'ALIEN: COVENANT'.......OOZE ON DOWN THE ROAD......

Alien: Covenant (2017)   We would hurl ourselves out the nearest window before we ever spent a millisecond contemplating where this movie does or does not fit with the "Alien" mythology.....

            At the end of the day, it's a freakin' monster movie.......about slimy, oozy monsters jumping up in front of you and going  "Booga Booga"......

           Then eating you.......or whatever.

            So let's all calm down about how this one fits in with all the other 'Alien' movies........

            To paraphrase Clark Gable....frankly, my dears, we don't give a shit.

            The spaceship crew in this one seems to be comprised of married couples, not that it makes them any more endearing. And considering they're in an 'Alien' movie, 99% of them are scheduled for horrible deaths anyway.

             Their fearless leader, played by Billy Crudup, has faith in God, which you just know with certainty will lead him to make all sorts of idiotic fatal decisions.....

           In that regard, it's comforting to know that science fiction movies haven't changed all that much. Billy's trust in the Lord gets him about as far as that kindly Pastor in the 1953 "War Of The Worlds", holding up the Good Book in front of the Martian war machine......

           Let's put it this way, the Lord ain't their shepherd.......

            But let's get down to real business here.......does the movie deliver the goods: goo, gore and ripped apart humans?

           Sometimes......yes. Creatures of various shapes and sizes pop up until the real star of the show decides to grant us an appearance......that familiar, lovably slobbering fellow with a head like an elongated extra large Bratwurst.

            And as a weird sideshow, the film trots out Michael Fassbender as duplicate robots, good and evil. We remember those ancient prehistoric days when special effects could only split-screen an actor playing twins.  Thanks to who-knows-how-many CGI Oompa-Loompas, an actor can now practically screw himself on camera........ in seamless perfection. Oh joy.

             Personally, we'd have loved to see the double Fassbenders (Fassbendi??) break out in a bubbly rendition of Haley Mills' "Let's Get Together" from 'The Parent Trap'..........but that's just us...

             Yes, 'Alien' lovers, you can get your jollies and wham-bams out of this one......director Ridley Scott even throws in a slam-bang climactic kick-the-Alien's-ass sequence that would be right at home in the James Cameron 'Aliens'.

            And for anyone who doesn't think the movie's nasty and grim enough......we'll say no more at this point. If you crave optimism and uplift, there's always "Heaven Is For Real"......

            2 & 1/2 face-hugging stars (** 1/2). (That rating's for hardcore fans......everyone else, tread carefully.....and close your eyes when anyone pokes their head toward a fresh-hatching Alien egg...)
'