Many many eons ago, we spent several miserable boyhood summers at a camp whose activities consisted of 90% baseball. No golden nostalgic memories here for any kid who was a mediocre to poor athlete. It soured us on sports forever........
Which explains why all our encounters and enthusiasms for sports come strictly from movies......
And winter sports? We prefer to take our snow and ice-covered thrills and chills from James Bond films. So here's our Bondian Winter Olympic lineup.....complete with our own simple scoring system from 1 to 10.......
Curling Far more entertaining to watch when playing against an international team of beautiful girls....after sneaking into their rooms for some pre-game lovin'.......
Downhill Extra degree-of-difficulty points for zipping along on one ski while being chased by minions with machine guns....
Bobsled Our kind of bobsledding......with grenades....and polishing your opponent's helmet by holding his head against the side of the track....
Snowplow Human Hamburger Grinding Special Gold Medal to the guy who gets chewed up in the industrial strength snowthrower. A tough setback, but we hope he pulled himself together......
Avalanche Racing This would give you a good idea of what the Winter Olympics would look like if they were held in North Korea......
Overall score for George Lazenby's stuntmen.....10
Downhill Rocket Launching Superb form and skill in skiing backwards while firing a rocket bullet out of a ski pole. Try that, Lindsay Vonn.....
Ski Jump Off A Mountain Bravo to Rick Sylvester for executing the most WFT moment in the series.
Overall score: once again, 10
Two Man Ski Jump Special degree-of-difficulty bonus points......considering the guy sliding along side you is trying to kill you......
Ice Hockey Betcha the Olympic committee never thought of this rule.....one guy versus an entire team. Always makes it interesting.....
Biathalon Tough event for Bond.....up against a blonde East German Frankenstein with a yen for a human target.....
Bobsled-Ski-Motorcycle Race By far, the most brilliant edition to the pantheon of winter sports.......the only thing missing on the bobsled track are life rafts and Volvos.......
Overall score 7.5 (Sorry, but at Roger's advancing age, you know that can't possibly be him doing all this.....)
Beach Boys Snowboarding Like something you might see in a Dean Martin/Matt Helm movie. Even Doris Day's "Caprice" took a ski chase more seriously.....
Overall score 7.5 (Same reason as "For Your Eyes Only")
Downhill On A Cello Case Considering Timothy's angry-tortured-Hamlet-at-MI6 interpretation of Bond, this sledding-on-the-Cello seems jarringly out of place, more fitting for one of Roger's capers.....
Overall score 6.0......this may be why they cut out the sequence with Bond riding a Persian carpet across telephone wires.......
Downhill With Para Gliding Assault Vehicles At long last, downhill skiing brought up to date.....with stuff blowing up and big fireballs.
Avalanche Racing With Roly Poly Survival Tent We'd watch TV coverage of this only if Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski tried it out......
Overall score 9.0 ......especially for the airborne minions colliding with one another..
Invisible Car Ice Racing We can't even believe we just typed out "Invisible Car Ice Racing". Oh the shame.
Overall score 1.0 Cause of "Invisible Car...." we can't even type it anymore. Also for the Nintendo 64-level surfing sequence.....
Airplane Vs. Car racing We realize this is not yet an officially sanctioned Olympic Winter Event.......but what the hell, it looks like loads of fun with all kinds of degrees-of-difficulty
Overall score 10. For a new winter sport with enormous potential vehicle damage.......
Here's hoping Daniel Craig slaps on some skis in the next one........see you on the slopes.......we'll be watching from the Lodge.......
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