PRESENTING THE "BQooties"......WHERE EVERYONE GETS THE AWARD THEY DESERVE....

              We can feel the electricity in the air.......as well as the the chafing from our cheap rented tuxedo...("40% Off! Tuxes Never Worn From Cancelled Weddings!").......

              Fire up the searchlights.......no, not for ICE to grab immigrants, but to herald the First Annual BQooties.......the only awards show where everyone receives what's truly coming to them.......

              The envelopes, please...........

              WORST IMPRESSION OF A SITTING PRESIDENT BY A REALITY TV HOST....the BQootie goes to Donald J. Trump

              WORST PERFORMANCES IN A REMAKE OF 'BONNIE AND CLYDE'....to Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump for their rib-tickling work as two real-estate swindlers with delusions of aristocracy.......

               MEMORIAL ZERO MOSTEL/GENE HACKMAN 'SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER' AWARD......to tie-score co-winners Stephen Miller and Steve Bannon........

               WORST IMITATION OF PATRICK BERGIN'S ROLE IN 'SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY'........to former White House aide Rob Porter

              WORST 'STAR OF TOMORROW' DESTINED TO FADE INTO OBSCURITY.....to Hope Hicks......don't let anyone squeeze your ass before the back door hits it on the way out.......

               MEMORIAL IDI AMIN/PAPA DOC DUVALIER AWARD FOR 'PRESIDENT FOR LIFE' DELUSIONS........to Donald J. Trump

                WORST IMITATION OF THE BROWN "POO" EMOJI.......to Sarah Huckabee Sanders....

               WORST PERFORMANCE OF HUMBERT HUMBERT IN A 'LOLITA' REMAKE......to Roy Moore

               ANNUAL BILL COSBY AWARD FOR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT....to Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Kevin Spacey, Bret Rattner......and Donald J. Trump

                MOST PATHETIC AUDITION TO PLAY JAMES BOND.....Rep. Devin Nunes

               WORST IMITATION OF THE 'AIR FORCE ONE' SCENE WITH PEOPLE WITHOUT PARACHUTES PLUNGING OUT OF THE OPEN CARGO DOOR.....to any and all current White House aides.......

                  SPECIAL LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT: WORST ADVOCATE FOR CYBER-BULLYING IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE.......Melania Trump

                  BEST CHARITABLE WORKS.......to Donald J.Trump, for his expansive, generous contributions to needy porn stars and and Playboy playmates.....

                  WORST HUMAN BEING IN THIS OR ANY OTHER GALAXY.......ladies and gentlemen.....an unprecedented triple tie score between Vladimir Putin, Kim Jung Un......and Donald J. Trump.....

                  Thanks for tuning in.......don't miss E! Network live coverage of the BQooties After-Parties.....at the Wal Mart Subway out on Rt. 13 in Delaware......all attendees get a gift bag filled with $3.74 direct-to-DVD Steven Seagal movies......