Don't Go Near The Water (1957) We latched on to this movie as desperately needed comfort food........after watching the nightly news horror show.........thousands of people dying while the country's led by a psychotic moron.......that in itself sounds like a nightmarish satire.......
So we couldn't wait lose ourselves in the sweet embrace of this bouncy little MGM comedy about life on a tropical island-based Navy public relations office at the height of the World War 2 Pacific combat....
You can only tell there's a war on here by which characters long to escape the farcical shenanigans of the P.R. clown college and get back to active sea duty........(the rest of the gang stuck on this little piece 'o backlot paradise are mostly a collection of blowhards, philanderers, and idiots.....in other words, the usual service comedy crowd...)
Our main standup guy, Lt. Siegel (an amiable Glenn Ford) deals with the perpetual manic schemes of the unit's Lt. Commander Nash (that prize bumbler Fred Clark).........which divides the movie neatly into separate anecdotes......like a series of mini TV sitcom episodes strung together......
The best one of all, the main reason we love coming back to this film, involves the ever pompous Clark deciding that in the interest of public relations, the officers should build their own new Officer's Club......
The result is a extended, perfectly staged slapstick spectacular that rivals the barn-building brawl from "Seven Brides For Seven Brothers".....(the participants even include two of the Seven Brothers, Russ Tamblyn and Jeff Richards). Wooden planks and wooden-headed officers tumble and fly through the air with equal abandon......and the sequence concludes with a glorious shot of the barely constructed edifice swaying from one direction to the other.........
You can take your pick of which of the other random chunks appeal to you......the cute, forbidden romance between a lonely enlisted seaman and an officer nurse (Earl Holliman and Anne Francis).....Ford romancing a serenely gorgeous island native (Gia Scala) while thwarting a vile obnoxious columnist (Keenan Wynn).....the antics of a Va-Va-Voom war correspondent (Eva Gabor) who charms her way into actual sea battle, much to an apoplectic Admiral's rage.....
("I have a few little things to rinse out....are there some soap flakes aboard, Admiral?)
........and the second funniest episode, next to the Officer's club fiasco - the P.R. nightmare facing Ford when a 'typical' seaman Clark picked for a Hollywood goodwill tour (Mickey Shaughnessy) turns out to be a barrel-chested, tattooed goon who regularly drops bleeped-out F-Bombs.....(as far as we know, a first for a Hollywood mainstream film....)
True, the whole film's archaic, out of date, a rambling mess of movie techniques and attitudes long gone and forgotten.......but amidst this horrendous ordeal we're all living through.....it still felt like warm hug, and a tub of hot buttered popcorn......
4 stars (****).....how can you not love a movie where a battleship enters the fray flying Eva Gabor's black lace underwear as its flag........no doubt the Navy found her some soap flakes.......
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