'THE DEAD DON'T DIE'.......DIE HARDLY WITH A VENGEANCE.....(AND BQ'S 1000TH POST!!!!)

The Dead Don't Die (2019)    Maybe it's fate, karma or the cosmic irony of the universe that makes this movie the subject of the Beached Quill's 1000th post........

                  We're torn......we grew up as the biggest horror/sci-fi/fantasy geek fanboy in our neighborhood........

                    And now we don't know how to review this without sounding like the crusty Clint Eastwood from 'Gran Torino'.......yelling "Get off my lawn!"

                    Ah, the hell with it. At the risk of being unhip (and this movie revels in its hipness, practically drowns in it)......let's just spit it out........

                     It sucks. Big time.

                    Jim Jarmusch, that independent film master of spare, dry minimalism, created this film  as if he recently woke up from a 40 year nap, unaware  of anything that's happened in cinema or culture....

                      A zombie comedy?  Really, Jim?  Ever heard of "Shaun Of The Dead" or "Zombieland"? No?  Look into it........

                      Using zombies as a satirical comment on the mindless rampant consumerism of American society? Really, Jim?  Ever heard of George Romero's original "Dawn Of The Dead?" Look into it........

                       Breaking the 'fourth wall'  and have a character explain he said  'this isn't going to end well' because he read your script?  And thinking that's so hip and funny? Really, Jim?  Ever heard of "Blazing Saddles"? Look into it..........

                       Making a zombie movie that moves at the same pace of a shuffling zombie?  Really, Jim? Who did you think was going to sit through this.......besides hardcore Jarmusch-ites?

                       We do understand the idea here: putting your own unique spin on a time worn, worn out genre.........but sorry, Jim........you've shown up at this party decades late. Your tropes are deader than the zombies.........and any number of films and filmmakers covered this ground already......faster, funnier and way more watchable than your gasping, lame attempt.

                      And by the way, Jim, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference how many ultra-cool people you loaded up on.....(Tilda Swinton at her most Swinton-ish, Chloe Savigny, Selena Gomez, Bill Murray, Adam Driver, Tom Waits, Steve Buscemi , Danny Glover, Rosie Perez, Iggy Pop.....)

                       Your cast generates about the same amount of laughs as that huge crowd of comedians accomplished  in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World".......none at all.

                        Unfit for human or zombie consumption on every level.......who knew that for our 1000th entry, we'd assign the subject of it the glorious AFH.....an ABOMINATION FROM HELL.

                         Sorry, Jim. Get off my lawn.