WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.......SPECIAL '34 COUNTS GUILTY' EDITION.....

Trump found guilty on all 34 counts of his hush money trial....raging at his press conference, Trump claimed he really wanted to testify....("....but this whole rigged justice system, they thwarted my constitutional right to get on the stand and lie my ass off....these perjury laws are so unfair to me, I'm gonna look into it as soon as I'm back in the White House..."

Trump claimed the trial was so rigged, even Mother Teresa couldn't beat the charges.....and further promised that the National Enquirer would soon break a story about Mother Teresa paying off a male porn star to keep quiet, in exchange for not slandering her potential nomination for sainthood.....

Trump refers to the judge in his hush money trial as a devil.....and expressed outrage when he discovered the judge was immune to the same incantation he'd used on Stormy Daniels..("The power of cash compels you! The power of cash compels you!")

After Trump's guilty verdict, bootlicking toadies Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, hoping to become Trump's V.P., express outrage and disgust at the justice system's persecution of him.....a desperate Cruz also added, "And you know, come to think of it, Donald was right all along about my wife and my father.....she is one ugly puppy and dad probably did collude with JFK's assassins.....that's the kind of perceptive, handsome and virile man we need back in the White House....plus, I'll do his laundry!"

'LOLA' (A.KA. 'TWINKY'/ A.K.A. 'LONDON AFFAIR').....BRONSON AS HUMBERT HUMBERT??

Lola (a.k.a. Twinky/a.k.a. London Affair) (1970)   Having at long last caught up with this stranger-than-strange, misbegotten little oddity, we now understand why it shows up in DVD collections of movies with expired copyrights that fell into Public Domain.......

           We could hardly fault anyone involved with this film for denying its very existence.....who could blame them? Not BQ, for sure.

          Oh Lordy, where to begin with this one?

           File it first under, 'Movies that could never, ever, ever be made today'.........

           Or under, 'Who in living hell thought making this was a good idea?'

           Or possibly under, 'How did this even get made in 1970?

           The plot? Prepare yourself.  A 38 year old American porn writer (48 year old Charles Bronson) falls in love with and marries 16 year old 'Twinky' or if you prefer, 'Lola', a British schoolgirl...(played by nymphet-of-the-moment Susan George).

            Unlike, Vladimir Nabakov's immortal pederast Humbert Humbert, Bronson has no problem winning his swingin' London Lolita away from her eccentric parents (Michael Craig, Honor Blackman). 

            Bronson's brother and parents (veteran American supporting cast members Orson Bean, Paul Ford and Kay Medford)look upon the union either bemused and befuddled. 

            And then....(once again, prepare yourself)....this bizarre films unleashes brief appearances by almost the entire British acting community.....Jack Hawkins, Trevor Howard, Lionel Jeffries, Robert Morley and many other familiar faces.   Why are they there? What are they doing?   You tell us.

            Overseeing this calamity fell to future A-List director Richard Donner ("Superman", "The Goonies", the 'Lethal Weapon series), just starting his feature film career after toiling in the trenches of episodic TV. 

            The movie itself?   Visually, it's a chaotic mess of frenetic random footage, edited in the choppy, trendy style pioneered by Richard Lester's direction of "A Hard Day's Night" and "Help".  Pop tunes blare as the film opens with Susan George and fellow schoolgirls cycling through London, with special attention on their thighs and knee socks......(listen carefully and you can hear the last wheezing gasps of the swingin' 60's....)

            A mellowed-out Bronson spends the first half of the film delighted and besotted with his bubbly, babydoll prize....like he's won an inflatable teenage girl-toy out of a claw machine.....

           But once they move to New York and attempt married life, the exasperated Bronson begins to realize he wed a petulant child with the attention span of a fruit fly. 

           Wow....whoever saw that coming?  Uh......everyone. 

           Finally, the film makes a lurching. clumsy effort to re-establish itself as some sort of hip, modern day fairy tale.....with George spinning around atop a Central Park rock, saying, 'I'm divorced' three times like a magical incantation. 

          .......which must have been a huge blow to all the pedophiles watching in the sticky seats of 42nd street grindhouses...

           Zero stars (0).....suitable only for curators of the weirdest cinema imaginable and those listed on the sexual predator watchlist.

           

          

'MESSENGER OF DEATH'....BRONSON DELVES INTO A CULT'S CIVIL WAR....GOOD LUCK WITH THAT , CHARLIE......

Messenger Of Death (1988)     You could divide up the career of Charles Bronson into four eras......the first, as a struggling Hollywood supporting role actor, mostly in westerns and action adventures ("The Great Escape", "The Dirty Dozen", "The Magnificent Seven")

        ...second, a surprising ascendancy as an iconic superstar of  international cinema...("Once Upon A Time In The West" "Red Sun","Rider On The Rain")

          ......third, a return to America as genuine official action A-lister, with high profile, provocative violent dramas - ("Death Wish", "The Valachi Papers", "The Mechanic", "Chato's Land")

           .....and the fourth and sadly, last .....a descent into the slapdash, low budget sausage factory of Golan-Globus Cannon Films, where a stoic, disinterested Bronson wandered through sludge like the "Death Wish" sequels, assorted bloody cop shoot-em-ups.....and a few oddball items like "Messenger Of Death".....

          We say odd because this one places Bronson in a passive, reactive role, as opposed to the law-unto-himself cops he usually played in the Cannon junkpile. 

           As a Denver Colorado newspaper reporter, he covers what appears to be a horrific, blood drenched intramural war between two elderly brothers leading fanatical religious cultists. 

            And these nutball geezers (John Ireland, Jeff Corey) ain't kiddin' around........the film kicks off with a hit team showing up to shotgun slaughter a houseful of cultists, including their screaming little children.

          But leave it our Charlie to figure out that the villains involved in all the carnage aren't cult Krazies, but the usual corporate slime who lust after the natural resources on the cult owned land.  Maybe his first clues came from all those 18 wheelers attempting to squish him flat every time he hits the road. 

         Too bad for the cult crowd those revelations don't occur before the God fearing fundamentalists take to blasting away at each other in a full Hatfields-'n-McCoys gun battle.  Then again, it wouldn't count as a Bronson-Cannon movie without a serious body count pile-up.......

         It's highly watchable though, thanks to a sterling cast of pros who probably wish they were doing something better than 3rd-tier, direct-to-VHS Cannon fodder - Ireland, Corey, Laurence Luckinbill, Trish Van Devere, Danel Benzali, Marily Hassett.

         And for Bronson completists and those fans who still revel in the Golan-Globus Grindhouse Graveyard, you most definitely don't want to miss this one....compared to some other stuff in this fourth era of Bronson, not bad....

        ......and that's the best you can hope for....2& 1/2 stars (**1/2)

          

         

'EVERYTHING WE NEVER SAID'....GRIEF BORN OUT OF LOVE REVEALS DARK SECRETS AND TWISTS.....

  Everything We Never Said by Sloan Harlow (2024)

     This book really takes you on a ride.......through a passionate, guilt-ridden YA romance to start out with and then veering into twisty thriller territory filled with real danger and surprises in store for its lead character.

     Back in school after physically recovering from a tragic car accident, Ella's consumed with guilt over death of her best friend Hayley, who was in the car with her. Hayley's body, hurled into a river's strong currents, was never recovered and Ella's amnesia of that moment torments her always.

     It's not surprising that Ella and Hayley's boyfriend Sawyer, find solace in each other's company as a way to deal with their mutual grief. But it doesn't take long for that solace to develop into an overpowering attraction to each other........until Ella's left stunned and fearful at revelations about both Sawyer and Hayley. She's not only a witness to Sawyer's sudden bouts of explosive anger, she discovers even more alarming secrets that Hayley had kept from her.

     From this point on, the book revs itself up into full page turning mode, with the burning hot romance competing with the suspense and those 'whoa!' twists that comprise the final chapters. And in addition to the swoony stuff and the jeopardy Ella's faced with, the book also details the heartbreaking repercussions of families enduring domestic violence.

      Quite a package for one single book, which is why it gets my 5 stars.(*****)

'IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME'....A GIRL'S ABDUCTION LEADS IN MULTIPLE DIRECTIONS....

 If Something Happens to Me by Alex Finlay (2024)

      As a thriller fan, there's nothing I love more than a multi-faceted story that unfolds using seemingly multiple disparate places and people. The kind of book that grips you immediately as you wonder out loud, "wait a sec......what do this these people and this place have anything to do with the other characters and locations?"

     The fun, of course, comes from the author drawing you deeper into the mysteries and surprising you with the skill of gradually putting all the puzzle pieces together......not to mention knocking your socks off with some huge twists.

     Alex Finlay does a truly masterful job of that here. In Leavenworth, Kansas, a feisty new deputy Sheriff tries to make sense of a once cold case turned hot - the disappearance of a young girl and her boyfriend's suspicious claim that they were pulled out of their car by an unseen abductor with some missing fingers. Ryan, the disbelieved and reviled boyfriend, is now a law student vacationing in Italy when he's contacted by.......possibly the abductor himself.

     Somehow, all of these threads lead back to Philadelphia, home of the much feared O'Leary family, an organized crime dynasty infamous for their murderous retribution against whoever they think wronged them. And this scary bunch is feeling seriously wronged.

This book more than delivered everything I hope for when I start a new thriller........a book that makes you put everything you're doing on hold so you can zip through the pages to see what happens, figure how everything fits together, and then makes you raise your eyebrows in surprise as the twists and reveals start to pile up.

     "If Something Happens To Me" checked all those boxes for me, which explains the 5 stars I'm giving it. (*****) Move this one up to the top of any TBR thriller list you're compiling.

'WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS'......A STAR ON THE SKIDS WRANGLES ESTRANGED KAIJU BROTHERS......

War Of The Gargantuas (1966)   For a few reasons, we understand why this particular Ishiro Honda 'Kaiju' smackdown remains a favorite of fans and filmmakers alike.....

         Unlike the various raging reptiles, insects and alien monstrosities in Japan's Kaiju Zoo, the humanoid Gargantua brothers (the gentle brown one and the raging green one) express the relatable emotions of sibling rivalry........Brownie exudes empathy for his pissed off bro, but Greenie just wants to kick ass, primarily his brother's. 

        Their passive-aggressive clashes, highlighted by Greenie snacking on people like grapes then spitting out their clothes, take up most of the running time. Director Honda hardly stops to slow the fun down with expositions from his actor cast. 

         The movie is practically non-stop monster rumbles....it comprehends the primal reason we'd watch Kaijus to begin with. We don't give a flying **** about the humans involved, just get to the punch-ups and give us plenty of 'em.

        Which brings us to the topic that's always fascinated us about these films - the plight of American and European actors who somehow wander into Japanese monster movies. 

        In this category, we do NOT include, as you might think, Raymond Burr who appeared in footage inserted into the heavily re-edited, re-dubbed American version of "Godzilla". The closest Ray ever got to Japan was maybe ordering take-out Sushi. 

        No, we're talking about actors who were actual participants and cast members of the films when they were shot in Japanese studios.  (That would include, of course, the entire Caucasian-only cast of Kinji Fukasaku's "The Green Slime")

        For previously well known American actors, a Kaiju movie was the end-of-the-line, bottom-of-the barrel career move...one step before dinner-theater musicals, off-Broadway one man shows.... and porn.

       And no one looks as if he knew that better than Russ Tamblyn,  who glumly troupes through 'Gargantuas' as he's undergoing a colonoscopy without sedation. 

      Only a few years past his triumphs in "West Side Story" and "The Haunting", we won't even attempt to guess how Tamblyn found his way into this film.  Any actor's career at any time could careen from lofty A-List heights to......well, to 'War Of The Gargantuas'. As the guy who follows the elephants with a shovel was heard to say, "What, and give up show business?"

         Tamblyn's original dubbed line readings were accidentally erased and in his exhausted re-dubs, you can hear his disinterest and disdain for the entire procedure.  But his robotic recitations of his dialogue, if nothing else, perfectly match his "just gimme my check and let me grab the next flight outta here" performance. 

         Fortunately, the Garganutas Brownie and Greenie are fully committed to their essential tasks of demolishing city infrastructure, kicking away those toy tanks and helicopters and popping a few human snacks for some added protein. 

          For the fans, these guys put on a damn good show and you'll really feel for Brownie as he makes futile attempts to curb his brother's anger management issues.  3 stars (***).

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL 'SUPREME COURT UPSIDE DOWN' EDITION.....

 

Supreme Court Justice Alioto continues to take heat over his upside down flying of the American flag......Trump reported advised Alioto, "When they come after you, find someone close to you and throw 'em under the bus."  To which Alioto turned to his wife ("Uh...honey? Let's talk....")

Another upside down flag found at another Alioto house.....forcing Alioto to whisper to his wife, "Sorry, honey....looks like you gotta take another one for the team....

Terrified of prosecutors grilling him, Trump avoids testifying at his hush money trial........when told prosecutors wanted the truth from him, Trump reportedly raged, "As the late great Hannibal Lector said, "You can't handle the truth! Or even fava beans and a nice chianti!"

Kansas City Chief place kicker Harrison Butker continues to spark outrage with his commencement speech......in a special message to America's women, Butker stated, "Now, now, don't you little ladies worry your pretty little heads about it....just get yer cute little rear ends back to those stoves and cook up some fine vittles for you men....and after dessert, you can get crackin' at pumpin' out some more young 'uns..."

Trump rants that FBI agents were prepared to kill him, under Biden's orders, during the raid on Mar-A-Lago.....but claims they backed off once they realized his official Mar-A-Lago boxer shorts and bathrobe were made of Kevlar.....

Nikki Haley, after slamming Trump through the Primary season, stuns and shocks everyone by announcing she'll vote for him in November......prompting brain surgeons throughout the country to wonder if Haley is related to the invertebrate worm who crawled into RFK Jr.'s head to seek a bit of brains to call her own........in more cheerful news for Haley, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Lindsay Graham approved her entry into their exclusive "Ass-kissers Anonymous" 12 step program designed (according to their brochure) to "raise boot-licking, knee bending and ass-kissing to a high art..."

'WINDOWS'.....A MASTER CAMERMAN FUMBLES HIS ONLY FILM AS A DIRECTOR....

Windows (1980)    Released a month before William Friedkin's explosive NYC Gay-Jack-The-Ripper thriller 'Cruising', it's no wonder this limp, barely-there non-entity of a film slipped into deep obscurity. 

          Cinema archivists might remember it as the one and only film directed by celebrated cinematographer Gordon Willis (the 'Godfather' trilogy, 'Annie Hall',  'All The President's Men').  

          Though gifted as a genius visual artist of light and shadow, nobody grieved over his decision not to direct any more films. Nor did Willis, most likely

         We're back again in New York City, still depicted in movies as a cesspool of psychosis, sexual assault and violence.  But the storyline here is so simple and brief, it couldn't fill out 40 minutes of screen time, let alone the slow 95 minutes that it stretches into eternity. 

         A shy, repressed woman (Talia Shire) is the stalking target of her psychotic lesbian neighbor (Elizabeth Ashley). The looney Ashley hires a cab driver to invade Shire's apartment to sexually assault and humiliate her. The creep accomplishes this by forcing Shire, at knifepoint, to fake orgasmic moaning. 

          That sequence, as weird and ugly as it sounds, constitutes this woeful, stillborn movie's highpoint. Then it proceeds to slowly roll downhill, with Shire starting a tentative romance with the investigating detective (Joe Cortese) while the bonkers Ashley spies on her with a telescope. 

           You'd think that his time spent on movie sets would have given Gordon Willis as least a fundamental idea of how a director works with his crew and actors to craft a coherent story. 

           But the resulting film looks like the only thing that intrigued him was capturing beautifully composed, stunning day and night cityscapes.  Terrific work if he'd been putting together a coffee table book of still photographs........but deadly for a movie that purports to be a suspense thriller. 

            Incredibly, the expected melodramatic climax occurs offscreen, leaving us to wonder why we wasted a minute of time watching any of "Windows".  Even the score by prolific maestro Ennio Morricone sounds like he phoned it in while working on a different assingment.

            If you absolutely crave a creepy, New York stalker thriller filled with sexual perversion (and a killer recording the victims), stick with 1971's "Klute".....in which Gordon Willis, as its cinematographer did what he did best and left the directing in the capable hands of Alan Pakula. 

           "Windows" will thankfully stay in the graveyard of deservedly forgetten films, , a collection of well framed pictures in search of a movie. Zero stars (0)

          

          

MULTIPEX MADNESS! ......BQ PLUNGES INTO 2 SUMMER SHLOCKBUSTERS.......

 The Fall Guy (2024) & Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes (2024)

       One thing's for sure.....the summer movie blockbuster parade ain't what it used to be. 

       Sure, we're nostalgic for those good old days when dozens upon dozens of summer movies clogged up the multi-plexes like planes all trying to land on the same runway.....

       COVID and everyone's reliance on streaming changed all that. These days, we're lucky if one major studio release pops up ever two weeks or so. 

         Budget-wise, the studios still overspend like drunken sailors on a one night leave.....and they're still opiod-level addicted to tentpoles and sequels that nobody wanted.....

        One singular bright spot was the long overdue fall of the Marvel spandex factory......rolling out crappy new superhero films for an audience already exhausted from even the good ones

        The continued bad news - the punishing, overlong running times, with loads of films featuring about 80 minutes of story stuck somewhere deep inside 160 minutes...(or more, God help us)  A plague on these overindulged directors who think their dumbass action movies should run as long as "Lawrence Of Arabia".

          Speaking of summer movies.......let's have a look at a few, eh?

          The Fall Guy  Surprise, surprise. We liked this. It's junk done right. Furious action, well staged, plenty of laughs and a sparkling duo in Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt.  What's not to love?

          Apparently, for whatever reasons, a lot of ticket buyers didn't. Gave it a pass.....maybe to wait for streaming. We get that, cause it does look like those cookie-cutter 300 million dollar Gal Gadot turdcakes that Netflix wastes their money on. 

           But again, we say......if you want a fun, fun, fun, turn-your-brain-off thrills 'n spills wingding, it's damn good for what it is. Really. 3 & 1/2 stars ***1/2)

           Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes.....well, that's another story. People either dig 'Apes' movies or they don't.

           True confession: we never did......except that first 1968 Charton Heston "Damn you all to hell!" initial outing.  Cause nobody ever saw anything like it......and we all loved how it played like a 2 hour 'Twilight Zone' episode, courtesy of one of its co-screenwriters, Rod Serling.  (It even features a brief shout-out to Jerry Goldsmith's famously jarring, atonal score for the Heston film)

          The rest of 'em?  Nah. Depressing, nasty, cruel, almost all of them with downbeat endings and the carved in stone message, The Future Sucks.  That goes for the first five and the recent 2000's trilogy, where the motion capture CGI replaced the Halloween Adventure Shop costumes. 

          'Kingdom' does have a few things going for it. Epic heft. The whole 'hero's journey-Lord-Of-The-Rings razz-ma-tazz.  And yes, visually, it's frickin' spectacular at times. Beautiful, lush fantasy landscapes rendered with all that enough cash and 1000 CGI artists can give you. 

            But at the end of the day (and the movie's prostate-punishing 2 and half hours) it's fundamentally the same dreary ride....depressing, nasty, cruel......and setting up sequels that promise an Ape war with sporadic bands of humans trying to get their ever itchy trigger fingers back on those big red 'Nuke 'Em!' buttons. Woo hoo. Include us out. 2 stars (**).

          By no means is BQ done with the multiplex.....we're just getting started, since a bargain matinee is a cool way to spend a hot summer afternoon. 

            And the popcorn's damn good. Make no mistake, we'll stop in there next week for 'Furiosa' and report right back to you. 

'ATTACHED AT THE HIP'....CAN A ROMANTIC TRIANGLE SURVIVE A 'SURVIVAL' SPINOFF?

  Attached At The Hip by Christine Riccio (2024)

       To start, let me credit Christine Riccio right away for drawing me into this book, even though I am no great fan of reality game shows and never bothered to watch any of them.

        But if I ever came across one these shows that actually featured characters and situations depicted in this book, I'd be sprawled on the couch with a tub of buttered popcorn.

         The adorable lead contestant, Orie Lennox, is beset with a host of relatable issues and worries. Unable to break out of the status quo she dwells in at 23, she's aware of the second-hand life she's settled for. With a longtime boyfriend she's more comfortable with than passionate about and a dead end job assisting her influencer sister, Orie longs to figure out what she wants for herself and how to achieve it.

       Impulsively to seek out new adventures, she applies for and is selected for a season of 'Survivor'.
But it's not that show she finds herself on, but a romance spinoff version 'Attached at the hip', where couples endure similar tropical island abandonment.......but tethered to each other to see how much chemistry sparks fly.

        Under the endlessly complicated reality show rules (one of the reasons I never watched them), contestant partners change based on their various wins and losses.......and Orie ends up in a romantic triangle with Remy, an unrequited high school crush and Osprey, a fierce competitor. That makes playing the game quite a challenge since Orie's fallen hard for the boys and they with her. Especially since they're forced to use Machiavellian strategies to outlast the other players and claim the million dollar prize that can only go to one of them.

        Christine Riccio somehow makes all of this fun and exciting even for a reader (like me) who wouldn't touch a reality show with a ten foot coconut tree. You can't help cheering on Orie, not just for the sometimes hilarious ways she soldiers through the game's challenges, but for her own personal quest for a future to call her own.

 
          So it came as a total surprise as to how much I enjoyed this book. Never thought I'd cozy up to a romance featuring tarantulas, crab hunting and tethered sweethearts stuck together with no bathrooms anywhere in sight. What can I say.....I got attached to "Attached".  5 stars (*****)  (and I wouldn't dare reveal who gets who....or who gets voted off the island...)

'CRUISING'.....1980 NYC....STILL HELL ON EARTH, ESPECIALLY FOR GAYS....

Cruising (1980)  Director William Friedkin's 1971 "The French Connection" kicked off a whole new sub-genre.......New York City as the ultimate urban Hellscape, a constant bubbling cauldron of crime, drugs, violence, corruption, police brutality and racism that almost nobody gets out of alive......

          Leave it to Friedkin, who thrived on excess and controversy, to have the last word on New-York-as-Hell, capping off the genre with this twisted, blood drenched tour of the city's dangerous gay bars that specialize in bondage and sadism. 

         The only thing missing here would be a gay Jack The Ripper, stalking, stabbing and leaving assorted severed body parts bobbing in the Hudson river....

        Oh, wait a sec.......that's not missing. He's more than present, whoever he is and very busy.

         Hot on his trail is young undercover cop Steve Burns (Al Pacino), recruited by his boss (Paul Sorvino) to mix and mingle through the leather bars in hopes of nabbing a suspect.

         Yep, it's as grisly, grim and grindhouse as it sounds, filled with agonized victims screaming out their last breaths and lovely scenes of the bar room guys greasing up their fists for random encounters....

         Upon its release, Friedkin expressed dislike of Pacino's droopy, moody, broody performance, then later recanted, saying the actor's subdued work grew on him. 

           Didn't grow on us at all.  But then again, maybe Pacino had the right idea traipsing through the entire movie as if he's either half asleep or hung over......the two best conditions to be in for anyone watching the film.

           Unlike the runaway pop-culture lolapalooza he scored in "The Exorcist", Friedkin's Gay House Of Horrors found favor with neither critics or audiences. Gays sputtered in disgusted outrage....(but given the community was on the verge of the oncoming AIDS apocalypse, "Crusing" became the least of their woes)  Everybody else ignored the film.

             The film itself?  Sometimes it does function effectively, if you start to think of it as a Dario Argento-ish, gay Giallo....with Friekdin fairly salivating over the kill scenes.....

              But the director's delusions of grandeur finally overtake him with an embarrassing, pathetic attempt at an ambiguous ending. And he was on the money with his first assessment of Pacino's performance.....whatever's going on with his character, he keeps it to himself to the very shot. 

             And by that time, we doubt if anyone viewing the film gave a rat's ass anyway.  1 star (*).