"IT CHAPTER TWO"......AT LEAST IT KILLED 3 HOURS OF QUARANTINE...

It Chapter Two (2019)    Welcome, BQers, to our self-imposed, indefinite self-quarantine........free of human contact and awash in hand sanitizer and assorted germ-killing wipes and sprays.......

               And just like President Baby Orange, we take responsibility for NOTHING......

               But then again, it's easy to say that when you're just a movie-book blogger......and not the Leader Of The Free World and The Greatest Nation On Earth......

                 So then.......with loads of time on our hands, hundreds upon hundreds of  films and books at our disposal, why not dive right into the most bloated, overlength, overproduced horror movie in recorded history.........

                File this one under "Be careful what you wish for....."........as in, "Wouldn't it be awesome if somebody could make frickin' horror movie with unlimited time, unlimited budget, unlimited access to 500,00 CGI artists......all of 'em whippin' up the freakiest stuff they can think of????"

                Yeah, right.

               Here's the basic problems doing a film this way........horror movies depend on startling you, gripping you, taking you for one hell of a rapid rollercoaster ride.

               "It Chapter Two" does none of that.

               Its primary objectives are to wear you out with its sheer heft (2 hrs and 50 minutes)......and repeatedly pound you over the head with its repetitive, interminable vaudeville parade of pop-up CGI monsters.......

                You know what it's like to watch this movie?  Imagine touring one of those cheesy Chamber Of Commerce 'haunted houses' that operate all through October.......where you stumble through hallways where amateur-night actors wait to jump out at you every other minute....

                Now imagine one of those haunted house walk-throughs taking almost 3 hours.........

                After awhile, you can hear yourself mentally counting down.....(one, two, three...Booga Booga!) and correctly guess when the next computer enhanced version of Pennywise The Clown will bounce up like a Jack-In-The-Box........

                .......a Jack-In-The-Box that operates with more regularity than all the buses and trains in New York City......

                    Scary?   Every so often........despite all the time and effort lavished on the effects, the most frightening entity in the movie is a good, old-fashioned flesh-and-blood actress......Joan Gregson, deftly playing Pennywise masquerading as a seemingly harmless little old lady..........

                     When an actual actress can generate more genuine unease and dread than the film's entire spectacular array of CGI beasts.......you know this film's in trouble.....

                     And if you're hoping the film eventually doles out some typical Stephen King-like Karma to the homophobic thugs who brutally assault a gay man in the opening sequence.......don't hold your breath........the filmmakers forget all about it.....

                     Overall, a tiresome experience........though we did like the shout-out to the most immortal moment in John Carpenter's "The Thing"......which has Bill Hader delivering David Clennon's priceless line at the sight of a scuttling spider-creature.....(which is how all of us would react to the sight of a scuttling spider-creature......)

                      If it's real, unfettered horror and nausea you crave, you can always listen to our fearless President Baby Orange assuring you that "everyone's doing a tremendous job.....and we have the situation well under control.....but I take no responsibiltiy."  He's like Pennywise assuring that little kid that ...."we all float down here, Georgie! But I take no responsibility...."

                       Back to the movie......1 & 1/2 stars (*1/2).......wait for a free rental at your local library......or if you must collect it, wait'll it lands in the $3.74 Wal-Mart bin.....or even better, the cardboard movie bin at the Dollar Store.......