ABOMINATION ALERT........BQ TAKES A GUSHING TINKLE ON "A WRINKLE IN TIME".......

A Wrinkle In Time (2018)   Beloved Daughter, adorer of all things Disney, couldn't wait to get her hands on the Blu Ray of this one.........

              And thereby learning the most painful of Life Lessons........

              .......Be careful what you wish for........

               Holy crap.......we were taken aback at what a colossal trainwreck this is........a perfect storm of filmmaking ineptitude on a staggering scale........ combined with overpowering self-righteous ego, liberally seasoned with all the phony homilies that Hollywood millionaires peddle to us plebes to make us feel better when the mortgage payment's overdue......

               You could spend an eternity imagining how any number of visualist-fantasist directors (Guillermo Del Toro, for example)  could have brought some storytelling coherence to the long-celebrated Madeleine L'Engle novel.......

               Or, on the other hand, they might have made just as much of a mess of it as Ava Duvernay.

              It's painfully clear how out of her depth and beyond her cinematic skill set DuVernay is in attempting a massive, mega-budgeted, CGI-heavy epic......

               The film's clumsily shot, looking like the effort of a first time director's Independent movie, edited on a cellphone......

               And that's the very least of its problems.......

               The cast consists mostly of barely functional child actors and a ghastly, embarrassing trio of stars playing Halloween-costumed, intergalactic Fairy Godmothers....(Oprah Winfrey, Reese Witherspoon and Mindy Kaling).

               Off they all go, tripping through the Universe, in search of  the long lost scientist (Chris Pine) of two of the children.  Meg, the 12 year old daughter (Storm Reid)  regularly ends up unconscious every time the Mardi Gras-festooned Trio blasts her into a new planet.

               This kid spends more time knocked out cold than one of Mike Tyson's old sparring partners.

                Meanwhile her already obnoxious little brother Charles Wallace (forever called by his full name) has turned even more repulsive after his possession  by the "It", a dark spindly cloud of  pure evil.   (In other words, the kid's transformed into a typically loud creepy Disney Channel TV show character....)

                Describing all this, we know it sounds like Guilty Pleasure fun.

               No. It's not.

               It vaguely reminded us of a CGI-bloated version of "The Neverending Story"......only with all the stuff that kept you awake (like all the funny creatures) taken out.....

                How Disney ever expected young children to sit through this is beyond us......virtually every scene arrives stillborn, inert........and burdened with the titanic ego of Oprah Winfrey....(in some scenes, she's inflated to Macy's Parade Balloon size.....really.)   The film, moving along at a crawl, comes to a dead stop as Winfrey imparts all those fortune cookie nuggets of wisdom so beloved by screenwriters who ache to teach us lessons in confidence, courage and empathy.  (Memo to these writers: shut the hell up and learn how to tell a story....)

               We'll not further humiliate Reese Witherspoon with any detailed description of her failed effort to serve as the film's comic relief.   As for Mindy Kaling, she should thank her lucky stars that no one will even remember she was in the film at all......

                But who knows........a few years from now, this film could become a Midnight Movie cult hit to rival "Rocky Horror".......with theaters filled with fans (of all genders) dressed up to the nines like Winfrey, Witherspoon and Kaling..........(we don't know what they'd throw at the screen, though........glitter from Winfrey's eyebrows, maybe....)

               No equivocation on this one.
             
               A bona fide, honest-to-blog ABOMINATION FROM HELL.  Congrats to everyone involved........see you at the Midnight shows.