It would be akin to reviewing a Trump tweet........it exists in its own self-contained, warped little universe........divorced from normal human behavior and interaction, drained of anything resembling humanity....
We watched this under what the BQ considered the only acceptable terms for putting ourselves through the experience.......as a free rental from the library.....
Our random thoughts:
Christian Gray (Jamie Dornan) Wow, they really let the air out of Mr. Spank-You, With A Fleet Of Audis......having his girlfriend run away from his B & D rumpus room practically turned him into another squishy, lovesick, 'please take me back' guy. We get the idea of the trilogy's mission to gradually humanize him......but to us, he was way funnier and more entertaining when he'd threaten a still clueless Dakota Johnson with not being able to sit down for a week........
Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) Johnson is the closest thing this franchise has to an MVP......and we'd readily award her an actor's equivalent of a Purple Heart for soldiering on through these movies, taking on what has to be the most thankless, humiliating role ever written for a woman.....(although, when discussing E.L.James and her screenwriter husband, Niall Leonard....'written' seems too strong a word.....'scrawled' 'scribbled', maybe...'vomited', possibly....)
Elena Lincoln (aka 'Mrs.Robinson) (Kim Basinger) A moment of memorial silence please.....for Kim's career. You could tell she wished she was back sitting on a kitchen floor, blindfolded while Mickey Roarke stuffed her mouth with everything in the fridge except an uncut pineapple......
Dakota Johnson's vagina balls What a missed opportunity for rib-tickling (or genital tickling) comedy.......not anywhere near as funny as that Katherine Heigl movie where some kid gets a hold of the remote that controls her vibrating panties.....
Spankin' new sex scenes.....in the spirit of bi-partisan cooperation, Anastasia now allows Christian to practice some modified rough stuff, as long as it doesn't leave her looking like Ronda Rousey after losing a bout. But seriously......what a wimpy exercise.....little Patty McCormack received a rougher ass-paddling at the end of "The Bad Seed".....
Enough of this.....time to cry out our 'safe' word to end the torture. The safe word.....Zero.......as in 0 stars for this misbegotten movie.......note to filmmakers for "Fifty Shades Freed"......if you can't make this tripe more unintentionally funny, why even watch it?
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