NOBODY EXPECTS THE 100 YEARS WAR!!!......KILLING TIME WITH "TIMELINE"

Timeline (2003)    Couldn't help borrowing part of Monty Python's classic line about the Spanish Inquisition......

               Watching 2 hours of Medieval knights heaving and cleaving at each other, I kept waiting for one of them to shout "I fart in your general direction!" and start catapulting cows off the castle walls.......

                I viewed this already aware that virtually everyone involved with this movie ended up hating it.......especially Michael Crichton, on whose novel it's based........

                Designed as a popcorn crowd pleaser, it suffered enough studio meddling and constant re-editing to render it an incoherent mess........

                 But even in the midst of all the pulpy chaos (and I do mean chaos), you can still have yourself a good time if turn off your brain and surrender to all the noise and non-stop lunacy.......

                 An unreasonable request?  Hey, what do you think people have to do before they start watching epic-length Marvel movies?  Or anything directed by Micheal Bay?

                  First of all, there's no sense mocking the film's wonky time-warping premise......at least you can understand the goofy science easier than what's in some of the Star Trek movies......

                So...... semi-sinister Government types, playing around with the teleportation idea from "The Fly" accidentally open a wormhole into a 1342 French Vs.British battle in the midst of the 100 Years War.........

               Now there was a nice long war.....or as Trump sabre-rattler John Bolton likes to call it....Heaven On Earth.......

               And off we go......with a whole bunch of 2003 time travelers warpin' their way into a violent 6 hour daytrip to Medieval-World......like a really cool theme park except for the part where they run you through with broadswords and perforate you with arrows.......ouch......NOBODY expects the 100 Years War!

                 Much breathless chasing, running and fighting unfold.......even dabs of romance in between all the hacking and whacking. Hey, don't think....sit back, pump that butter popcorn down your gullet and let it flow........

                 My favorite thing about this movie isn't even in it........the propulsive score written for it by the legendary Jerry Goldsmith.  Even Goldsmith couldn't keep up with the endless studio tinkering, so his score was replaced by Brian Tyler's........a good muscular effort, but missing that unique Goldsmith magic. (Both scores are available on CD if you soundtrack fans want to compare.....)

                 I don't care how many people have beaten up on this movie.......BQ scarfed it up like a super-sized fast food feast.......with extra fries........and even better, I didn't have to hold off peeing for 3 hours waiting for the teaser at the end of "Avengers:Endgame".....2 *1/2 stars (** 1/2)