Wednesday, February 14, 2018

'THE CLOVERFIELD PARADOX'........CORPORATE MASTURBATION.......

The Cloverfield Paradox (2018)   How do we even begin to explain this?

           How much studio money does it take to fund J.J. Abrams playing peek-a-boo-fooled-ya with sci fi fanboys?

           How much studio money got flushed down the toilet on this current abortion.......which seems to be the aftermath of Abrams and the studio marketing team all jerking each other off?

           Once considered a theatrical release, at some point an attack of sanity broke out at Paramount when they realized it was unfit for human consumption........

           Hence, the dumping on to Netlfix on Super Bowl Night......surprise, surprise.

           As is our policy here at the BQ, we refuse to dignify this thing by describing its incomprehensible storyline in any detail

             You can always refer to our review of last year's "Life", which was the same recycled spaceship-horror garbage vomited up for the umpteenth time.....

            Abrams and his cohorts dump every single trope from doomed outer space outpost movies into one huge landfill........complete with a whole crew regularly scheduled for squishy, gory, special-effects laden deaths. (Some of these kiss-offs stick out for sheer idiocy.....one guy's head turns into a worm grenade....)

            These clueless stiffs keep firing up some jumbo contraption on their space station to solve earth's energy crisis. All it ever seems to do is collide them with alternate universes and infect the Earth with a whole bunch of those Godzilla wanna-bes who stomped on the NYC yuppies in 2008's "Cloverfield".

            After its interminable body count finishes up, the film offers us, as if it were a treat thrown to a performing seal, a glimpse of its pet monster.

             It roars as if it's auditioning to replace the MGM lion......

             Memo to J.J.Abrams.......please go to hell and take this movie with you.
           
             Zero stars (0)......wait'll it's on Netflix.......oops.....oh, wait a minute......just ignore it. Period.

         

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