Imagine the worst American International beach party movie in black and white.
Now imagine it with no beach........just washed-up celebrities, desperate-for-a-job comedians and actors......all of them grimacing and popping their eyes as if they're putting on the last performance in a burlesque house scheduled for demolition........
(How did Don Rickles, Harvey Lembeck and Vincent Price miss getting into this movie?)
Even if you could imagine all that, it still wouldn't give you the experience of the monumental train wreck that is "Sex Kittens Go To College".......
Seeing is believing........and that's probably the only way you'd believe this movie exists.....by experiencing it yourself.
A small college's super computer, Sam Thinko (played by, if you swallow the legends surrounding this movie, a real robot), selects a new academic whiz to head the school.....a professor with multiple degrees and an IQ near 300.
But horrors! When the prof arrives, met by a marching band with ultra hotties Tuesday Weld and Mijanou Bardot (Brigitte's sister), she turns out to be.....va-va-voom Mamie Van Doren.
Further horrors! Mamie forgot to include among her impressive credentials. a previous career as the 'Tallahassee Tassle Tosser'........(but then again, she's way ahead of her time, refusing to be objectified just cause she tossed tassles in a strip club.....)
Need we go on? Or do you need to know what other astounding sights you'll see?
Fine. We'll tick 'em off just like they used to do in a 1960's 'Hercules' poster.....
SEE! Mamie dancing the Charleston with old horror-ham John Carradine, who moves even faster than his son David in "Kung Fu"
SEE! Tuesday Weld cope with her dim-bulb boyfriend 'Woo Woo' Grabowski (played by......wait for it.....'Woo Woo Grabowski)....Woo Woo, in a sexual panic, faints six ways to Sunday at the mere sight of Tuesday. Can you blame him?
SEE! Jackie Coogan (Uncle Fester) doing a half-drunk W.C.Fields impression as a bigwig who forgets he left his helicopter parked in mid-air after he parachuted off of it.......("I lose more helicopters that way...")
SEE! Legendary horror-host Vampira as a nerdy lab assistant, thereby achieving the stunning milestone of appearing in a movie that make "Plan 9 From Outer Space" look like "2001"
SEE! Mamie Van Doren predict, Nostradamus-like, our current society, by opening fire on her college class with two handguns........just to get their attention.
SEE! Perennial boy-next-door Martin Milner rolling his eyes in surprise and horror as if he's a the straight man in a Jerry Lewis movie.......
SEE! Strippers massaging the robot computer! A text-book writing, bongo playing chimp! Rock 'n roller Conway Twitty wondering who he'd have to screw to get out of the movie.....
We could keep going, but we think you've got a good idea of what you're in for here........a movie we'd recommend only for seekers, like us, of the oddest oddities of Oddball Cinema.
In that regard, "Sex Kittens Go To College" is a 4 star (****) goldmine.......but if you prefer your films competently made and above all....sane....than it's a don't-say-we-didn't-warn-you
Zero (0)
Proceed only if the very act of saying 'Tallahassee Tassle Tosser' out loud makes you smile........
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