Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024) Been a lifelong Godzy fan....and always held a warm spot in my heart for Kong, too....
But this thing, fresh off the Warner Brothers 'Monster-verse' assembly line, just wore me out.
Why? The WB moguls, far more reptilian than Godzilla, want us to stay invested in their own monster strewn universe.
Much in the same way Disney-Marvel expected us to swallow every new bloated, repetitive addition to their various 'multi-verses', overcrowded with wisecracking superheroes.
Let's face it. They're boring the crap out of us with these connect-the-dots, paint-by-numbers CG-eyesores.
And this one, with only a small bunch of humans scurrying around from time to time, provides the ear-shattering, interminable monster battles that monster fanboys could only previously have wet dreams about.
Yes, it's almost entirely 2 hours of 'Titan' smackdowns.....some of them held in a vast underground monster park and some held in major cities, to the everlasting grief of their soon-to-be-squashed residents....
A word about this premise.....which really bugs me more than Mothra herself.....
If you swallow this movie's set-up, we've all learned to live with the monsters......even if they decide to hold their celebrity death matches right in the middle of town, crushing thousands of innocent people.
So the citizens of Rome just have to grow a pair and suck it up when Godzilla beats the crap out some other creature amid all the centuries old landmarks. Thankfully, the Godz-inator leaves enough left of the already partially crumbled Colosseum to use it to curl up and take a nap, like a cat who's just gobbled a plate of tuna.
Meanwhile, down in underground world, Kong's going at it with a gang of equally oversized chimps with nasty tempers. Their leader, who's like one of those right-wing 'Planet Of The Apes' warmongers, wields a whip made of his last victim's spine........and even worse, Evil Chimp has his very own pet monster, who spits freezing rays.....
Time for reinforcements. A little deaf girl (the movie's tired, pathetic attempt to humanize the proceedings) calls forth Mothra, who now looks like a mutated mosquito with wings designed for the New Orleans Mardi Gras....or maybe Billy Porter's next red carpet appearance.......
Godzy joins the fray, of course, but only after working out a few anger management issues with Kong.......and ends up duking it out with the Ice Lizard in Rio. And it's nice that WB, in order to maintain a PG-13 rating, conveniently leaves out the dying screams of thousands of unseen city dwellers obliterated during the battle. (We're not supposed to give those collateral damage victims any thought anyway.....WB wants you to gobble your popcorn and say, "Cooool!" at the bloodless, body-free carnage.....)
From over in Godzilla's homeland Japan, Toho studios released 'Godzilla Minus One' to overwhelming worldwide acclaim from both critics and audiences....
Why? It was a superbly done film, filled with drama, genuine emotions and special effects that, for a change, served the story being told. (See BQ's review of 12/23/23)
......and that's everything that this WB pre-chewed sausage lacks. 'Godzilla x Kong' is a mindless, soulless concoction, with nothing on its mind other than pounding you on the head with the spectacle of CGI behemoths pounding away at each other.
Yawn.
I guess 8 year boys of all ages will love it.....to gape at their favorite monsters bashing each other exactly like they bash their action figures at home......yipeeee......
2 stars (**).....and that's only for the shots of of Godzilla curled up for naptime in the Colosseum....BQ's nominee for Most Unintentionally Funny Moment In A Monster Movie......
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