named since she makes short work of every other actor in the movie, all of whom will likely purge this movie from their resumes and pretend they never heard of it, let alone appeared in it.....
For Lara McDonnell, who's now 16, we'll give out 1/16th of a star........Kenneth Branagh who, to his everlasting shame, directed 'Artemis Fowl' is giving Lara a break by putting her in his remake of "Death On The Nile"......
As well he should.......he's owes her one.... big time. She's the only good thing anyone will remember about the utterly foul 'Fowl'. And Disney execs should extract their heads out of their asses and make this kid a star.......
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