'MOTHER!'..........HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN 'WHAT THE ****' MOVIE........

Mother! (2017)   If there's one movie we would have paid to see and could have dreamily watched for hours and hours.......

                   No, it's not this one.

                   The non-existent film we're talking about........would be hidden camera footage of multi-plex patrons leaving the auditorium after a viewing of Darren Aronofsky's "Mother!"

                     No other film released last year would have brought you as much excitement, laughs and pure entertainment as "Mother - The Multi-Plex Aftermath".........our guess is that it would attain a much higher Cinemascore rating than the actual movie itself......which garnered a legendary "F".

                     Even "The Emoji Movie" did better than an "F".......but we think that's because they found a 6 year old girl in Kansas who likes Emojis........

                      Okay, we've stalled long enough. Time to talk about "Mother!"........(heaving sigh.....)

                    First, a kind of a salute to Aronofsky.  With the possible exception of Terrence Malick, not many mainstream film directors indulge themselves in a pure, unfettered wallow through every nutty idea bouncing around in their heads.

                    Given the obscene amount of money it takes to make and market a major film, we doubt the studio suits get erections about funding a movie that's nothing more than a funhouse ride through the director's tortured psyche.

                     Federico Fellini built the latter part of his career on such movies and we still loved and hailed him as a genius.  American directors?   Mostly ignored and damned if they had the nerve to put out a non-linear, head-trip film.

                     So all hail Aronofsky for his brass balls in creating the perfect storm of a 'What The F***' movie,   What's it all mean?   Who the hell cares, really. Maybe some kind of allegory about the breakdown of a civil society.....maybe a treatise on the agonies of artistic creation.  Or maybe it's as deep and meaningful as "The Emoji Movie."

                       Want to make a "Mother!" of your own?   Follow these surefire BQ rules......

                     Trick 'em into thinking they're watching a normal movie.....Key rule here. Start out with what appears to be a relatively comfortable plotline.......(in this case, a devoted young wife (Jennifer Lawrence comforting her hubby (Javier Bardem),a poet afflicted with writer's block.....)

                    Go crazy in increments......Start stirring the plot slowly but steadily.....(throw in a strange, creepy middle-aged couple played by Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer)

                    Time to spill blood......Nothing amps up the looney-tune factor like random gory violence.....make sure to spill copious quarts of blood on the actors, floors and furniture. The more the merrier......

                     Finish up with a whack-a-doodle showstopper.......don't hold back, you want to make sure the film has the insane-asylum equivalent of a second-act Broadway dance number. If audience members storm the manager's office asking for refunds........give yourself a pat on the back and your own honorary Academy Award.

                    Simple, no?  The only hard part.......convince a studio to open it in a thousand theaters.

                   And that's why we're awarding Aronofsky and his "Mother!" with 2 stars (**)......one star for each of those brass balls of his.