SHLOCK AND AWE!..........BQ SLICES "PIECES" INTO.......WELL, YOU KNOW......

Pieces (1982)    Oh, those fun, fun Jurassic-Era days......when BQ, toiling away in the fledgling video movie biz, poured over  R.O.I.'s.....(the Return On Investment for every videotape.......the good, the bad......and something like "Pieces", which deserved a category all its own........)

                As if I needed any more proof that at the dawn of homevideo, people would shove anything into their big new expensive bulky VCRs..........

                   Cause back in those ancient times, if you wanted to watch young naked girls chainsawed into hamburger, you'd either have to cough it up for HBO.........

                   ...........or rent it from me...........

                   And who could resist unrepentant, rock-bottom sludge like"Pieces"........incomprehensible from beginning to end, filled with embarrassed, embarrassing actors in the nadir of their careers.......and in certain, wonderful moments, certifiably insane........

                   What more could you ask for.........a shadowy, chainsaw-wielding figure sub-dividing screaming college girls like Thanksgiving turkeys.......

                   You want more?  This movie's got it..........completely unrelated to the bloodbath, there's a rollerskating babe who goes sailing into a huge mirror (whoopee!) and a Kung Fu guy who pops up out of nowhere to kick 'n chop at our undercover cop heroine (Lynda Day).....and then apologizes for his lunacy, blaming it on 'bad chop suey'.......(he must have shared the same meal with the film's writers and director)

                  As you'd expect, the movie fields a perfect cast.......a carload of European non-entities in the supporting roles......working along side the poor Americans scraping bottom.......the ludicrously vacant Lynda Day George and her vulpine hubby Christopher George as the investigating detective.

                  Chris, with a cigarillo constantly stuck in his mouth, escapes this mess with his dignity intact while the unlucky Lynda gets forced into a putting on a laughable, hysterical screaming fit........looking like one of those sorry, first-round auditonees for "American Idol"......

                  Also lurking about as the college Dean.......none other than one-time Hollywood slab 'o beefcake Edmond Purdom, who after his big starring role in "The Egyptian", spent the rest of his career toiling in Euro-junk..........

                Poor Eddie........due to popular demand, they paved over his handprints at Graumann's Chinese Theater and replaced them with Yul Brynner's.........(cause after all, Ed only had few movies under his belt.....)  After "Pieces" I think they should have let Purdom make a triumphant return to the theater and at least let 'im press his ass-cheeks into the concrete..........

                 Let us also not forget the massive Paul L. Smith, "Popeye"s Bluto and the sadistic guard from "Midnight Express"...….here playing the most obvious red herring imaginable.  Could he be the killer because he likes tossing cops around like rag dolls???? Uh...….no.

                  But nobody watches this movie for the actors..........you gobble that popcorn at the sight of Chainsaw Guy making literal mincemeat of nubile starlets........In this regard, "Pieces" does not disappoint........never has a film's title exhibited such truth-in-advertising.......

                 Wait! Sitting at the pinnacle of this prime shitcake is the Cherry On Top..........a final 10 seconds that sends it into the Stratosphere of Shlock Vallhalla...........senseless, idiotic, essentially a huge 'F*** You!' from the filmmakers to anyone foolish enough to watch their film..........

                 Ooops........I watched it.  (Like all politicians, I'll deny ever having written this post. I'm not even here right now.......)

                 Once again, I'll use two levels of ratings for this........for intelligent, rational, reasonable devotees of finely artistic cinema......Zero stars (0).......on the other hand, for FANBOYS AND FANGIRLS WHO CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF FINDING A ROARING DUMPSTER FIRE OF A MOVIE......a long lost 4 star (****) treasure for you. Enjoy.