We're sure the American Medical Association would agree with us that for the sake of your health and sanity, all trailers should be viewed individually, one at a time.....safely at home on the internet.....
Nobody in their right mind should subject themselves to the marathon displays of trailers perpetrated on suffering multi-plex audiences.........the effect of watching six or seven of these things in a row could be worse than staring up at the sun during a total eclipse.....not to mention the risk of permanent brain damage. Really, the only element missing from a multiplex trailer presentation.....having the ushers strap you to the armrests and Clockwork Orange your eyes wide with clamps........
First up, Jumanji:Wecome To The Jungle.......pardon us while we yawn.....another reboot with delusions of franchise grandeur.....more stampeding CGI Rhinos......(which means we'll lose the will to live during the 15 minute credit crawl of digital animators).......The Rock in one more movie that will live on to haunt him if he decides to run for President......and the whole cast spitting out rapid-fire, self depreciating gags as they're menaced by computer animals........Please, make it all go away.....
Tomb Raider.....now this one's a hoot, since it features a hilariously miscast Alicia Vikander as video game amazon Lara Croft......(we're no great fans of Angelina Jolie, but her Lara Croft casting was perfect, with her big eyes and ripe lips, she already looked like a fantasy character...).....Vikander looks like a slim little art-house movie actress who's been kidnapped and forced to act out deranged virtual reality scenarios by fanboys with too much time on their hands.......we pity poor Alicia for the amount of punishing gym time she must have put in.....in preparation for all those weeks jumping around in a warehouse draped with green screens (waves, mountains,creatures and whatever to be added later).......by the end of the trailer, she looks like she needs a nap........so did we.....
1 star apiece for each trailer (*), since in editing style, they're tediously the same.....(today's trailers are as rigidly structured as Haiku poems....).....we long for days of that voice-over guy who intoned....."In a world....where love is a crime......In a world... (feel free to fill in the rest....)
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