WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.......SPECIAL '34 COUNTS GUILTY' EDITION.....

Trump found guilty on all 34 counts of his hush money trial....raging at his press conference, Trump claimed he really wanted to testify....("....but this whole rigged justice system, they thwarted my constitutional right to get on the stand and lie my ass off....these perjury laws are so unfair to me, I'm gonna look into it as soon as I'm back in the White House..."

Trump claimed the trial was so rigged, even Mother Teresa couldn't beat the charges.....and further promised that the National Enquirer would soon break a story about Mother Teresa paying off a male porn star to keep quiet, in exchange for not slandering her potential nomination for sainthood.....

Trump refers to the judge in his hush money trial as a devil.....and expressed outrage when he discovered the judge was immune to the same incantation he'd used on Stormy Daniels..("The power of cash compels you! The power of cash compels you!")

After Trump's guilty verdict, bootlicking toadies Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, hoping to become Trump's V.P., express outrage and disgust at the justice system's persecution of him.....a desperate Cruz also added, "And you know, come to think of it, Donald was right all along about my wife and my father.....she is one ugly puppy and dad probably did collude with JFK's assassins.....that's the kind of perceptive, handsome and virile man we need back in the White House....plus, I'll do his laundry!"