BQ: Godzy! How've you been? I can hardly believe you stopped by for an interview with me!
GODZILLA: Hiya kid......how could I not? Always been a big fan of this site. You tell it like it is.....and jeez, some of this crap you dig up to review....you watch movies' more rare then the trilobites stuck between my toes.....
BQ: Congratulations on your Toho film 'Godzilla Minus One'.....you're an international hit with better reviews than 'Killers Of The Flower Moon' And 98% on Rotten Tomatoes! Everyone (including me) agrees that it's not only your best movie in a legendary career, it's a beautifully crafted movie that pulls on our heartstrings and still scares the livin' hell out of us.
GODZILLA:. True story.....when Toho pitched the title 'Godzilla Minus One' to me, I thought it was a rom-com about me trying to find a date to come with me to my sister's wedding. And I was so ready for that role.....I even cleaned off my back plates with scrubbing bubbles....
BQ: A rom-com? Really? You?
GODZILLA: /An actor's needs to stretch, ya know? For 79 years I'm playing the same damn role over and over again.....the pissed off reptile who breathes fire, steps on cities and fights whole bunches of similar giant freaks. Same old stuff. I wanted to think outside the box......maybe do a rom-com, maybe some inspirational parts, like a doctor or a paramedic, ....you know, a role model for all the little boys and girls who look like me.
BQ: Godzy, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but no little boy or girl looks like you.....unless they've got severer anger-management issues, bad breath and terminal eczema........
GODZILLA: Hey, all those little bastards love me! They get off on seeing me step on people and reduce an an entire country to rubble .....like I'm kinda the amphibious Donald Trump. But I got bigger fish to fry than frying Tokyo. I'm currently attached to a 'go' project, a romantic psychological thriller along with Jennifer Lawrence.
BQ: You and J-Law? Wow, I'm struggling to picture that........
GODZILLA: Believe it, baby! And aww, that cutie-pie Jennifer......so cute I could eat her all up....literally.
BQ: No, don't do that, please. Let's get back to 'Godzilla Minus One'. In all your films, I've never seen you as mean and frightening as you are in this one. And holy radiation, you fire breath ignites nuclear mushroom clouds!
GODZILLA: Pretty sweet, huh? The director's idea, God bless 'im. He made me wolf down 1000 Taco Bell burritos before I'd let fly with the morning breath. So no CGI needed whatsoever. It was all me.
BQ: I was so blown away watching you......come to think of it, so were the 5000 people fleeing you in Ginza.....totally blown away.
GODZILLA: Oh you bet Jurassic on that! Better than those wussie Warner Brothers Godzilla movies, right?
BQ: Exactly! I kept thinking those WB executive pumping out those Monster-verse entries should study 'Minus One' and learn how to properly make a freakin' Godzilla movie.
GODZILLA: You do know that's not actually me appearing in those Warners trainwrecks don't you?
BQ: Wait....you're kidding? That's not you?
GODZILLA: Hell no. Those Hollywood sons-of-bitches used A.I. to duplicate me. Did a suck-ass job of it too, givin' me a beer gut, like I've been doin' all night keggers with King Ghidorah. That's why I walked the picket lines at the SAG strike, to get a better deal on that A.I. bullshit. And you better believe I'll make mucho bank on the new contract.
BQ: You went on the SAG picket lines? How did we not hear about that? And no photos either?
GODZILLA: Yeah....about that. My P.R. team went into damage control after I accidentally stepped on Hugh Grant while walkin' the line. He's okay, but now the only thing he'll ever play is an Oompa Loompa in the 'Wonka' movie. He shouldn't be too pissed about it, though. After all, he beat me out for that role. And I'd worked all night on that effin' song too....''oompa-loompa doo ba dee doo"
BQ: No doubt you would've killed in that role. Multiple people, probably. Speaking of music, in your new film, what a jaw dropping showstopper that was, throwing in the original iconic Akira Ifukube score to accompany the climactic battle.
GODZILLA: I know! I know! I snuck into an early sneak preview in Burbank about a month ago.....I could hear the sound of 800 fanboys creaming in their pants when that music came blasting out in super stereo. I got a better standing ovation than Taylor Swift.....who incidentally is attached to a project I'm in negotiations for....a Disney reboot of 'Old Yeller', she's a farm girl and I'm Yeller.....
BQ: Well, I'm so glad you took time out from your busy promotion schedule to talk to me....
GODZILLA: No problemo, BQ. I've followed you ever since you reviewed one of my favorite moves, "The Green Slime"
BQ: But you weren't in that, were you?
GODZILLA: No, not me personally. But all those little slime monsters? Everybody thinks they were midgets or schoolkids in rubber suits. Like hell. They were all my kids from previous marriages, and at least one I got from a one night stand with a flight attendant on the Red Eye to L.A.
BQ: Well, let me tell you personally that 'Godzilla Minus One' is one the best movies I've seen during this or any other year.....and deserves all the praise and big box office it's earning. It's thrilling, heartbreaking, terrifying......with everything that made me a movie buff to begin with. And this blog is proud to give you and your film a radiation-hot 5 stars (*****), a BQ FIND OF FINDS.
GODZILLA: Love ya kid....mean it sincerely, let's do lunch soon. (SOUND OF PHONE RINGING) I'd kiss ya, but the breath thing you know.....I might burn your face off....You'll excuse me, I gotta take this call......'Taylor! What's shakin'', sweet potato? When ya gonna dump that football stiff and go out with me? Yeh, they Fed-exed me the rewrites..... now they want us to do 'Bambi'....you in the title role, me as Thumper....we'll nail it, sweetheart......
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