'FLATLINERS' (2017).......ONCE AGAIN, THE AFTERLIFE GOES "BOOGA BOOGA!"

Flatliners (2017)    You all know by now that discussing a Corporate Marketing Move masquerading as a movie is equivalent to a root canal without any Novocaine......

              It's a given that this movie has no reason to exist other than to scam a few fast bucks off of teens who heard about the l990 original from their parents......("oh right, they stop their hearts to see what it's like after you die....."

               So let's put on our Hazmat suits and poke through the toxic waste and see what we can salvage.........

               Ellen Page.......a gift that's 1000 times more than this movie deserves. Every cheapo cheeseball horror film prays for at least one real actress to anchor it.......sort of like smearing a bright shiny coat of paint over a rusted car with no wheels......

                Kiefer Sutherland.......this movie's only gasping attempt at a sense of humor......having one of the original Flatliners hobbling around as an irascible old doctor.

               And that's about it for the positives.......

              The rest of it?  Uncooked creamed spinach......

               A depressing thought......there's probably vast numbers of film directors who would have jumped at the chance to do a new fresh take on the idea of making a round trip to the afterlife......instead of a lock-step connect-the-dots jump-scare horror movie.  But the words "new" and "fresh" would hit the people who made this movie like a bucket of water on the Wicket Witch Of The West.......

                This lazy bunch don't even rouse themselves to correct the senseless plot device of the original film........while two of the afterlife tourists are legitimately haunted by people whose deaths they feel responsible for........the other two get haunted by people who are still alive........???? (How does that happen exactly, considering you normally don't have to stop your heart to feel guilty about someone you mistreated in your youth or childhood.....)

                 Enough words wasted.......we wouldn't even take 99 cents out of an I-Tunes card for this one. If you're bound and determined to compare it with the first film.......wait'll it hits the Sy Fy Channel, sandwiched in between 'Sharknado 10' and 'Catfish-asaurus'......which shouldn't be all that long. For the presence of Ellen Page only 1/2 of a star...(1/2)