'NOBODY DOES IT BETTER'.......THE ULTIMATE BONDING WITH BOND.......

Nobody Does It Better: The Complete Uncensored, Unauthorized, Oral History Of James Bond by Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman (2020)

                 As a dedicated Bond Fanboy since 1962, we couldn't even count how many non-fiction books we've devoured about the Bond novels, the Bond films, Ian Fleming......and everything else related to the cultural phenomenon of James Bond.......

                  We've plowed through the doctoral-level treatises, the shameless fan love-fests and every book that falls somewhere in between........

                    One single truth links them all together.........

                    As incisive, witty, informative and exhaustive researched as many of them are........the authors share this.......

                     Opinions.

                     On who's the best Bond, on which of the  films are classic, which are great, which are so-so.......and which ones flat out suck.

                      Authors Gross and Altman are no different.......and you may or may not agree with them. But their huge book isn't really about them at all. They insert themselves sporadically in a vast collection of hundreds of  one paragraph anecdotes arranged in the chronological order of the Bond films.......all the way from the live TV dramatization of "Casino Royale" to "Spectre"......

                     They've done this before in two books detailing the history of the Star Trek films and TV shows.......and the concept remains an addictive reading experience.......you may find yourself not knowing where to stop.....

                      Most importantly, the bulk of the anecdotes come from the people directly involved in the ongoing Bondian history......the producers, directors, writers, cast members, crew members......as well as entertaining observations from a variety of writers who've devoted themselves to Bond lore and legend.......

                      It's heavily loaded with revelations, both fun and fascinating.......('Live and Let Die' villain Yaphet Kotto, just like the rest of us, was embarrassed by his balloon blow-up death scene) And it's nice to hear that we're not the only one who thought Rik Von Nutter's Felix Leiter from "Thunderball" sounded like a porn star who stumbled into the wrong movie.......

                      Since that accursed Coronavirus has thwarted us Bond fanatics from enjoying an April release of "No Time To Die", this book can serve as the next best thing........(as well as watching the films all over again)........so to all fellow Bond-O-Maniacs.....dig in and enjoy......"Nobody Does It Better" is a 5 star (*****) FIND OF FINDS.

                      Pardon us while we pump out some hand sanitizer......shaken, not stirred. (Our favorite Bond? Do you even have to ask.......Sean Connery)  Best movie with Connery: From Russia With Love......Best Movie without Connery: On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

                       If you treasure your own favorites, feel free to share.........

                   

'O.B.I.T.' (THE OUTER LIMITS).....ZUCKERBERG'S WET DREAM GONE AWRY......

"O.B.I.T." (THE OUTER LIMITS, EPISODE #7 ) (1963)    What better way to save America (and ourselves) than to stay home and indulge in an orgy of binge-watching...........(hey, we're only following the health professionals' orders.....)

           So in our unceasing effort to not spread deadly infection, we've immersed ourselves in one of our all-time favorite sci-fi/fantasy TV series......The Outer Limits.

            You're welcome, America........

             This episode is so far ahead of its time, it's beyond frightening........

              One-eyed, hairy-handed aliens infiltrate our military bases and communications centers.........installing O.B.I.T. (Outer Band Individuated Teletracer)...... machines capable of spying on anybody, at any time, anywhere in the world.......during their most private moments, sharing their most private thoughts.......

               Anyone using OBIT, becomes hopelessly addicted to it, watching their friends,  work associates and worldwide total strangers blurt out things they'd never dream of revealing in public.......

              Yes, boys and girls.....it's Jurassic-Era FACEBOOK!!! Social Media to the max, designed by those clever aliens to destroy humankind by generating enough blind hatred to make us all kill each other......

               Science fiction you say?  Think so?  Take a look at the comments section on Facebook posts.......

               This new master plan is a brilliant technological improvement over the Alien plan in Rod Serling's "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street" 'Twilight Zone' episode.......those invaders spread chaos and disaster by shutting our power off........."The Outer Limits" bunch, sly devils all, know they can finish us off even quicker by preying upon our overwhelming need to stick our nose in everyone else's business.......for nothing more than pure entertainment value......

               Such an insidious thing could never happen today.......could it? (Heh, heh, heh, heh....)

               The primary alien-in-human-form is played to creepy perfection by renowned actor (and acting coach) Jeff Corey........(you know at once what he's up to, since he still sports the telltale hairy hands and wears goggle-sized, circular horn rim glasses to accentuate his other-worldliness.)

                 Staged and photographed like a claustrophobic mini-noir, , "O.B.I.T" s only one of many
4 star (****) gems that make up this series.  (We promise to cover more of 'em as the quarantine hell drags on....)

                 By the way.......has anyone checked the back of Mark Zuckerberg's hands lately?

           

           

'THE BIG GOODBYE'.....'CHINATOWN' - A STATE OF MIND AND A MOVIE......

The Big Goodbye: Chinatown and The Last Years Of Hollywood by Sam Wasson (2020)

              A more aptly titled book you'll never find.......since the creation and release of "Chinatown" in 1974 stands as a milepost marker for a Hollywood in transition.........

               The old studio system that flourished through the 30's, 40's and 50's was in its last gasping crumbling disarray.......films driven by characters and stories were soon to be replaced by mass appeal blockbusters opening in every neighborhood theater on the same day......the studios themselves were gobbled up by conglomerates,.........

               ......and the conglomerates didn't hunger for good movies,....seeing only the bottom line, they hungered for only for cash.......

                That's what makes this incisive, fly-on-the-wall account of "Chinatown"s birth all the more fascinating.......the artistic chaos and turmoil that surrounded its conception is a jaw dropping tour through the reality of filmmaking. 

                  If you look at the end result, by viewing the movie after reading this book, you might come away from it thinking classic movies are like lightning strikes.........random, spectacular miracles that can never be duplicated.

                  The story comes fully equipped with an unforgettable cast of characters.........the master screenwriter/script-doctor Robert Towne, whose initial overlong drafts of "Chinatown" were teeming with a myriad of subplots and characters.......the young, volatile Robert Evans, the most unlikely of Paramount studio chiefs.......freshly minted superstar Jack Nicholson.......and the brilliant but soon to  be pariah Roman Polanski, who imposed his own dark history and worldview on Towne's vision of
corruption and evil in Los Angeles.

                  Author Wasson digs deep here and uncovers a treasure trove of revelations......that Towne relied on an uncredited 'ghost screenwriter' to complete the script.......that Jerry Goldsmith's superb moody score was a last minute addition after the film's original score was deemed too strange and dissonant........we'll say no more - the rest of these stories you should discover yourself.

                  Told with an expansive overview of a film industry about to experience earthshaking convulsions, "The Big Goodbye" is one of BQ's best reads of the year........even if you're not a hardcore film buff.  Like "Chinatown" itself, a great story, well told. 4 stars (****).

                 

'10 THINGS WE SHOULD DO BEFORE WE BREAK UP'....#1. AVOID THIS MOVIE

10 Things We Should Do Before We Break Up (2020)  We wouldn't dream of pounding on this pathetic little wisp of an independent film...........

              It would be like kicking a whining puppy......

              We don't begrudge indie filmmakers for wanting to upend, warp and tear apart the traditional  Hollywood rom-com......more power to 'em......

             But more often than not, their attempts end up like this one.......half-baked, padded with tropes from better romances than the one they're making.......and maddeningly unfinished.

              Mercifully, it runs only 75 minutes......and yet it can barely find enough content to fill up the time alloted......

             Nothing much to talk about......harried single mom (Christina Ricci) throws caution to the wind and does a meet-cute with an arrested development man-child. (Hamish Linklater).
           
              In an even more reckless move, these two decide to try a relationship after Ricci ends up pregnant from their drunken first date........which predictably plunges them into all the ups and downs that correspond to Linklater's immature mood swings.....

               All this angst only leads to an abrupt non-ending that looks like the filmmakers must have run out of whatever cash was left in their already meager budget......

               BQ adores Christina Ricci, we'd watch her in anything.......and she's the one and only reason we'll scrape 1 & 1/2 stars for  something as negligible as this film........watchable only for the
hardcore Ricci-ites among us.....

FIRST LIVE INTERVIEW WITH A CORONAVIRUS! EXCLUSIVE TO BQ!!

           Proof positive that you can depend on the BQ to break news you can't get on any other news site or blog......

            The 1st Amendment protects us from revealing how we managed to obtain a sample of Senator Rand Paul's phlegm.......and how a covert team of scientists extracted a sentient sample of the virus for us to interview......exclusively for this blog and our treasured visitors.....

              We proudly and unashamedly present an uncut transcript of the interview......

BQ:      I can't say I'm happy to have you here, but thanks for speaking with us. You don't mind if I maintain a 6 foot distance and wear this mask do you?

CORA:  Hey, knock yourself out, flesh-boy.  Sooner of later I'll be sneezed to meet ya...heh, heh. First let me say Hi! to your followers........Good Evening, Ladies and Germs.......just call me Cora.for short.....I'd love to give ya all a big sloppy hug 'n kissy-kissy!

BQ:       I doubt anyone wants that. So......you've really shaken the world up, haven't you?

CORA: Oh baby, I'm just gettin' started.......and you United States suckers......thank you so much! You've made it sooooo easy for me and my family to infect you all.......electing a complete moron to run your country!  You guys are awesome!

BQ:      But wait a sec......President Trump thinks we can contain you enough to re-open our nation in time for Easter Sunday services........

CORA:   By all means.....do it. Please! Please!  Especially all you Red Hat mutants who think everything that comes out of that walking bowel movement's mouth is the Gospel Truth!

BQ:      You mean to say......you won't be gone if people crowd into all the U.S. churches on Easter Sunday?

CORA:  Are you shittin' me?  Eh, maybe you are, the way you humans obsess over toilet paper........listen up, you feckless four-limbed meatpie, I'm gonna be sittin' in every single Trumpworld church pew, come Easter!

BQ:      Well, that's disturbing......

CORA:   Disturbing?  You mean delightful!  You guys show up in force in the churches, you won't just praise Jesus.....I'll do my best to make sure you meet Him personally....heh, heh........

BQ:        At least the President no longer believes that you're a hoax.....

CORA:   He's priceless......My buds and I were wonderin' how may people we'd have to kill until President Dickwad and Fox News dropped the hoax crap.......hey, you want a selfie with me?

BQ:     No, we're good right here, thanks.  So......what are your future plans?  What's next for you?

CORA:  What do you think, numbnuts?  Wipe you bastards off the face of the earth.......until there's nobody left but me, cockroaches and maybe Greta Thunberg, whom you dumbasses should have listened to all along.......

BQ:      But many of us do re-cycle.  And a majority of us voted against Trump.......you're just being evil and nasty.......

CORA:  I know! But unlike you're idiot leader, I'm not racist, I don't discriminate. I want to off
everybody!   White people too! And breaking news, bub......Trumpty-Dumpty can't hurt my feelings with one of his stupid nicknames. He can call me 'Chy-Na Virus' all he wants....I'm still comin' for ya........

BQ:    We appreciate you took time out of your busy schedule.  Any last words for those reading this?

CORA:   Hey listen......I'm not all bad.  After all, didn't I infect Harvey Weinstein and Rand Paul?
You're welcome, America!  My advice......get out more and mingle. And when you listen to those White House press conferences, pay careful  attention to your President. Take everything he says to heart!

BQ:    But almost everything he says is either delusional or an outright lie.....

CORA:   Shhhhhhhh!  Keep that to yourself, will ya?  Don't spoil all my fun.

BQ:   One last thing before you go......let me introduce you to Lysol spray.....

CORA:  (sound of screaming)   Arrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

'THE LION KING' (2019)......CAN YOU FEEL THE GREED TONIGHT?

The Lion King (2019)    We could barely hear any sound in this movie.......

            It was drowned out by the droning clicks of Disney accountants, pounding away on their calculators.......

              Up till this atrocity appeared, Disney was always careful to avoid having their soulless remake-reinventions of their animated classics revealed as blatant, naked cash grabs......

               ........which of course they were. Disney fooled no one in that regard.

            But with this film, the Disney corporate lizards didn't give a damn that a CGI 'Lion King' would look intentionally designed to pick the pockets of  the poor suckers who'd dutifully shlep their kids to see it.

             The only thing that staggers the imagination about this film is the overwhelming greed behind its conception.......

              Similar to director Gus Van Sant's woeful, foolish attempt to make a carbon copy of Hitchcock's "Pyscho", Disney's laborious effort to computer copy 'The Lion King' couldn't  even reach the low bar it already set for itself......

               In place of the bright, brilliant characterizations of the original film's animators, the usual vast army of CGI minions was deployed to create photo realistic animals......

              And even with all this massive technology assembled, the new cast resembles a collection of dead-eyed stuffed animals come to life......

               So the overall effect is like watching a movie whose cast came from the prize shelf of the water balloon game at the State Fair carnival midway.......

                It's no use continuing this post any further........wrong-headed and rotten to its very core, this movie can only have one rating.....(and we don't give these out lightly or often...)

                 AFH......a bona fide, honest-to-blog ABOMINATION FROM HELL........which is where all copies of this thing belong........

             

'LADY IN A CAGE'.....SELF-QUARANTINE WITH A VENGEANCE

Lady In A Cage (1964)   This nasty little item reared its ugly head as part of the mid-1960's Geriatric Horror Boom that exploded on to the scene after the surprise success of "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane".......

                A whole new crazy genre arose.......and long forgotten actresses of Hollywood's golden age found  newly born careers, recruited into horror films of varying quality........ the ladies could bulge their eyes and scream their lungs out in front of  camera....instead of during a nursing home enema.....

                "Lady In A Cage" stands apart in this crowd of Senior Gothic efforts......ahead of its time in its depiction of a crumbling American social order, a society gone awry with senseless cruelty and violence.....

                  The premise hooks you right away........a wealthy matron (Olivia de Havilland) recovering from hip surgery, finds herself trapped inside the small elevator meant to transport her between the first and second floors of her mansion.....and that's exactly where it stops and strands her - between floors.

                   She hasn't yet realized that when her deeply closeted gay son left her alone for day, he left for good, leaving a note explaining that her helicopter-mothering was driving him close to suicide......

                  You think things can't get worse for Olivia?  How 'bout a home invasion from a whole  slew of lowlifes who exist somewhere behind her house........a homeless wino (Jeff Corey), a washed-up hooker (Ann Southern)......and worst of all, a hellish young juvenile delinquent trio (James Caan, Jennifer Billingsley as Caan's bargain-basement Bardot and Rafael Campos as their switchblade-happy minion....)

                   Since this movie's determined to plunge you into a human abyss, its L.A. geography is deliberately skewed.  Olivia's Beverly Hills-style abode sits right in front of a road clogged with speeding traffic, as if her neighborhood's parked on a rush hour freeway off-ramp.  (The crushed dead dog lying by the curb serves as an obvious harbinger of the film's climax....)

                     And as we mentioned before, behind her palatial digs sits a crime ridden hellhole, where a gangster pawnbroker doles out cash for stolen goods......such as the clothing and crockery that Caan and his merry band of psycho thugs plan to haul out of Castle de Havilland.

                    We wouldn't dare spoil the fun of discovering how this all plays out, except to say it's hardly a surprise that it all ends badly and/or bloodily for just about everybody in the cast........

                    Director Walter Grauman and writer Luther Davis have a real agenda here besides delivering up the pulpy gore........they're out to excoriate Los Angeles, turning it over like a huge rock so you can cringe at all the squiggly, crawling things underneath........the omnipresent, ominous parade of cars.....the callous remote apathy......and the riotous collision between the have-not hoods and the oh-so-entitled Olivia is as direct and brutal a  clash of social classes as anything on display in "Parasite".

                    Let's hear it for the cast who go all out to punch up the the film's lurid extremes..... the Hollywood warhorses Corey and Southern, James Caan making the utmost of his first starring role.....and a game and ready Olivia de Havilland, who endures far more torment here than when she barely escaped the burning of Atlanta in 'Gone With The Wind'.......

                    Considered too raw for comfort at the time of its release, "Lady In A Cage" looks more at home now than it ever did in 1964, Any lovers of rogue, cult cinema won't want to miss a ride on that stalled elevator to nowhere.......4 stars (****) Just remember to step over the dead dog......

                 

                   

'NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS'......CRUDE BUMS AND NO FUN

Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)   You've no idea how much we'd have loved to tell you that this movie lives up to all the down 'n dirty fun that it promises in its outrageous, funny title.........(and its tagline as well....."This sister's one bad mother"........)

          So, so very, very sorry.

           Ir'a joyless, crappy sludge, slapped together by an amateur-night crew of 'filmmakers' who spent way too much time watching Tarantino, Rodriguez and DePalma movies.......

            These hacks were so busy shouting "Woo Hoo!" at all the violence in those directors' works, they took no notice of the actual filmmaking skills on display.........

             The first crucial thing these yo yo's failed to comprehend........Tarantino, Rodriguez and DePalma use real actors.........the 'Nude Nuns' clown car thought they could imitate their idols by using non-acting non-entities who deliver their dialogue at porn-star level......

               Beyond painful to watch.

               But we will give them a smidge of credit for their lunatic plot........which envisions an unholy alliance between a Mexican Catholic church and "Los Muertos", a scuzzy bunch of drug dealing goons.......

                The poor nuns are forced to work as either drug packagers (stripped down to only their headgear), or stripper-hookers......or in the case of Sister Sarah, beaten and drug-addicted sex slaves....

                Sister Sarah however, newly energized by a message from God, breaks free and goes on a vengeful rampage........and yes, she's nude......and yes, she wields big guns.....

                 And that's all there is , folks.......except for a moment at the finale when the filmmakers, consumed with delusions of grandeur, set up a supposed sequel........

                Which we hope nobody will hold their breath waiting for........

                 Bottom-of-the-barrel stuff.....we'll eke out 1/2 of a star......and that's title and the tagline......we only hope "This sister is one bad mother" can be put to use on the next revival of "The Sound Of Music",,,,,,,,

'WILD WILD WEST'.....BIG WILLIE'S SUMMER OF DISCONTENT

Wild Wild West (1999)   All anyone remembers about this one......it's the movie that sent the Will Smith Summer BlockBuster Express flying off the rails........(ironic, since a chunk of it took place on a train....)

             ......the first time that Big Willie swung for the fences.......and like the poem's Mighty Casey, struck out...........

             But we couldn't help checking in on it again, if for no other reason to ascertain if it's really as disastrous as critics and audiences  first judged.

              Surprise, surprise. It isn't.

             Yes, it's unadulterated summer movie junk.........taken from a beloved old TV series and then put through the Major Studio gauntlet.......multiple screenplay drafts (guaranteeing an incoherent mess of a final shooting script).....bloated special effects budget, with no thought whatsoever given to how the effects would integrate with the story.......and a 'storyline' that's nothing more than random sequences stitched together, peppered with loads of comedic sound bites to mollify the egos of the its stars.......

               So you'll not hear us deny that it's a senseless goulash of a movie.......a patchwork of scenes designed to make a great trailer that'll lure the suckers in on a hot July 4rth weekend.....

                What it comes down to.......can you actually sit and watch it?  Is it the least bit entertaining to sit through......

                  Surprise surprise. We sat through it just fine. Cause in our long, long film-viewing life, we've sat through a hell of a lot worse movies than this one....(especially ones that were wildly overpraised at the time of their release....)

                 Not that the distance of almost 21 years has improved it any. It's still overproduced, barely written, desperate and exhausting in its attempts to deliver all the wham-bams that the multi-plex crowds expected from their summer movies.......

                 But really, it's as awkwardly harmless as the giant CGI mechanical spider that goes clunking and thunking through the movie like one of Spielberg's 'Jurassic Park' brontos......and Will Smith and Kevin Kline do manage to carve out something of a comedic timing rapport.......

                 We suspect the ever growing pop culture media machine brought the hammer down on 'Wild Wild West'  as a celebration of seeing the first Big Willie  Behemoth to go belly up at the box-office.........(think of it as a not-so-hidden guilty pleasure, the sight of an ultra-successful superstar deflated like a punctured Thanksgiving Day parade balloon......on the flip side, the masses also equally enjoy a crushed celeb overcome adversity to climb right back on top again.......that's the
show-biz, baby....)

                   Sitting back and letting this misbegotten movie wash over us didn't bother us at all......we chuckled a bit at Smith and Kline's antics, Selma Hayak's see-through pajama bottoms, even Kenneth Branagh's strictly southern-fried comic book villainy that makes the Marvel bad guys seem modest and restrained in comparison.

                    The movie was, after all, designed as junky fun..... like a bagful of fried oreo cookies at the State Fair.........and if you switch off enough brain cells.....you might find it so, too. 2 & 1/2 stars
(**1/2)



               

'SHAKE HANDS WITH THE DEVIL'......WHEN IRISH EYES AREN'T SMILING

Shake Hands With The Devil (1959)   Yes, it did occur to us that we should have posted about this film yesterday..... St. Patrick's Day.........which would have been the perfect moment to discuss this white-hot melodrama about the Irish 'Troubles' in the 1920's......

           What can we say......tough shamrocks. In this dystopian age of self-quarantining, social distancing and snarling "my precious!" to a roll of toilet paper......we lost all track of time.......

             Besides, we all might as well start embracing these old movies.........as it appears there won't be any new ones till sometime next year.......

             This one's a corker of an action-drama, ripped from the 1920's headlines and galvanized by that legendary icon James Cagney......fully tearing into his role as an I.R.A. fanatic consumed with bloodlust.

             You get the full Cagney-fication here, with the star playing a renowned Irish surgeon who in reality takes more lives than he saves......as he plans and carries out guerrilla assaults on Britain's dreaded 'Black An Tan' special forces who hunt down Irish rebels. Cagney's a true force of nature here, a one man whirlwind of rage and revenge.

              One his medical school students, a visiting American (Don Murray) gets sucked into the mayhem, arrested and beaten senseless by a brutal Black And Tan colonel.......which enrages the already volcanic Cagney who breaks Murray out of prison and vows overwhelming payback.

               While Murray recuperates,  an elderly noblewoman (Dame Sybil Thorndyke) gets seized and convicted by the Brits for attempting to help an IRA fighter escape.  Cagney then hopes to free the frail Thorndyke (who's on a hunger strike) with a prisoner swap..... by in turn kidnapping a revered young widowed aristocrat (the ever lovely Dana Wynter) 

               Naturally, the conflicted Murray, who's starting to question Cagney's mad fanaticism and devotion to violence, falls hard for Wynter.  But Wynter faces a bullet from Cagney if the Brits won't spring the dying old lady in exchange for her.......just as Cagney and his forces launch a bloody dockside firefight to assassinate the Black And Tan commander........

               You can depend on Cagney and director Michael Anderson to keep all these incendiary plotlines at a full boil........there isn't a minute of this film that isn't riveting. And we loved spotting all the instantly familiar faces in the large supporting cast of British and Irish actors........including Glynis Johns as a barmaid-hooker who shares an unspoken toxic history with Cagney and a young Richard Harris as the most reckless of the IRA bunch.

              So don't wait for next year's St. Patrick's Day to check this out.......BQ says if you're seeking a tough little classic film,  you can shake hands with "Shake Hands With The Devil" any day of the year......4 stars (****)

           

'HORROR EXPRESS'.....THE BRAINS GET DRAINED MAINLY ON THE TRAIN

Horror Express (1972)   Don't know why it took us so long to catch up with this one.......almost everybody's favorite, non-stop asskicking horror/sci-fi flick from the 1970's........

              Not to mention one of the most perfectly unhinged, insane little gems you'll ever find......

              Befitting its everything-but-the-kitchen-sink reputation, the film itself is an oddball mongrel of a movie.......concocted by an amalgamation of Brits, Americans and Spanish filmmakers.....and starring two legendary British horror icons, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.......

              Even better, the film presents these cinematic adversaries as a united team for the first time......and comes up with a doozy of an opponent monster for them to battle together......

              The mad, mad, mad, mad screenplay turns 'Murder On The Orient Express' into an off-the-rails sci-fi/horror free-for-all.......with a prehistoric alien life form running amuck on a train......sucking the brains out some passengers while turning others into zombie-fied minions.....

              As the train barrels through 19th century Siberia, the plot amps up the crazy just as fast......with the formless alien, who's been steadily working its up the earth's evolutionary scale, possessing a police inspector........(a huge step up from the ancient dead humanoid it sat in for a zillion years)

              Along for the ride, as if this movie needed anybody more nuts, is a Rasputin-like loony monk (Alberto de Mendoza, hamming it to the max).......this guy's so bonkers, the alien ignores him, realizing that this raving screwball doesn't have a single brain cell worth sucking out.......

              But plenty of other folks get a fatal peek at the alien's glowing stare, which leaves their own eyeballs fried egg-white and their noggins de-brained........until the movie pulls out yet one more Wild Card in its final section.....

              And that's none other than Telly Savalas as a brutal, smirking Cossack captain who hitches a ride on the train and thoroughly enjoys himself humiliating and slapping around the passengers.....(which doesn't sit too well with stiff-upper-lips Cushing and Lee, who've managed to maintain their dignity and decorum during the mounting body count.....)

              It's all breathless, outrageous stuff, as Savalas and his Cossack horde get turned into rampaging alien zombies as the trains hurtles on.......toward a cliff......(where else?)

               If you nurture a lifelong love of fantasy-sci-fi-horror, this one's essential viewing.....and always a joy to re-visit.  BQ says don't delay, hop on 'Horror Express'.......the only crazy train you can take in the quarantined safety of your own home........4 stars (****).

"IT CHAPTER TWO"......AT LEAST IT KILLED 3 HOURS OF QUARANTINE...

It Chapter Two (2019)    Welcome, BQers, to our self-imposed, indefinite self-quarantine........free of human contact and awash in hand sanitizer and assorted germ-killing wipes and sprays.......

               And just like President Baby Orange, we take responsibility for NOTHING......

               But then again, it's easy to say that when you're just a movie-book blogger......and not the Leader Of The Free World and The Greatest Nation On Earth......

                 So then.......with loads of time on our hands, hundreds upon hundreds of  films and books at our disposal, why not dive right into the most bloated, overlength, overproduced horror movie in recorded history.........

                File this one under "Be careful what you wish for....."........as in, "Wouldn't it be awesome if somebody could make frickin' horror movie with unlimited time, unlimited budget, unlimited access to 500,00 CGI artists......all of 'em whippin' up the freakiest stuff they can think of????"

                Yeah, right.

               Here's the basic problems doing a film this way........horror movies depend on startling you, gripping you, taking you for one hell of a rapid rollercoaster ride.

               "It Chapter Two" does none of that.

               Its primary objectives are to wear you out with its sheer heft (2 hrs and 50 minutes)......and repeatedly pound you over the head with its repetitive, interminable vaudeville parade of pop-up CGI monsters.......

                You know what it's like to watch this movie?  Imagine touring one of those cheesy Chamber Of Commerce 'haunted houses' that operate all through October.......where you stumble through hallways where amateur-night actors wait to jump out at you every other minute....

                Now imagine one of those haunted house walk-throughs taking almost 3 hours.........

                After awhile, you can hear yourself mentally counting down.....(one, two, three...Booga Booga!) and correctly guess when the next computer enhanced version of Pennywise The Clown will bounce up like a Jack-In-The-Box........

                .......a Jack-In-The-Box that operates with more regularity than all the buses and trains in New York City......

                    Scary?   Every so often........despite all the time and effort lavished on the effects, the most frightening entity in the movie is a good, old-fashioned flesh-and-blood actress......Joan Gregson, deftly playing Pennywise masquerading as a seemingly harmless little old lady..........

                     When an actual actress can generate more genuine unease and dread than the film's entire spectacular array of CGI beasts.......you know this film's in trouble.....

                     And if you're hoping the film eventually doles out some typical Stephen King-like Karma to the homophobic thugs who brutally assault a gay man in the opening sequence.......don't hold your breath........the filmmakers forget all about it.....

                     Overall, a tiresome experience........though we did like the shout-out to the most immortal moment in John Carpenter's "The Thing"......which has Bill Hader delivering David Clennon's priceless line at the sight of a scuttling spider-creature.....(which is how all of us would react to the sight of a scuttling spider-creature......)

                      If it's real, unfettered horror and nausea you crave, you can always listen to our fearless President Baby Orange assuring you that "everyone's doing a tremendous job.....and we have the situation well under control.....but I take no responsibiltiy."  He's like Pennywise assuring that little kid that ...."we all float down here, Georgie! But I take no responsibility...."

                       Back to the movie......1 & 1/2 stars (*1/2).......wait for a free rental at your local library......or if you must collect it, wait'll it lands in the $3.74 Wal-Mart bin.....or even better, the cardboard movie bin at the Dollar Store.......

               

BQ'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO SURVIVING CORONAVIRUS

                      Don't panic! Holy Crapola, for the love of God, don't panic!

                      Okay, now that we've calmed down, follow these simple steps during this Pandemic crisis and soon you'll arrive at a state of bliss comparable to Mike Pence when he's on his knees.....either in prayer or in proximity to the President........

                       #1. Pay no attention to anything that comes out of Donald Trump's mouth......it bears no relation to reality, truth, logic and anything resembling normal intelligent human speech.....

                        #2. Stop buying ridiculous amounts of toilet paper......it's a respiratory disease, not dysentery. So you're not going to shit your brains out........unless you're a MAGA-hatted Trumpanzee.

                         #3. Do not attempt make Margueritas with hand sanitizer......take our word for it, the buzz you get is minimal......

                          #4, NBA and NHL fans facing cancelled seasons should consider alternative choices for TV entertainment.......we recommend:  "My Iguana From Hell", "Volcano Hang-Gliding", "Glacier Ice Truckers In Haiti", "Kate Gosselin's Guide to Parenting" , "Hunting Kardashians"

                          #5. Cancel any plans to visit movie theaters or restaurants......unless you're planning to see "Call Of The Wild", in which case you'll be alone in the theater......or unless you plan to eat at Taco Bell or Chipotle , in which case you've got a death wish anyway.......

                          #6. Stop crying about "Fast And Furious 9" being postponed until next year......and thank the movie studios for their concern that you don't lose any brain cells during this crisis.......but if you must lobotomize yourself while quarantined at home, binge watch all the others with the sound turned way up.......

                          # 7.  To make sure you spend 20 seconds washing your hands, sing "Into The Unknown" from 'Frozen 2'........don't forget to e-mail us the video so we can post it on YouTube.

                          # 8. To accurately determine when the crisis is lessening.....when your local news goes back to stories on house fires, that's the 'All Clear' sign.......when the network newscasts return to mudslides, hailstorms and overturned trucks, you can breathe a sigh of relief.......

                           # 9, If you're feeling at all achy and feverish........stay home........unless you're on the staff of a Republican congressman or senator........then, by all means, you MUST drag your sick ass into the office.....(and once there, don't dare hold in explosive sneezes, otherwise your head will explode like those guys in the horror movies.....make sure you're standing close to the congressman or senator before he goes into a White House meeting.....)

                           # 10. Good news! President Trump recommends these following home remedies for those quarantined with Coronavirus........guaranteed to cure you, trust him......one bucket of Extra Crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken,  several Big Macs, and Extra Large Fries, repeated viewings of Sean Hannity and "Apprentice" reruns.....(remember to wash down all food with 1 quart of Coca-Cola and a chocolate cream Dunkin Donut......)

                             There now.......don't you all feel better already?   Don't thank us, it's the least we could in this time of crisis.......(just like Baby Orange and his advisors, we thought we'd accomplish
.....the least we could do.....)

'OUTBREAK' ....HOLLYWOOD GERMS GET THEIR TINY ASSES KICKED

Outbreak (1995)   Couldn't help ourselves........this one seemed like such a natural to revisit in the midst the Coronavirus crisis........

             On some primal level, it's entertaining to watch.......it is, after all, a typical machine-tooled, expertly crafted Hollywood product.....smoothly directed by Wolfgang ('Das Boot') Peterson, who, like fellow compatriot Roland Emmerich, enjoyed a career as a big-budget pulp fictioneer.... ("Air Force One", "Troy", "The Perfect Storm", "Poseidon")

                This movie came out a winner in its fierce competition to hit theaters first before a planned film version of the non-fiction best-seller "The Hot Zone" (about the discovery of the deadly Ebola virus and attempts to contain it...….)

                "The Hot Zone" film, which was to star Robert Redford and Jodie Foster, folded its tent, leaving the 'Outbreak' crew free to create their very own killer-virus-comes-to-America thriller.......modeled after the atomic-mutation-on-the-loose movies from the 1950's.....

                The first half is the best, urgent and suspenseful.......involving a grungy smuggler played by  Patrick Dempsey. Hoping for some quick cash from a pet store owner, Dempsey sneaks an adorable little African monkey into the U.S...…...unaware the creature carries the kiss-of-death, 'Motoba' virus......which puts you in a body bag faster than you can gulp down an aspirin....

                No question we're headed for 'We're all gonna die' time.......as the chattering simian spreads the infection to  Dempsey, his girlfriend and hundreds and hundreds of others, all of them going from sniffles to death in 24 hours.......

                (You may never set foot in a movie theater again, at the sight of one guy's sneeze sending droplets of the death-sentence germ into everybody else's mouth......)

                The second half of the movie then lurches into all too typical Friday-Night-At-The-Multiplex action fantasy........as our fearless germ commandos (Dustin Hoffman, Cuba Gooding Jr., Kevin Spacey, Rene Russo) desperately search for a way to stop the rampaging microbes from slaughtering people faster than Godzilla and King Ghidorah......

                 Not helping this dire situation is a vile, heartless Army general (Donald Sutherland, phoning it in) who plans to drop a jumbo nuke-like firebomb on the infected town, thereby wiping out the virus along with the entire population.......just to be on the safe side.

                 Then cue the outrageous, improbable heroics......as Hoffman and Gooding Jr. swipe a copter and not only track down the monkey and extract a cure from its blood, but  then engage in an acrobatic aerial duel with Sutherland's  bomb-carrying plane on its way to blow up the sick folk so they don't sneeze on anyone else....ever........uh, yeah, right.

                   Utter popcorn-munchin' nonsense, but we weren't bored for one second and the top-of-the-line cast gives it their all...…..including Morgan Freeman as another Army general whose ambivalence about mass-exploding sick people holds steady until the crucial final moment...….

                  As unnerving as the scenes in "Outbreak" are, nothing can compare, for genuine fear and loathing, with the sight of our Dear Leader, Baby Orange (the very stable genius who knows everything about everything) coping with Coronavirus...….'coping' in Baby Orange speak, means the usual steady stream of lies and misinformation...…

                     Even the writers of "Outbreak" couldn't conceive of  a catastrophic event like the one unfolding now in real time...….a disease-stricken nation looking in vain for intelligence and leadership from a clueless moron...…

                     For the movie, 3 pumps of the hand sanitizer (***)...…...For Baby Orange and his ludicrous mishandling of the first crisis that he himself didn't cause......as always  Minus Infinity.....