JABBA THE COP SPEAKS! BQ INTERVIEWS CAPT. HANK QUINLAN FROM 'TOUCH OF EVIL'.....EXCLUSIVE!

                 You'll be thrilled to know he didn't die.......

                  Corpulent, corrupt Police Captain Hank Quinlan, famously played by Orson Welles in
"Touch Of Evil" (1958), was last seen tumbling into a flooded ditch, supposedly dying of a gunshot wound......

                   BQ found the long retired Capt.Quinlan living quietly in a Las Vegas Assisted Living care facility........suffering from arthritis, shingles, bad breath and an addiction to Kit Kat bars......

                   Now well over 120 years old and still weighing in at close to 400 pounds, we found Hank Quinlan as spry and loquacious as ever........especially concerning the volatile situation on our border with Mexico,, of which he knew so well........

BQ:         Thank you for seeing us. Sorry to say.....as Marlene Dietrich remarked about you in the movie.......you're still a mess.

H.Q.:       Bavarian slut.......true dish, she was 98 when she made that movie......musta had a hell of a makeup woman, don't ya think?  Ehhh......you don't have any Kit Kats on ya, do you?  Any sweet rolls? Donuts?

BQ:       No, sorry.

H,Q.:     Well.......you don't look Mexican.

BQ:       We never said we were.  By the way, what's your take on our current troubles along the southern border?

H.Q.:       You kiddin'?  My take?  Mexicans........back in my day, we knew how to handle 'em......frame 'em for murder, that always worked fine for me.

BQ:       Didn't that get you into a whole lot of trouble, back in the day?

H.Q.:     Ha!  (STOPPING TO MUNCH OF KING-SIZED KIT KAT BAR).....born too soon, that was my problem.......today, you can get away with damn near everything.....say any damn thing you want....do any damn thing you want........just looka that clown who's runnin' the country.  And they called me corrupt?

BQ:     You know he's given out a lot of pardons recently........are you hoping for one of those yourself?

H.Q:    You bet your sweet life I am. And a couple a sweet rolls in the deal wouldn't hurt either.  If Sheriff Joe got a pardon, why not me?   I don't like them Mexican immigrants any more than ole Joe does.......

BQ:      Then you have no problem separating immigrant families from their children?

H.Q.:    Why would I?  Best thing in the world for 'em. Put the kids to work pickin' strawberries or grapes or whatnot.......ship the parents back down to Guatemala since they're all drug runners anyway.......

BQ:      We have heard some critics jokingly refer to you as a live-action Jabba the Hutt.......or more recently, as an older, fatter Harvey Weinstein......

H.Q.:    Say what?  I never got a fraction of the nooky that Harvey got. And that Jabba stuff......listen I asked Marlene if I could put her on a leash......dressed in a bikini.....

BQ:      Wait......who'd be dressed in the bikini? You or Marlene?

H.Q.:   Give me a break....give me a break...

BQ:     Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar? 

H.Q:    Very funny......you sound Mexican to me........wait'll you have to pay for that wall.

BQ:     As we said, we're not Mexican......but if we were, you might want to hold your breath waiting for the first wall payment....

H.Q,:   Burrito-munchin' punk......maybe  I'll frame ya for murder after all. What'd ya think of my movie after all these years?

BQ:     Oh, the movie's a 5 star FIND OF FINDS (*****)........that's cause it has such a happy ending, with you falling in a disgusting, obese, dead heap.

H.Q:    (BETWEEN KIT KAT BITES)......yeah......but see how my spirit and tactics live on today......all over America......I'm the real guy who started off makin' the country great again.....

BQ:     Thanks for agreeing for an interview.......and please have a heart attack in the near future.

H.Q.:   Heh, heh........don't worry, I'm only 2 sweet rolls and a Kit Kat away.......