Okay, now that we've calmed down, follow these simple steps during this Pandemic crisis and soon you'll arrive at a state of bliss comparable to Mike Pence when he's on his knees.....either in prayer or in proximity to the President........
#2. Stop buying ridiculous amounts of toilet paper......it's a respiratory disease, not dysentery. So you're not going to shit your brains out........unless you're a MAGA-hatted Trumpanzee.
#3. Do not attempt make Margueritas with hand sanitizer......take our word for it, the buzz you get is minimal......
#4, NBA and NHL fans facing cancelled seasons should consider alternative choices for TV entertainment.......we recommend: "My Iguana From Hell", "Volcano Hang-Gliding", "Glacier Ice Truckers In Haiti", "Kate Gosselin's Guide to Parenting" , "Hunting Kardashians"
#5. Cancel any plans to visit movie theaters or restaurants......unless you're planning to see "Call Of The Wild", in which case you'll be alone in the theater......or unless you plan to eat at Taco Bell or Chipotle , in which case you've got a death wish anyway.......
#6. Stop crying about "Fast And Furious 9" being postponed until next year......and thank the movie studios for their concern that you don't lose any brain cells during this crisis.......but if you must lobotomize yourself while quarantined at home, binge watch all the others with the sound turned way up.......
# 7. To make sure you spend 20 seconds washing your hands, sing "Into The Unknown" from 'Frozen 2'........don't forget to e-mail us the video so we can post it on YouTube.
# 8. To accurately determine when the crisis is lessening.....when your local news goes back to stories on house fires, that's the 'All Clear' sign.......when the network newscasts return to mudslides, hailstorms and overturned trucks, you can breathe a sigh of relief.......
# 9, If you're feeling at all achy and feverish........stay home........unless you're on the staff of a Republican congressman or senator........then, by all means, you MUST drag your sick ass into the office.....(and once there, don't dare hold in explosive sneezes, otherwise your head will explode like those guys in the horror movies.....make sure you're standing close to the congressman or senator before he goes into a White House meeting.....)
# 10. Good news! President Trump recommends these following home remedies for those quarantined with Coronavirus........guaranteed to cure you, trust him......one bucket of Extra Crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken, several Big Macs, and Extra Large Fries, repeated viewings of Sean Hannity and "Apprentice" reruns.....(remember to wash down all food with 1 quart of Coca-Cola and a chocolate cream Dunkin Donut......)
There now.......don't you all feel better already? Don't thank us, it's the least we could in this time of crisis.......(just like Baby Orange and his advisors, we thought we'd accomplish
.....the least we could do.....)
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