Wednesday, September 13, 2017

'LIFE'...........ED WOOD SMILES DOWN FROM HEAVEN.......

Life (2017)   Watching this reminded us of all our favorite stories about shlockmeister supreme Ed Wood Jr. making his mighty epic "Plan 9 From Outer Space".....

          For his flying saucers, Ed hurled aluminum pie plates across his lawn......overall, he spent about $60,000 dollars in 1959 money for his movie.....

           For their space station and squiggly, squishy CGI space monster, the filmmakers of "Life" spent about 58 million dollars......

             Even with 58 years and almost as many millions of dollars separating them, there's fundamentally no difference between "Plan 9" and "Life"..........shlock is shlock, whether it has the luxurious sheen of studio big bucks.....or it's from a guy throwing pie plates on his lawn.....

             If there's a wing in heaven for purveyors of rock-bottom, brazenly ridiculous sci-fi sludge, then Ed Wood surely must have nodded his head and grinned as he gazed down upon "Life",,,,,,

            Another wonderful thing we noticed.......in all these decades gone by, monsters from outer space haven't changed at all. Only the technology.  We fondly recall "It! The Terror From Beyond Space".....the monster was a big guy in a Halloween  costume. He sneaks around the space ship, kills a bunch of crew members and is generally pissed off.

             So what's changed? Nothing. The "Life" monster, some kind of surly squid-starfish combo, sneaks around the spaceship, kills a bunch crew members and is generally pissed off.

             By the time the thing's fully grown, it's got teeth and a permanently angry expression......just like the guy in the Halloween costume........the more things change....you know the rest......

             Countless reviewers wailed and moaned about this movie's faulty science and the numerous idiotic choices made by the characters.  Seriously, guys? What the hell did you think you were reviewing......episodes of Cosmos? 

              They failed to understand that "Life", for all its gloss and 700 computer animators, is nothing more than "Plan 9" and "Teenagers From Outer Space" with a bigger budget and higher tech.....

             Ah yes, the ending.....for which this movie's makers duly congratulated themselves for their cleverness.  Bullshit. The film's conclusion in nothing but a stupid ancient practical joke.......like someone squirting water at you out of the flower in their lapel, or pulling your chair out from under you before you sit down.  Old, old.....and lame.

               Ed Wood Jr. would probably give this movie 4 stars.......and God bless 'im, we understand. Down here in the real world, though, we'll blast off  1 & 1/2 (*1/2).......Hope you loved it, Ed......

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