Crabs! (2021).....at first glance of the title, we thought this might be a ripped-from-the-headlines horror film with Stormy Daniels screaming in terror at the sight of Donald Trump's crotch.....
But BQ's enthusiasm didn't lessen when we realized the film was an obscure, dirt cheap sci-fi romp about nuclear-mutated horseshoe crabs laying waste to a coastal town.
Oh Glory Glory Hallelujah! The kind of movie we love to uncover....the kind of movie that inspired us to start this blog in the first place
And it did not disappoint. We didn't mind the use of CGI effects that looked like they came out of a discounted software package off the Best Buy shelves......as long as the movie brought the crazy. And was damn fun to watch.
Yes, it did. And for such a poverty row effort, the actual on set, live creature costumes and models aren't bad at all.
Best of all......there's.....Radu! (More on him in a sec...
First, let me credit the filmmakers for remembering to include in the end credits the info that real horseshoe crabs are fascinating harmless creatures to be cherished and valued. BQ lives near and regularly visits a small beach where these wondrous armor plated beauties arrive to spawn and congregate every summer. And visitors join in carefully helping out the ones who've been flipped upside down by the incoming tides....(hint: Never, never pick one up by the long sharp tail, just nudge it a little with your foot to maneuver it right side up....)
But let's get back to this movie's horseshoes, who've turned aggressive and lethal from their proximity to a nuke power plant explosion. Now the smaller ones move around like by predatory Roombas, leaping on people to shred faces and snack on eyeballs. And larger, ambulatory man-sized versions start clomping around to join in the fun and carnage.
Who can stop the monstrous onslaught and save the world? That daunting task falls to wheelchair bound teen tech whiz Philip (Dylan Riley Snyder), his cute prom date Maddy (Allie Jennings) and their deliriously insane vaguely European classmate Radu (Chase Padgett).
How do we even begin to explain Radu? He steals every scene he's in..... a mad, mad mashup of Borat, Peewee Herman and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Watching him in action, you won't know whether to roll your eyes in disbelief or just surrender and laugh your head off at him. (In between crab attacks, Radu offers to buy Maddy from her mother by offering a wrench in trade.....)
Befitting the genre, the crabs feast on the high school senior prom and other assorted victims.....which leads Philip to build and operate his very own giant mechanical monster to go 'Pacific Rim' mano e mano with an equally jumbo King Of The Crabs. Cue the epic Kaiju Vs. Mecha smackdown, fairly epic for movie made for about 20 bucks and change.
By now you've figured out whether this film's your cup of crab chowder. If you partake, lay in a good supply of booze and popcorn, but by all means, stay awake for the end credits song ("Is Crabs!"), sung by the one and only (thank God)....Radu!
Radu, you'll live forever in our hearts.....as a sight we can never unsee.....no matter how hard we tried. For you and your crabs, 3 stars (***).
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