"THE MISEDUCATION OF CAMERON POST".....DON WE NOW OUR GAY CONVERSION

The Miseducation Of Cameron Post (2018)  Rehab camps to 'straighten out' gays are nothing new.......this subject got a comedy treatment in 1999's "But I'm a Cheerleader".......

                But leave it to nutcase, True Believer Christians to turn this concept into something abusive, creepy and plain evil.......

                 These are the same folks who wrap themselves in their bibles while embracing Trump, the most debauched, immoral un-Christian President in history.......

                  "The Miseducation Of Cameron Post",this year's Sundance Grand Prize winner,
 takes a surprisingly low key, even-handed approach to one of these odious 'pray the gay away' camps........which unfortunately may be why it quietly gravitated to streaming venues instead of making a splash in theaters.

                   Wherever you find it, it's well worth seeking out......primarily for the subtle, incisive performance of Chloe Grace Moretz, who's the Jodie Foster of her generation.

                   Playing the title role, Moretz adds another award-worthy portrayal to her amazingly lengthy resume........a sensitive teen who's fallen into the hands of a brother-sister pair of gay conversion therapists (John Gallagher Jr., Jennifer Ehle).

                    These clueless numbskull Evangelicals put on a good cop/bad show for their unhappy campers.......with Gallagher as the kindly sensitive Holy Roller and Ehle as the taskmaster of forced group therapy. (In the film's only 'in' joke, she's compared to the loony mom of "Carrie".....whom Moretz has already played)

                    Their horrific 'process', convincing the teens in their care to loathe themselves for their sexual preference inevitably backfires on them.......(this dawns on Moretz as she starkly says to Gallagher...."you have no idea what you're doing, do you?")

                     As much we admire the careful, measured artistry of this film, and Moretz's gifted acting, the lack of any true dramatic fireworks left us frustrated. Sorry, but we ached to see those gay conversion morons tossed in jail where they belong.

                    The film remains true to its quiet observation of this incendiary situation, offering a final catharsis for Cameron Post and her friends that's satisfying but still in keeping with film's gentle tone.

                    3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2)......(and what do Sundance prize winners get exactly......free DVDs of "Downhill Racer" and "Jeremiah Johnson"? A parka? )

"EIGHTH GRADE".......THE FINE ART OF AWKWARD......

Eighth Grade (2018)    We've got a group of longtime friends who started up a nostalgic Facebook page for all of us who grew up in the same neighborhood.......

                One of them once posted a photo of our old Junior High School....(which is what we called Middle Schools in the Jurassic Age......)

                 The BQ immediately weighed in with a comment on this photo.......something along the lines of ....."there's nothing wrong with this building that a Tomahawk missile couldn't cure...."

                  ........which touched off the rest of our friends chiming in with all their pent up bad memories of their middle school days.......vicious bullies, callous teachers.......and the general misery of early adolescence.......

                   In other words, Junior High becomes every kid's own personal Marine Boot Camp.....humiliating to body and soul and in retrospect, barely survivable......

                   Which brings us to 'Eighth Grade', a little movie that won enormous praise by replicating, with unerring accuracy, the sheer, cringe-worthy horror of a 13 year old girl navigating her way through the minefield of middle school.

                   Stubbornly resisting any attempt to be a coherent, linear film, "Eighth Grade" presents a collection of documentary-like sequences in which we wince at the ever-increasing angst of Kayla Day (Elsie Fisher) a painfully shy 8th grader whose main form of desperate self-expression comes from her own Youtube  self-help Vlog........which virtually none of her peer visit.

                    The vlog entries, in which Kayla stutters and stumbles through her own insecurities under the guise of offering advice to her fellow teens, forms the film's foundation.......and offers young actress Fisher a tour-de-force worthy of Meryl Streep........(that is, if Streep were 13 years old and spent every waking moment on her cellphone and IPad...)

                    There's nothing to discuss here in terms of story.......as we mentioned, the movie's not interested in telling one.......this is strictly a film of behavioral observation. And what observations they are........Kayla's walk of shame through a Mean Girl's pool party, an attempted 'Truth Or Dare' sexual victimization of her by a high school boy and an achingly poignant, loving moment with her single father (Josh Hamilton), whose as unsure and awkward in his parenting as his daughter is in her first, rocky transitions out of childhood.

                      As shapeless as "Eighth Grade" might be, we'll take this movie any day over a thousand of those rotten, mumblecore Sundance escapees about unemployed 30-somethings revisiting their home towns......

                      4 stars (****).........(and if anyone does lob a Tomahawk missile at our old Junior High, we swear we weren't anywhere near the place. Honest. )

                 

"A STAR IS BORN: JUDY GARLAND AND THE FILM THAT GOT AWAY".......WHEN DELETED SCENES MET OBLIVION.....

"A Star Is Born: Judy Garland and the film that got away" by Lorna Luft and Jeffrey Vance (2018)

            We know we've been around a while.......having lived through three versions of "A Star Is Born"........

           (Movie buffs can determine their age by judging how many "A Star Is Born" remakes have been produced in their lifetimes........like the rings on a cross-section of a cut down redwood tree....)

           The 1954 version, directed by George Cukor and starring Judy Garland and James Mason, is the only version that's truly worthy of a 'Making of...." coffee table book.

            How come?  The film became a perfect storm collision between the brilliantly gifted and tormented Garland and the irascible, cold-hearted Warner brothers......Jack and Harry.

             The sad result: an penultimate musical epic that ended up permanently vandalized and years later, could only be partially restored to its original form.

            Garland spent her adolescence and young adulthood as Louis B. Mayer's doped-up prize race horse in his MGM stable of stars. Kicked out of the studio when her drug dependency rendered her unreliable, "A Star Is Born" was meant to serve as a grand and glorious comeback......a heartbreaking epic meant to showcase Garland's incandescent talent as an actress and singer.

               And that it did......in George Cukor's original 3 hour version which how audiences saw it at its world premiere.

               But not for long.......

               The brothers Warner, already unhappy with the cost overruns on the film's budget, felt stuck with an overlong movie that theaters could only show 4 times a day, due to its running time......

               So out came the scissors........which Jack Warner took to the film with the same finesse that Leatherface applied to his "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" victims......

                Sliced to ribbons and devoid of over a half hour of footage (including key dramatic sequences), the new Warner-ized, botched version never found favor at the box office. (And Garland left films for the rest of the 50's, concentrating on concerts....)

              Decades and generations before DVDs and Blu-Rays would preserve every scrap of every movie's raw footage, Jack Warner destroyed the deleted "A Star Is Born" scenes.........with the only remnants of them left in still photos and the isolated soundtracks......

               Tragically, when the time arrived for an overdue restoration of the film, those remnants were all that remained of Warner's brutal attack on the original 3 hour cut. Watching it now on DVD or Blu-Ray, the best you can do is imagine the missing scenes through the photos and accompanying sound.

                Garland's daughter, Lorna Luft and Jeffrey Vance offer a well written, comprehensive and revealing history of the film and its aftermath.......liberally illustrated with loads of behind the scenes photos. The book offers a telling observation of both the tough business of Hollywood and the star-crossed tragedy of Garland's career.

               4 stars (****) a must have holiday gift for hardcore classic movie buffs

"THE BLACK HOLE".......HI HO....HI HO.....IT'S OFF TO SPACE WE GO.....

The Black Hole (1979)  Tasked with writing a tie-in novelization of this mega-budgeted Disney space opera, Alan Dean Foster was confounded..........how could any sci-fi writer verbalize a movie as scientifically accurate as Snow White and Bambi?

             But what did Foster expect?  This wasn't outer space.......it was Disney outer space..... with twinkling lights sprinkled across a pretty, deep blue void.......and a vast space ship lit up like a horizontal Christmas tree, where you take endless shuttle-car rides through glass tubes.....like the newest attraction at Tomorrowland........

            It took the success of 'Star Wars' to prod Old School Disney management to finally launch their own long-in-development space epic, which had been collecting dust in their 'to do' pile for decades....(under the title 'Space Station One'....),

           The film became the last glorious showcase for Disney's in-house technical and special effects staff......including the legendary father-son duo of master matte painters and visual artists, Peter and Harrison Ellenshaw.

              If nothing else, "The Black Hole" stands as a stunning permanent art museum exhibit for the first generation of Disney artists and craftsmen.........with all of the effects accomplished by the meticulous use of the long-standing techniques in their paintbox........the eye-popping mattes by the Ellenshaws, detailed miniatures and paint-and-ink animation.

               Of course none of it looks even remotely real......but what a ten course meal of legendary Disney eye candy it is, meant to bedazzle and overwhelm your imagination.

               The movie itself?  Eh.....almost an afterthought.......cobbled together from chunks of '20,000 Leagues Under The Sea' and 'Star Wars'. Space explorers (Robert Forster, Yvette Mimieux, Anthony Perkins, Ernest Borgnine) stumble upon that huge Christmas tree craft hovering around a black hole......and occupied only by a Nemo-like madman (Maximillian Schell)and his robot minions.

             The whole human cast gives dull, indifferent performances......even Borgnine's usual bug-eyed apoplexy stays in low gear.  And Schell wanders around, delivering his semi-sinister lines as if heavily sedated.  The only people acting here.......Roddy McDowell and Slim Pickens, who voice the two cutesy, lovable robots.....(and don't even get credited with their work.....)

             Well, nobody watches this movie for the actors. It's purely a grand showcase for Disney's artisans and they're out to wow you with their best stuff.......including that showstopper shot of the actors scrambling out of the way of a giant, fiery meteor as it crashes and rolls its way through the ship.

              So far, so good.......but when it's time to go trippin' through the black hole, the movie goes kind of bonkers with its throw-spaghetti-against-the-wall ideas of a what such an in 'n out trip might look like.  (One year later, Disney would have the same problem with all the goofy, improvised endings to their first official horror movie, 'Watcher In The Woods'),

             We've no idea what the filmmakers had in mind (and we suspect, neither did they).....but the 'Fantasia'-like hell sequence where Schell melds with his big-ass evil Red Robot is kinda cool.....which may be the only reason it's in the movie.  Still okay with us.....

              BQ doesn't care how much ridicule has been heaped on "The Black Hole"......we can't think of any other sci-fi adventure which so demanded that you step back and admire that special brand of  studio eye-catching artistry that went into it.  And while you're at it, you can take time to savor John Barry's huge score, which varies from an ominous main theme to a triumphant flourish to accompany blasting the many evil robots with frickin' laser beams.  4 stars (****).....twinkling, naturally, against a bright blue Disney outer space.......

             

"A QUIET PLACE".......SHHHHHHHH...........

A Quiet Place (2018)   Number One rule if you care to surrender yourself to this movie and enjoy every grisly, tense moment of it..........

                    Don't ponder it. At all.

                    Just swallow and totally believe the movie's mythology........without thinking.

                    That may sound strange coming from us, but it's really the only way you're going to extract the popcorn-muchin' fun this movie so obviously wants you to have........

                    You either buy into the premise........(a lone family ekes out a terrifying post-apocalyptic existence living among monstrous, predatory blind alien creatures who hone in on their prey by sound alone.....).........or you don't.

                    To put it simply, you have to believe in this movie much the same way that the hypnotized Trumpanzees believe all the horseshit Dear Leader feeds them at their red-hat Nuremberg rallies......

                    If you're willing to go with it, "A Quiet Place" becomes a spiffy little rollercoaster ride through hell.......a stunning exercise in what Hitchcock often dreamed of attaining.......pure cinema, almost completely undiluted by explanatory dialogue.

                   Our favorite thing about it.........as soon as you've comprehended the premise set up by the movie, you immediately start imaging every horrible thing that could possibly go wrong.

                   And bless its nasty little heart, the movie delivers on all those moments, one after the other.

                    For lovers of disgusting evil sci-fi alien monsters, how can you not fall in love the creatures here.......with no eyes, rows of giant sharp teeth.......and one big-ass eardrum that looks like a sub-woofer from a Metallica concert.

                    No plot particulars will we dwell on here.........you need turn out the lights and experience it all for yourself.  Let's leave it at this.....for horror-sci-fi fans, it's the most gripping 90 minutes you'll treat yourself to this year.

                   Before we go, BQ bows down to director-actor John Krasinski, his wife Emily Blunt and to deaf child actress Millicent Simmonds........for putting together this 4 star gem (****)......reminding us of what movies do best........regale us with the tallest of tales and for a moment in time, make us believe it.

                 

'MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE GAUNTLET.......THE BAD, THE BADDER AND THE UGLIEST...

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Gauntlet (2018)   Since we've been rabid fans of the show since it started 30 years ago, this is the only series we would ever binge-watch in one single day......

                Which we did.........(and given the overall quality of the films involved here, we'd like to put in our name for at least the Nobel prize......)

                  But thank the movie Godz for the new MSTK3 crew led by Patton Oswalt, Felicia Day, Jonah Heston, Baron Vaughn, Hampton Yount and Rebecca Hansen........who work tirelessly to heap well-deserved ridicule on some of the most misbegotten movies ever made.......

                  In no particular order, the gang eviscerates.......

                  Mac And Me (1988)   Odious beyond belief in its conception, it's brazen, naked corporate greed on full display........an evil attempt by MacDonald's  and Coca-Cola to slap together a feature length advertisement for both companies.......masquerading as a crude, blatant imitation of "E.T."  Never has a film more richly deserved the insults hurled at it.......

                  Atlantic Rim (2013)  Another 'Mock-buster' that rolled off the Asylum Company assembly line.......the folks that make cheap, ghastly knock-offs of whatever sci-fi/fantasy film was hot at the time........(guess which one this was carbon-copied from.....)  Loads of unintentional laughs.......our collection of repulsive heroes stand around wisecracking amid the collateral damage piles of dead bodies caused by their robot-vs-monster battles.....yuk.

                    The Day Time Ended (1979)   We couldn't possibly get mad at this one......a slapdash, raggedly little whats-it from the cheapjack fantasy factory of producer Charles Band.........hapless family finds their Southwest desert home trapped in an inter-dimensional time warp.......cue the non-stop random array of special effects - UFO's, stop-motion monsters, frickin' laser beams and pretty matte paintings. The everything-but-the-kitchen-sink screenplay inspires the MSTK3 crew to perform 'Concepts', a 'Music Man' type riff on this movie's utter disregard for rational script structure as taught by authors Syd Field and Robert McKee.......

                    Killer Fish (1979)   An oddball spaghetti mash-up of the 'thieves-fall-out' genre combined with 'Jaws'.......courtesy of, who else, the ever prolific Antonio Margheriti (a.k.a. 'Anthony Dawson').  Jewel heist gang (Lee Majors, Karen Black, James Franciscus) find themselves stuck in the middle of Piranha infested waters along with a vapid model (the quintessentially vapid Margaux Hemingway) and her fashion-shoot crew.   Only minor fun to be had at the expense of this one.......Dawson/Margheriti's various rip-offs and imitations of other movies never really reach the great heights of lunacy attained by others......he was simply too much of a jounreyman to take those kinds of risks.....

                  Lords Of The Deep (1989)......dredged up from shlockmeister Roger Corman's 'Concorde' company period.......where he kept busy grinding out knockoffs of blockbusters and incredibly......even cheaper imitations of his own already, legendary 50's and 60's ultra low-budget junk. This one's a  rock-bottom blend of James Cameron's "The Abyss" and the underwater-monster mini-genre that flourished briefly with films like 'Leviathan' and 'Deep Star Six'.   (Corman himself turns up as a corporate lizard addressing the cast from a TV monitor....)   Harmless and pathetic in its execution, with terrible acting and a monster that looks borrowed from the prize selection at a State Fair carnival booth......

                  Ator, The Fighting Eagle (1983)  No wonder they saved this one for the series finale......unlike the others, "Ator" remains cuddly and lovable in its absolute awfulness......one of the hundreds and hundreds of zero-budget Italian-made imitations of 'Conan The Barbarian', all featuring bland hunks swinging swords the size and length of Tomahawk missiles.  (The MSTK3 crew even shows rare restraint in stopping themselves from using their classic Miles O' Keeffe line......"How much Keeffe is in this movie?".....) Miles, most famous for playing Tarzan to Bo Derek's Jane, cuts a swath through piles of assorted barbarians (and a jumbo spider) on his way to rescuing his scantily fur-clad sweetie.......who used to be his sister until he found out he was adopted.  In our video-biz glory days, we loved these movies for their innocent cheesiness.......laughing along, we never felt guilty wasting our time on them......(unlike foul, corrupt bile like 'Mac and Me'...)

                  Individually, on their dubious merits, we'd give each of theses movies no more than 1 star each........but given the full MSTK3 treatment, with the films' committed idiocy accompanied by the thorough verbal roasting they've always asked for,  they ascend to.....dare we say it?......their very own new art form.   And worthy of 4 stars each (****)

                 Whether you binge 'em as a six-pack or enjoy 'em  one at a time, BQ says don't miss any of them.

                 

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAPUP.......SPECIAL 'WHAT HAPPENED TO GLOBAL WARMING?' EDITION.......

                Baby Orange doesn't believe the CIA's intel, thanks the Saudis for low gas prices...….and secretly whispers to the Saudis, "Hey, I bet that fat slob news guy musta screamed like a stuck pig when you sawed him into pieces...….I'll say one thing for you towelheads, you sure as shit know how to handle the press...…"

                Baby Orange whines about judges who rule against him.....(including the ones he appointed...) …….and mumbles to himself, ….."goddamn, I bet Putin doesn't have put with this crap from judges.....or the Saudis either....."

                Baby Orange, on Thanksgiving, gives thanks...….to himself.....continuing one of history's most passionate, enduring love affairs.....of Baby Orange.....with Baby Orange...…

                 Baby Orange experiences one cold day, then wonders 'what happened to global warming?'.....and also predicts , since he failed to see his shadow on the White House lawn.....six more weeks of winter...…..take that, global warming!

                 Baby Orange tweets insult to Rep. Adam Schiff, spelling his name 'Schitt'...…….across the United States, 10, 492 middle schools offer to re-enroll Baby Orange in 8th Grade, where he'll feel more at home and considered a laugh riot by his fellow bullies.....all giggling hysterically at 'Schitt'...….(before they move on to other rib-tickling words....like 'Uranus'...)

                 Contrary to Baby Orange's dire warning, hordes of immigrants do not invade America...….surprise, surprise, surprise...….

"LOOK ALIVE TWENTY FIVE"........FAST SPIN THRU THE EVANOVICH DRIVE-THRU....

Look Alive Twenty Five by Janet Evanovich (2018)  As we previously pointed out, reviewing the latest comedy-mystery in this series about feckless,clueless bounty hunter Stephanie Plum is like reviewing a Big Mac at your local MacDonald's........

               It's pretty much like the last one you ate.......

               The vital question:   will the book make you laugh out loud as much the previous entries?

               The bad news - not so much. The good news, when it does become funny in spurts, it's as funny as some of the early Plum books.  And that's pretty damn funny.

                Stephanie and her forever sidekick, the perpetual trash-talking, food-inhaling ex-'Ho' Lula end up running a roach and rat-infested deli as part of their employment for sleazy bail-bondsman Vinnie.   (Don't ask.....)

                This barely functioning shambles of an eatery also suffers from mysterious, almost other-worldly kidnappings of its managers. ( Don't ask......)

                All the usual suspects show up in this one of course.......including cop Morelli and security honcho Ranger, the two horny alpha males who've lusted for Stephanie throughout the entire series.

                The deli scenes contain whatever nutty laughs you'll find here. The rest of it just rolls along in a state of mild farce.......throwing in an appearance from the semi-supernatural creep Wulf, who favors exiting like a Vegas lounge magician.....in a white flash and puff of smoke.

                Even the most steadfast fans of this series (we're among 'em) have sensed that Janet Evanovich now pumps these out like fast food hamburgers off an assembly line........but let's face it, it doesn't stop us from reading them any more than the sameness of MacDonald's stops us from chowing down on a Big Mac.......

                And thanks to all extra nonsense from watching Steph and the gang try to run a deli, at least this 25th entry's got some special sauce. Like the rest of the series, we laughed, smiled and tore through it in less than 2 hours.  3 stars (***). Makes a nice stocking stuffer and fat 'n gluten free...... 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2018.......WHAT WE'RE THANKFUL FOR......

                 In no particular order.......the BQ's eternally thankful for......

                  *Robert Mueller - quietly, relentlessly working to save the United States Of America

                  *The newly elected House Of Representatives -  who no doubt will work relentlessly, but maybe not so quietly to save the United States Of America

                   *Federal judges and Supreme Court Justice Roberts -  for reminding Baby Orange that contrary to his delusions, we all still live in the United States Of America......and not the mythical Banana Republic of Trumpsylvania.......

                    *The free Press of America........whom Baby Orange, like his Saudi bedmates, would probably murder if he thought he could get away with it........

                     *Steve Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyer, John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Saturday Night Live, etc, etc -  for their continuing to hurl that singular weapon that wounds Baby Orange to the empty heart of his very rotten core.......ridicule.

                     *Stephen King and J.K.Rowling - for the all-time best, most succinct tweets about Baby Orange.......

                     *Steve Schmidt and Rick Wilson - for the all time best, cable news commentary on the ravages of Baby Orange

                      *American voters - who struck the first serious blow in the battle to bring back the United States Of America.........and rattled Baby Orange to new loony heights.......

"THE NOEL STRANGER"........O CHRISTMAS TREE, O CHRISTMAS TREE.....MY HUSBAND'S CHARGED......WITH BIGAMY.....

The Noel Stranger by Richard Paul Evans (2018)   If you're planning to dive into Christmas books and movies like the BQ, you need to understand this much to fully enjoy yourself........

               Abandon cynicism, sarcasm, any addiction to reality and/or common sense.

              These books aren't meant as food for thought......they're chicken soup for your heart.......(if you must seek out a thought, it's this........Be nice and don't act like an asshole to anybody.....)

               We kid you not.......if you start criticizing the far-fetched plots and unnaturally benevolent  behavior in Christmas entertainment, then you're reading and watching the wrong things......

                Do you need your art to confirm that the world's a chaotic crapshoot, filled with evil, soulless people? All you have to do..... turn on the news and listen to Trump for a minute or two.......

               But throw that miserable stuff out of your mind completely if you plan to surrender to the snow-globe universe of Christmas as presented by novelists, screenwriters,  directors and actors......

                Cause these films and books, for maximum impact and pleasure, demand that you approach them with your emotions wide open and your brain shut down.......

                So then.....no smirking or snickering, if you please, at the plight of poor Maggie in "The Noel Stranger".......broken and wounded by her husband's arrest for bigamy.....(with no less than two other separate families stashed in other cities.....this guy's Christmas shopping must come close putting him in Chapter 11.......)

                 But it's Christmas.......and our put-upon Mags meets the Too-GoodTo-Be-True handsome hunk who operates her local Christmas tree lot.

                 If this all sounds a little too perfect and wonderful.......hmmm....how'd you guess?  Mr. Handsome Hunk has secrets and issues of his own........some of which twist and turn into near-operatic complications that equal any overheated TV soap opera.

                  And no......we couldn't even begin to describe any part of  Handsome Hunk's deliriously tortuous backstory........(without you reading this and shouting out a few WTF's.......) Richard Paul Evans should be pitching story ideas to "Days Of Our Lives".......

                   Not to worry......this is a Christmas novel, after all......and as it smoothly sails into its happy ending, you can expect all the life lessons underlined for you.......opening your heart, learning to trust and love again.....yada yada yada.

                  3 shiny ornaments we'll hang on this one (***)......just keep in mind, we're grading all this holiday stuff on the lenient  BQ Christmas Curve........which only occurs this time of year, when we start melting into a pile of sentimental mush......Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

               

"EYES OF A STRANGER".......THE GORE,THE MERRIER........

Eyes Of A Stranger (1981)    " 'Raiders Of The Lost Ark' is all out for the night?  Okay.....I guess we'll rent this one......"

                  And that, as we pointed out in a previous post, is how early 1980's video store customers would never leave the store empty handed. Watching an uncut theatrical movie at home was still such an amazing novelty, educated adults of discerning taste could well end up viewing a piece of cheapjack crap like "Eyes Of A Stranger" instead of the big budget blockbuster they hoped for.......

                    So the makers of this junky, nasty little item unexpectedly enjoyed an audience for their film that they'd never imagine in their wildest wet dreams.........people who, if they'd pass by a theater displaying a poster this the movie, would normally roll their eyes in revulsion and disgust.......

                     But they needed something to shove into that bulky $300 VCR they just bought at Radio Shack......

                      Watching an old tape of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert reviewing this movie, their leniency surprised us. They admired what they considered the slick technique of the film while condemning its content.......consisting of women first terrorized with threatening phone calls, then sexually assaulted and brutally stabbed to death.

                    As far as we could tell, this movie's visuals were no better or worse than the dozens of similar slasher movies it imitated.......featuring muddy photography and amateurish acting from Lauren Tewes (yes, the 'Love Boat' social director) playing a plucky news anchor hot on the trail (a la 'Rear Window') of her serial rapist-killer neighbor.

                       The movie does have a few things going for it.......it introduces a very young Jennifer Jason Leigh as Tewes' teen sister......who's been traumatized into a blind deaf mute since childhood, the result of a pedophile's abduction and attack on her........

                       And heads roll and blood spurts convincingly, thanks to the work of celebrated gore-meister make-up guru Tom Savini. Another plus.......John DiSanti's suitably scary work as the homicidal deviate, a hulking, bispeckled brute who appears modeled from Raymond Burr's character in 'Rear Window'.......

                       But none of these factors lift the movie above the level it stays at -  Grindhouse tripe......serving up the debasement, terror and murder of innocent women as entertainment.....today, movies like this usually only show up in their natural habitat......porn websites......

                        We'll bleed out 1 star (*), but only for the film's status as a 1981 time capsule oddity.....fit only for film historians, hardcore Jennifer Jason Leigh fans,  and horror buff completists.......

                      Anyone else needn't bother.......

"SISTERS".......AS IF STATEN ISLAND WASN'T HORRIFYING ENOUGH........

Sisters (1972)   Not sure we could justify calling any of Brian DePalma's lurid Hitchcock homages good movies.......

                But jeez, they're damn fun to watch. ....

                 This one kicks off like gangbusters.......with Bernard Herrmann's music in brazen, delirious overdrive while the main titles display creepy photos of malevolent embryos........(Herrmann pushes the electronic Theramin wailing to operatic heights.....glorious.)

                  The opening sequence.....nothing less than brilliant in first setting up an unsettling, silently cinematic scene that abruptly turns into a game show parody that seems left over from DePalma's previous, freewheeling satires, "Greetings" and "Hi Mom"......(the tasteless, dopey game show appeared wildly satiric in 1972.....now it just look like something you'd see on any cable network....)

                  Then we're off to the races, with a French-Canadian actress-model (Margot Kidder, not kidding at all) tormented by her homicidal Siamese twin, from whom she's been surgically separated.

                   Or has she?

                   Needless to say, it bodes not well for any guy who thinks he'll enjoy a one night stand with her.......

                   The Big Twist is fairly obvious but that's not really why anyone would spend time with this movie.......you get your jollies by watching DePalma pluck out his favorite Hitchcock riffs and drop them into the movie like a Greatest Hits medley.......(as in....hey, isn't that from 'Rear Window'?.....isn't that from 'Psycho'?....etc, etc).

                   Jennifer Salt takes on the thankless role of Innocent Bystander Sucked Into The Madness......a Staten Island newspaper columnist who aggressively attempts to unravel the mysteries surrounding Kidder and her murderous sibling.

                     Blood flows, wack-a-doodle dreamy flashbacks unfold and Bernard Herrmann's gorgeous disturbing music underscores it all.

                     "Sisters" doesn't have the high gloss and polish that DePalma would bring to his subsequent faux-Hitchcocks  ("Obsession", "Raising Cain", "Body Double")......but its cheap, slapped together 'Staten Island Rear Window' vibe is part of its peculiar charm.

                    3 sharp carving knives (***) and blessed with a 4 star Herrmann score (****)......a gruesome good time for all.....

                 

"SEANCE ON A WET AFTERNOON".......A WELL DONE, RARE MEDIUM......

Seance On A Wet Afternoon (1964)   For all his brilliance, Alfred Hitchcock was never one to delve too deeply into the psychosis of his villains......(unless you include the psychiatrist's laborious explanation of Norman Bates' behavior at the end of "Psycho".......)

                  So imagine, if you will, if Hitchcock had turned one of his thrillers inside out and concentrated the entire movie on the criminal perpetrators........with everyone else (cops, victims, assorted bystanders) kept strictly in the film's peripheral vision.......

                 And that's director Bryan Forbes' 'Seance On A Wet Afternoon', a quiet, moody two-character piece featuring two astounding performances by Kim Stanley and Richard Attenborough.....

                  We wouldn't dare spoil the pure pleasure of the film with any detailed description of the sad, strange backstory of the would-be villains they play,  Myra and Bill Savage.........a middle-aged couple who eke out a meager living from Myra displaying her supposed psychic power at seances she holds in their home.

                  In one of our perverse moods, we imagined that this is what Barbara Harris and Bruce Dern's 'Family Plot' characters might look like if they'd grown old together.......

                  Kim Stanley's Myra, veering back and forth from methodical calculation to complete madness, talks Attenborough's long-suffering, weak willed Bill into kidnapping a child. Not for ransom.....but to ultimately increase Myra's prestige (and income) as a medium, once she gains fame by correctly identifying the location of the abducted little girl.....

                 Of course, their grand scheme goes hopelessly awry in multiple ways........but the plot mechanics here, unlike a Hitchcock film, are not the main attraction.......if ever a thriller belonged only to its actors, it's this one.

                 You quickly realize that this is a film taking all its energy and suspense from the bravura work of two actors at the very top of their game......an intense character study of two damaged souls spiraling ever downward.  They're pathetic, scary and tragic......all at once.

                  Stanley and Attenborough stay center stage as they deliver a master class in superb performance. (We could hear ourselves visibly wincing at the recollection that Stanley lost a Best Actress Oscar for this......to Julie Andrews as Mary Poppins)

                  See for yourself.......perfect viewing for a cold, wet afternoon. Or any time. We happily, easily bestow this with 5 stars (*****) a BQ FIND OF FINDS.

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.......SPECIAL "I ANSWERED THE QUESTIONS ALL BY MYSELF" EDITION.....

              Baby Orange throws twitter tantrum at Mueller......sounds like someone needs a diaper change and a nap.......or maybe an orange jumpsuit......

              Baby Orange claims illegal voters ran outside, switched into costumes and voted again......he's wrong.....no costumes were needed at all, they had 'Mission Impossible' rubber masks that made them look like Tom Cruise......

               Mail Order First Lady gets National Security woman kicked out of the White House........this whole thing's nutty on multiple levels......the National Security staffer can't be all that bright - usually, everyone learns during their first job in the workforce that it's a dumb idea to piss off the Boss's wife.  As for Mail Order First Lady........what, no pillow talk to force Baby Orange to fire someone you don't like? Public news releases instead......really?    Hmmm......maybe the romance is deader than Baby Orange's thought process.......

                Baby Orange too busy with phone calls to attend Arlington Cemetery on Veteran's Day......ever since the local McDonald's started accepting the White House calls for take-out........

               Baby Orange wants Florida recounts shut down before military votes can be counted........since there's no massive Baby Orange military parade for them to march in, who needs 'em anyway?

                Baby Orange says he answered Robert Mueller's written questions all by himself, with no help from his lawyers.......prompting investigators on the Mueller team to respond....."hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah...

                 Baby Orange says that under his administration, U.S. is the 'envy of the world'......In other news, the BQ's blog posts win the Nobel Prize for literature........

                  Baby Orange thinks you need I.D. to buy cereal........but only those special boxes of Froot Loops that have Baby Orange on the box as the cereal's new mascot...…

R.I.P. WILLIAM GOLDMAN 1931-2018...........INCONCEIVABLE.............

               Supreme screenwriter, best-selling novelist.........and best ever behind-the-scenes gadfly when it came to calling out Hollywood bullshit..........

               As a screenwriter, he fairly reveled in his own self-aware cleverness........but he always took us along for the ride. Even as he mocked timeworn cliches in his scripts, he wanted every high point in the story to be higher than we'd ever known........the best kiss ever, the best fight ever, the best chase ever.......(these were actual descriptions in his screenplays that aggravated and amused his directors.....)

                 All of us fledgling and would-be screenwriters  were stunned when he sold his original script "Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid" for an unheard of $400,000.  That not only revolutionized the film business, but the script itself, brimming with memorable dialogue and sequences, ushered in a new creative era of original screenplays.

                   And the hits just kept on coming......."Marathon Man", "The Princess Bride" and his superb screen adaptations of "All The President's Men" and "Misery"........(not to mention his numerous, unsung 'rescue missions' to save other films from their floundering scripts.....)

                 "Nobody knows anything....."

                  That was William Goldman's most memorable quote from the memoir books in which he eviscerated the general ignorance, stupidity and incompetence of  Hollywood studio chiefs and executives.

                  In other words, nobody in the film business possessed any innate foresight or talent to predict which movies would end up as huge hits or dismal disasters.

                   Goldman, like every other screenwriter, endured his share of both..........but his talent for entertaining us never burned anything but bright.  In an industry where nobody knows anything, he knew enough to tell us great stories on film.......in sharp, fresh and original ways all his own.

                    We'll miss him.