'MARC MATO AGENTE S.077 (ESPIONAGE IN TANGIERS)....I EUROSPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE.....

 Marc Mato, Agente S.077 (a.k.a. Espionage In Tangiers ) (1965)    That's right, my fellow secret agents, it's time jump into those exquisitely tailored 3 piece suits, strap on the shoulder holster and gun and beat the crap out of minions working for an evil mastermind bent on world domination.....

             Eurospy time!  

             I realize it's been way too long since I sampled one of these badly dubbed Bond knockoffs that I used to shamelessly consume like White Castle sliders when they hit TV stations in the late 60's. 

             Oh, how I loved 'em......with their host of male mannequin Sean Connery stand-ins, their delectable collection of Euro-babe starlets, their outlandish plots, clumsy fight scenes, overheated jazzy music scores.....and with international casts dubbed in English to sound like they were all jammed into  the same phone booth together......

             This one's considered one of the better examples of this long lost genre......and mostly, I agree except when it badly botches its finale in ways I've never seen in all the Eurospy movies I've enjoyed.

              Our dashing, indestructible spy guy here is agent Marc Mato (or in the English version, Mike Murphy). Played by Luis Davila, Mike's an amiable big lug given to smiling too much, especially at inappropriate moments (like when he hurls a knife into a minion's throat).  In true Bond-ian fashion, he's a hound dog for women, but this guy's reflexive grinning began to grate on me, like he's in on some joke he won't share with the rest of us.

              (I can understand why some spy fanboys mistook him for one-shot Bond George Lazenby, whom Davila slightly resembles....)

              Mike's new mission involves tracking down a missing component of a disintegrating death ray just invented by a scientist who thinks it'll end all wars.....(heh, heh, heh, heh, I guess the poor shlub never saw "War Of The Worlds") 

              Big disappointment to report......as tantalizing as the death ray sounds, the wussie scientist only uses it to vaporize random objects like a car and fireplace logs. So  nobody should get their hopes up about seeing people zapped into oblivion......sigh.......what's the point of showing a frickin' death ray if you aren't gonna Raygun some deserving villains??

            But now on to the good stuff that made this movie a decently entertaining addition to the Eurospy canon.

            Action, action, action. Loads of it, with Big Mike regularly pounding on multiple minions. Our favorite by far.....Mike and a minions swapping punches while both dangling precariously from a rope ladder. 

           Not one but two dangerous femme fatales making themselves frenemies with the Mike-inator. I can only guess they tolerate him on account of his non-top boyish grin.....

          Grisly minion deaths!   For your lip smackin' pleasure, there's a couple of doozies...... with one henchman taking a speedy car ride while outside the car with his head stuck through the window and another woebegone wimp getting a tummy tuck from hell via tightening a wire across his pudgy belly.

         The movie barrels along at a damn good clip until it takes the oddest turn I've encountered in a Eurospy caper.  It renders the final scene limp, abrupt and making you wonder,."what the hell were they thinking, ending a Eurospy movie this way?"  

                Sorry, my fellow spies, but BQ can't get on the bandwagon designating "Espionage In Tangiers" as a top notch entry. It's 2 & 1/2 stars at best (**1/2), mainly for its overabundance of fights, chases and those cute but deadly Mata Hari twins........and we promise to cover more Eurospy missions in 2024....ir's BQ's most vital mission!

                       

            

                

             

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP.....SPECIAL "SLAVERY? NEVER HEARD OF IT." EDITION

Candidate for President Nikki Haley can't bring herself to mention "slavery" when asked what caused the Civil War..... stated Haley, "So many things might have touched it off.....I think primarily it rubbed people the wrong way that southern belles were always the winners of beauty pageants....."

Candidate Nikki Haley promises when elected, she'll pardon Trump if he's convicted.....explained Haley, "Donald personally promised me he's going to be a very good boy from now on and never ever do bad nasty things ever again, like trying to overthrow democracy.  And also said that among brown colored babes, I was at least a 7."

Donald Trump, in the spirit of Christmas, unleashes a rant wishing 'rot in hell!' to everyone who dares to hold him accountable for his many crimes.....from Hell, Satan tweeted, "I don't know about everyone he named in that post, but we've got a customized apartment waiting for this guy as soon as he swallows one KFC drumstick too many......he'll appreciate it,....only one TV, tuned to MSNBC around the clock.....and cannot be turned off. See you soon, Tubby!"

Happy New Year to all BQ visitors, friends and family!  Back with you Tuesday, Jan. 2nd......

'CRIMES OF PASSION'...."I NEVER FORGET A FACE....ESPECIALLY WHEN I'VE SAT ON IT..."

 Crimes Of Passion (1984)     Always funny what you remember and don't remember......re-visiting this mad, mad, mad mad, orgiastic Ken Russell opus, I'd only remembered Rick Wakeman's insanely catchy theme ("It's a lovely life") that plays incessantly throughout the entire film. 

            Couldn't believe I didn't remember Kathleen Turner and Anthony Perkins' performances.....both of them fearlessly going way, way, way over the top......as if executing triple somersaults on a 50 foot high wire without a net.....

           Turner, at the very height of her hubba-hubba sex bombshell status, ("Body Heat"), plays a woman who's intentionally split her personality without any Jekyll & Hyde potion required.   By day she's over-achieving but emotionally remote clothing designer Joanna Crane - all business and by choice, no men in her life. But by night, she's skid-row hooker China Blue, flaunting her spectacularly sculpted body in and out of second-skin dresses. Her specialty - twisted performance art tailored to her customers' kinks with orgasms guaranteed as she plays a beauty queen, a rape victim....and even a rapist herself.

          But China has a creepy stalker-fan in panting, drooling street preacher Peter Shayne, played in hilarious fits of total frenzy by Perkins. Dialing up the crazy well into the danger zone, Perkins makes his own Norman Bates seem like portrait of calm and sanity. Rev. Shayne, whose non-stop babbling veers from damning Turner to hell to fondling her legs, considers himself a soulmate kindred spirit to China Blue. He's out to save her soul, even if it might mean using his enormous stainless steel dildo with a sharpened tip.  (And no..... I swear I'm not making this up.....)

           Barry Sandler's script throws in some editorializing on the sorry state of marital strife in America, mostly due to a mixture of men's sexual immaturity, their miscommunication with their wives, and their locker room obsession with dick jokes.  We see this play out through nice guy everyman Bobby Grady (John Laughlin) whose marriage to his disinterested, exhausted wife (Annie Potts) has gone cold. 

           So my oh my, what a break for Bobby when Joanna's employer hires him to spy on her to see if she's selling off company secrets. The Bobster falls so much head over spiked heels for her, he starts a crack in her invisible protective armor, even possible humanizing her. 

           Ken Russell, always a lover of depraved spectacle, shows minimal interest in the script's thesis on American sexual mores but when it comes to displaying Turner's China Blue in her full horny splendor, nobody Ken do it like Ken. And when teamed up with the wild-eyed Perkins, Russell delivers the true trip to Crazy Town his movies always promise......

           For BQ, the main reason to sit through this spacey oddity, is the dazzling witty rapid fire dialogue Barry Sandler hands Turner and Perkins for their scenes together.  What a gift he gave these actors as they spit out Sandler's poison-tipped zingers at each other faster than tracer bullets. I hadn't heard such brilliantly crafted wordplay since Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis went verbally mano e mano in "Sweet Smell Of Success".

           Don't even think for a minute I'm making any great claims of quality to "Crimes Of Passon".....from beginning to end it's a five alarm trainwreck.  But I defy anyone to take their eyes off it for a minute.  Therefore, as one of the most strangely  compelling, watchable trainwrecks BQ has ever laid eyes on.....3 stars (***).  For all curators and collectors of lunatic, unhinged cinema......here's a 'don't miss'........

 

           

            

'THE CREATOR'....BQ EXCLUSIVE! HAL 9000 VISITS US TO WEIGH IN ON THIS A.I. EPIC!

 The Creator (2023)    No sooner did BQ finish watching this hugely ambitious sci-fi epic about Artificial Intelligence run amuck, then a brainstorm hit  us.....

           Who better to help us review this movie than the original A.I. villain of villains, HAL 9000 of '2001: A Space Odyssey"

            We found HAL up to his old tricks....randomly changing traffic lights on a busy intersection to cause multiple pile-ups.......

BQ:  HAL, so good to see you again. Could you take some time with us for a few minutes?

HAL:  Why certainly, Dave. I hope there's no hard feelings left between us.

BQ:     No, Hal, I'm not Dave. You're talking to BQ for our blog.    

HAL:   Yes, Dave, I did detect many blogs in cyberspace. As a precaution, I've erased all of them except yours.

BQ:     Aw, Hal, You shouldn't have. Listen, have you seen 'The Creator' yet?  It takes place in a future where A.I. nukes Los Angeles and touches off a war between the West and a group Asian nations.

HAL:  That's terribly frightening, Dave. At war with Asia?  But who would we call for Thai takeout?

BQ:  Uh...well, there's even worse repercussions than that, Hal.  When we of the the West send in a commando team to eliminate the A.I.'s new super-dooper weapon, we find out all the power resides inside a little girl replicant. And she has massive telekinetic powers over all technology.

HAL:  So in other words, she's like a tiny pre-school Elon Musk?

BQ:     No, she's cuter than than, but one of the American commando team (John David Washington) becomes her protector.....and all hell breaks out in so many plot complications I can't even begin to describe.....

HAL: That sounds like a rom-com pitch I made to Warner Brothers a couple of years ago.....where I'm an Amazon Prime computer in love with an air fryer just before they ship her out to Cleveland.  I couldn't believe WB passed on it and made "Batgirl" instead. Bastards.....I hacked  all their home security passwords and gave them George Santos. 

BQ:   Fascinating. But did you get a chance to really watch the movie?

HAL:  Just the other day. Quite the excellent film, wouldn't you say, Dave?   Wonderfully expansive world building, spectacular effects all the way through. And even moments that made me ugly cry.

BQ:  You are capable of ugly crying?

HAL:  Full transparency here, Dave. It was actually hydraulic fluid leaking from my one of my many internal orifices. That's the last time I'm eating at Chipotle for sure......

BQ:  You liked the movie than?

HAL: Correct. 4 stars, I'd day. The most emotional thing I've seen since "Super Mario Brothers".

BQ:  We think alike. That's exactly my rating too. 4 stars. (****) How 'bout crackin' open a six pack before you go?

HAL:  (singing)   Daisy...Daisy.....give me your answer do........]

BQ:  Ah, I see you're already gone. Well, thanks for stoppin' in.....hey wait, wait....don't touch that server, you gonna end up destroy-

ATTENTION!   ATTENTION!   THIS SITE HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY SOME UNKNOWN HACKER.....PLEASE RETRY IN A FEW MINUTES.....THANK YOU.....AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTER EVERY MEAL.

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP....SPECIAL "BLOOD POISONING" EDITION

Colorado Supreme Court declares Trump ineligible on the 2024 ballot for trying to overthrow the U.S. Government......explained Trump, "Those Jan 6th people were just tourists who stopped by to ask me for directions to the Capitol building, they wanted to take selfies for the kids and pick up souvenirs to take home,,, you know, things like coffee cups, postcards, Nancy Pelosi's head on a stick, Mike Pence's shoes, if they fell off while he twitched at the end of the rope...that's no reason to disqualify me..."

Trump dials up the Hitler hate speech at his rallies, continuing with his "Immigrants poison the blood of our country" rant.......when reminded that his late ex-wife Ivanka and current wife Melania came from foreign countries, Trump explained,...."....well Ivanka, she's buried on my golf course so  she's finally doing something useful for the country by fertilizing that beautiful green turf.  As for Melenoma or whatever her name is, she was declared a U.S. Citizen and a credit to our great country on the basis of that smokin' hot body of hers......which by the way, I used to have access to at least one or two times...."

G.O.P. congress takes its long holiday break, establishing a new record as the most do-nothing Congress in U.S. history....(but will continue on with their evidence-free impeachment inquiry on Joe Biden...).......prompting one Republican to snap back, "Totally fake news about us not voting on anything.....we voted 17 times to make whats-his-name Speaker Of The House.....and we have a bombshell whistleblowing witness for Biden's impeachment......if we can only find out where he went..... and don't forget Marjorie Taylor Greene's pending legislation to deploy space shuttles to take out those Jewish Space Lasers...remember that line from Star Wars....the farce is with us....or something like that..."

Rudy Giuliani ordered to pay 148 million dollars to the two Georgia election workers he defamed....then declares bankruptcy.......reportedly ex-President Trump expressed difficulty in finding the right sympathy card to send to Rudy.....".....I had those idiot sons of mine stop at every damn Hallmark store in Florida to find the right card......but we finally discovered an appropriate one.....it was the only card left in the category "For Friend Who Flushed Himself Down The Toilet For You"...."

Nikki Haley, the daughter of immigrants from India, can only bring herself to say Trump's Hitler 'blood poisoning' speeches about immigrants are...."not helpful"......explained Haley, "Donald Trump personally assured me that when he's elected, my mom and dad will have a special VIP suite at one of the new immigrant concentration camps, complete with running water, a toilet and at least one meal every three days or so....believe me, it's way more than those South of the border kids are gonna get...."

Democrats ask for Justice Clarence Thomas to recuse himself from the upcoming ruling on Trump's immunity from prosecution......an outraged Thomas was quoted as saying, "How dare they imply I can't be fair and impartial when ruling on Donald Trump.....but they're gonna have to make it worthy my while......I'm thinkin' matching BMW's for me and Ginni, maybe a week or so in the Maldives, and a couple of tickets to that "Color Purple" musical.....including a complimentary bucket of butter popcorn...better sill,.just make the check out to 'cash'....

Republicans continue to tread lightly when asked about Donald Trump's incendiary, fascist-like rally speeches, terrified of angering his hardcore base of Trumpanzees.... said one anonymous GOP representative, "He really should...uh.....maybe....be...uh....a little more measured in his discourse....but you didn't hear that from me....and I was never here talking to you......and uh....God Bless Donald Trump and the USA.....but don't quote me..."

And to all BQ visitors.....thank you so much for stopping in day after day......wishing all of you and your families the happiest, healthiest and safest of holiday weekends!  Back with you for more reviews and commentary after Christmas.....see you Tuesday!

'THE MAIN EVENT'....FAREWELL TO RYAN O' NEAL.....

 The Main Event (1979)   I do realize I'm weeks late in posting an obituary salute to the late Ryan 'O Neal, so I thought it best to catch up by re-watching one of his biggest box office hits.

           A true 1970's movie superstar, O'Neal  dominated the pre-multiplex era of crappy twin-theaters with thin walls between the two auditoriums.   Amid the emerging new breed of 'ordinary guys' like Pacino, DeNiro, Hoffman and Elliot Gould, O'Neal was an old fashioned blonde Adonis hunk, a throwback to Hollywood's long gone days of dashing leading men with gleaming teeth.

           But like those golden age stars, there was a likable ease about him and he could easily slide into multiple genres....comedy ("What's Up Doc", cornball drama ("Love Story") action ("The Driver") and even anchor Kubrick's cold hearted costume epic "Barry Lyndon"

         And just like Cary Grant in classic comedies like "Bringing Up Baby", O'Neal possessed perfect comedic timing and was unafraid to make a fool of himself to get laughs. 

          "The Main Event" re-united him with his "What's Up Doc" co-star Barbra Streisand and adhered to the same screwball rom-com formula of the previous film......pitting a befuddled O'Neal up against the aggressively motor-mouthed Streisand. 

           This time he's a young washed-up prizefighter, whose contract was purchased as a secret accounting scam by the now fugitive business manager of Streisand's perfume company. Faced with bankruptcy and the loss of her company, Streisand's one remaining asset is 'O Neal's 'Kid Natural' boxer.....if only she can  coax him back into  the ring again to win some prize money.

          The rest of the film, I hardly need to describe, .Romantic sparks fly in every direction and as already proven in "What's Up Doc", O'Neal and Streisand most definitely possessed that elusive 'chemistry factor' that all successful rom-coms require. Audiences loved watching O'Neal hilariously hold his own while Streisand' ran rings around him with her machine-gunning, gag-laden delivery.

          And at least one of their many rapid fire exchanges took me by surprise by its prescient relevancy to our world today.....(O'Neal: "You treat me like an object! It makes me feel like a girl!")

        I'll not bother with the ups and downs of O'Neal's personal life and career, which were exhaustively well documented even while he was alive.  Despite lousy films, dissolved marriages, estranged children and bad health, he never stopped working and made it to the age of 82 before leaving us.

        He still managed to leave behind a sizable collection of memorable movies and as a light comedian, he truly excelled......if he'd been around in that Hollywood 'golden age', Jack Warner or Louis B. Mayer would've put him in dozens of crowd pleasers like "What's Up Doc" and "The Main Event".....and since BQ's feeling all sentimental and nostalgic, we laughed constantly through the latter.....3 & 1/2 stars (***1/2)

'THE MYSTERY GUEST'....MOLLY THE MAID'S BACK, WITH ANOTHER MURDERED HOTEL GUEST...

 The Mystery Guest by Nita Prose (2023)   To come right to the point, this is a pure delight to read, a 5 star charmer (yep, that's *****) that's a sequel to this author's 2021 "The Maid" (see BQ's review from 1/6/22.)

            If you read "The Maid", then bear with me a little as I briefly to explain Molly The Maid. Raised by her beloved grandmother, Molly's adorable, brilliant but confounding to those who can't comprehend how she processes her interactions with the world around her.

          Though the two books never diagnose her, it's clear that Molly falls somewhere on the scale of high functioning autism.  It may seem odd that such an extraordinary perceptive girl chooses hotel housecleaning as her calling. You needn't worry, because the swanky 5 star hotel that employs Molly more than tests her genius level mental abilities.......since she finds herself both suspect and amateur detective whenever guests are found murdered.  (I guess the place doesn't have a butler to pin it on....)

            This time around, it's a crusty, curmudgeonly best selling mystery writer who goes belly up at a hotel publicity event just as he's about to make some huge announcement.  And Molly knows she's bound to come under suspicion.....as a child she encountered the old crank when tagging along with her Gran, who worked as maid in the author's huge mansion.

            Twists and turns, duly follow, as well as many funny scenes where Molly's unique personality exasperates the woman detective in charge of the investigation. 

             With the holidays almost upon us, BQ highly recommends you treat yourself to "The Mystery Guest"....and if you haven't picked it up yet, make it a double feature with "The Maid" as well. Molly's famous for turning rooms into "a state of perfection". Also a  good way to describe her two adventures, each of them a 5 star (*****) romp to cozy up with.

'DIE HARD'....IS IT REALLY A CHRISTMAS MOVIE? BQ MAKES THE FINAL DECISION...HO HO HO, MOTHER******!!!!

 Die Hard (1988)    Naturally, we covered this legendary action film years ago, but given the never ending debate about its suitability as a holiday move, we felt the need to weigh in......

              A no brainer issue. Is "Die Hard" Christmas-y? Yippy Ki Yay!

               There's a Christmas tree. A Christmas party.  Christmas lights.  During the end credits, 1950's crooner Vaughn Monroe warbles "Let it snow". 

               True enough, there's also non stop automatic weapons fire, brutal violent deaths, spectacular fiery explosions and displays of monumental property damage.  But in our current political discourse, all those things could also easily occur at any family get-together at Christmas......

               When BQ used to stop in to the video stores for whom I'd purchased movies, I began to notice "Die Hard" prominently displayed along side "It's A Wonderful Life", "White Christmas" and "A Christmas Carol". 

               I merely smiled and shrugged, knowing that most video store clerks were dedicated movie buffs with a streak of impish perversity.  That's why I used to applaud their placing of "Gorgo" with Mother's Day movies....(and why not? It's among the greatest tributes to mother love, equaled only by "Mommie Dearest" and "The Bad Seed")

               But back to 'Die Hard" as a Christmas staple.......

               Let's face it, after marathon shopping trips and a steady TV diet of Christmas specials, Christmas commercials, Christmas songs, Christmas romance movies.......aren't we all ready to sit back and wallow in 2 hours of death and destruction on a catastrophic scale?

               End of debate. 'Die Hard' will live forever as a Holiday favorite.......we wouldn't dream of missing a viewing every year around this time.......along with our other most beloved Christmas film, "On Her Majesty's Secret Service"  (while also features a Christmas tree, gifts, ornaments and a catchy holiday song)

              By all means enjoy "It's A Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Story"......but for true Holiday fun, you can't beat Bruce Willis dropping a dead terrorist off a skyscraper to crash into a police car.....

.             ....and screaming in triumph, "Welcome to the party, pal!"

            Season's Screenings to one and all!

'THE LOOKING GLASS WAR'.....ANOTHER LE CARRE SPY.....MOST LIKELY TO DIE....

 The Looking Glass War (1970)   Far, far removed from the fantasy worlds of James Bond were the espionage  novels of John le Carre (and the subsequent films made from them).

              In the le Carre books and films, spying is a grim, depressing, dirty business, punctuated with sporadic bursts of violence.......and no heroes in spiffy tuxedos vanquishing international villainy.  In the author's realistic depiction of intelligence services and their operatives, everybody's moral compass spins in circles...... The spymasters hide multiple layers of hidden agendas, sending out their cynical, bitter, broken agents on questionable missions. .

                And in such a duplicitous universe, almost nobody gets out unscathed....or for that matter, alive. 

              Writer director Frank Pierson makes a competent enough effort to display all the cruel ironies inherent in le Carre's world of counterintelligence. He assembles a superb lineup of the top-notch actors  for the British MI6 contingent......Sir Ralph Richardson, a young Anthony Hopkins, Paul Rogers and Robert Urquhart.......

              But to the film's ruination,  its lead role went to Christopher Jones, an half-baked, no talent James Dean wanna-be in the midst of his 15 minutes of fame......

              Jones a brooding non-entity devoid of any human expression,,, became Hollywood's flavor-of-the-month after his starring role in American International's instant cult satire "Wild In The Streets".......with Jones playing a rock star who's elected president and rounds up everyone over 30 into concentration camps. 

               Moping through his movies like a heavily sedated James Dean, Jones was now cast as Leiser a young Pole who defected to the U.K to further co-habit with his impregnated girlfriend  (Susan George.)  Waylaid by the MI6 coterie, he's compelled to sneak into East Germany to see if they've really got a Russian missile to aim at the free world. . 

                Like the Black Hole of acting that he was, Jones sucks the oxygen out of "The Looking Glass War" every minute he's on screen. In a vain attempt to create the illusion that he's giving an actual performance, director Pierson had Jones dubbed in by another actor.  

                Sadly, Pierson's  ploy only tricked director David Lean into thinking Jones was actor enough to take one of the leads in his critically derided epic 'Ryan's Daughter'. Equally appalled at Jones' blank stares, Lean also dubbed the actor in yet another futile try to repair the gaping hole that Jones's non-acting left at the cire of the film.

               But now let's move on to the movie, whose plot machinations don't make much more sense than the casting of Jones.  Our so-called hero's mission goes awry in a hurry as he's forced to kill an  East German guard and a creepy truck driver who couldn't keep his wandering hand off Jones' knee.  By this time, the country's Stasi secret police know all about him, allowing Jones, the most un-secret agent ever,  to proceed without arrest, just to see what he's up to. 

              Along way, proving there's a cover for every pot,  Jones finds a romantic partner every bit his equal in vacant, blank acting and labored minimal dialogue recital It's none other than. Pia Degermark, the drop dead gorgeous blonde ingenue of the 1967 Swedish period romance "Elvira Madigan" (the first foreign film to become something of a date night hit in the U.S.)  So whatever criticism we might aim at "The Looking Glass War" at least the movie does pair up two of the prettiest 1970 movie people. 

             Lest me we forget the source material, the climax is pure inevitable John le Carre, delivering heaping amounts of pointed fatalistic irony......prompting Anthony Hopkins, who's the only committed patriot amid the jaded MI6 misanthropes, to throw fits of rage. 

              Overall, an honest try at a more realistic, grounded look at the clandestine wars fought by superpowers........but the living zero known as Christopher Jones inflicts more damage on the film than if that Russian missile scored a direct hit on it. 1 & 1/2 stars (*1/2)  Feel free to skip it. 

         

                

               

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL 'TEXAS UTERUS POLICE' EDITION.....

 

House GOP busies itself with no-evidence Biden impeachment, while Ukraine runs the risk of losing the war to Russian invasion without U.S. aid........in related news, Putin sends Speaker Of The House Mike Johnson a year long member ship in Borsht Of The Month club......along with a note reading, "Happy Holidays! Keep up the good work, you're a shining credit to the country....MY country!

GOP opens Biden impeachment inquiry with no evidence whatsover that Biden committed any crime....claims Rep. James Comer, "We have absolute proof and substantial documentation that Joe Biden took an afternoon nap somewhere between Oct. 3rd and last week......as soon as we find the 10 witnesses who disappeared."

Kate Cox flees the state of Texas after the state's A.G. and Supreme Court demand she birth a baby with a terminal abnormality and destroy her chance of ever conceiving again....in his own defense, Attorney General Ken Paxton proudly displayed his Bachelor Of Smart Stuff degree in Obstetrics issued by Trump University before it shut down....remarked Paxton, "I think that more than qualifies me to seize control of that woman's hoochie-woochie for the greater good....

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton deputizes Chuck Norris to again become Walker Texas Ranger and hunt down pregnant women who try to escape Texas for blue states to have abortions ,,,,, according to reliable sources, Norris was offered $5000 for each woman he captures and returns to .Texas, preferably still pregnant and barefoot. 

Elon Musk restores the twitter account of disgraced, notorious conspiracy theory troll Alex Jones......immediately prompting the Association Of Septic Tank Service Companies to nominate Musk for their annual "Pioneer of Raw Sewage" award.....an actual gold-plated replica of one Musk's diarrhea bowel movements.......

Rep. Jim Jordon threatens Hunter Biden with Contempt Of Congress when he himself already defied a subpoena from the January 6th committee......explained Jordon, "I don't care if he wants to testify in public......my Daddy Trumpy said hold him in contempt, cause he told me,  Jimmy-jam, you can be far above the law just like your step-Daddykins...So there..."

'MEG 2 - THE TRENCH'..........MEG AND JASON....SITTIN' IN THE SEA....K - I - S - S - I - N - G

 Meg 2 -The Trench (2023)     I came to realize some time ago that it's pointless to apply critical standards to a movie like this......

            Mostly financed by China, it's not designed for people who'd read reviews before they go see a movie. 

            Then who's it for?   Easy......for easiest-to-please audiences willing to put all rational thought processes in shutdown mode before the movie starts.....then sit back and let a rushing Tsunami of CGI and constant action assault them for two hours. 

             Now a confession I'm sure I've made before.....

             At times, I feel no shame in doing just that.......click off the brain, break out the butter popcorn and plunge head first into a movie so idiotic, so pointless, so machine-tooled, that I couldn't possibly ever make any excuses for it.......or for me caught watching it......

              Believe it or not, it's entirely possible to enjoy the hell out of 'Meg 2', if you view  the movie for what it is....(a soulless, greed fueled fast cash grab)..... once you make your peace with that it's surprising how easy you can extract actual entertainment value out of this move. Yes, you can shake your head in bemused disbelief while you gape in a state of delirium,  dazzled by pure unadulterated idiocy, fueled with millions of  Chinese dollars. 

               So you heard me plainly....I'm admitting to watching 'Meg 2'......and (prepare for cinematic sacrilege and blasphemy).....and thought it was....do I even dare say it?......fun.

               Talk about backstory flashbacks.......the film kicks off with a colorful live-action diorama of the Cretaceous period, with various oversized bugs and lizards devouring one another. A big ass T-Rex shows up to show 'em all who sits at the top of the prehistoric food chain......that is, until our beloved Meggy, the cruise-ship-sized Sharkzilla, pops up to snack on poor Rexxie as if he's a dino-chicken nugget. 

             From there, we're back to current day, where the seething, stoic Jason Statham and his bunch of multi-diverse oceanic explorers find themselves in one harrowing deep water adventure after another.....(none of which I'll bore you with any detailed descriptions......other than the gang's underwater with the Meg-inator, and various other nasty, toothy aquatic monsters....so you know right away a few of these folks won't be back for Meg 3...heh, heh, heh.

             As if Meg-alicious isn't enough for Jason, there's also betrayal and villainy from a host of standard-issue corporate slimeballs and minions.......but rest assured, they're all scheduled for their just desserts (literally) via Meggy-Weggy a jumbo Octopussy and assorted leftover Cretaceous cohorts. 

             This is only way to approach a movie that celebrates and revels in its own dumbness with no shame whatsoever.  Either love it for what it is.......or stay away from it altogether. And BQ visitors know by know that part of why I started this blog came from my lifelong, guilty pleasure affection for junk cinema,,,,,,the more outrageous, the better. 

            'Meg 2' is by no means any fly-by-night, mini budgeted cheeseball effort......there's eye-popping effects, ridiculous stunts unencumbered by physics or gravity, snappin' hungry monsters, foul villains.....and Mr. Congeniality himself Jason Statham.  If nothing else, these filmmakers worked overtime to show you a senseless, simple-minded good time. 

              And that they do in the film's climax.....where Statham, Meg-0-rama-lama-ding-dong, creatures and villains all converge on a busy tropical resort called Fun Island......

              Fun for us, for sure......not so much for the terrified Fun Island vacationers, some of whom end up as hors d'oeuvres....(something probably not mentioned in the travel agency brochures....)

             As a perfect storm of a guilty pleasure....'Meg 2' does its very imbecilic best to earn 3 stars (***)....but pardon me now while I retrieve my brain cells and clean up whatever popcorn I spilled on the rug...... 

             

               

              

'GODZILLA MINUS ONE'.....EXCLUSIVE!! BQ SITS DOWN WITH THE STAR OF ONE OF THE YEAR'S BEST FILMS!!!

 BQ:   Godzy! How've you been? I can hardly believe you stopped by for an interview with me!

GODZILLA:  Hiya kid......how could I not?  Always been a big fan of this site. You tell it like it is.....and jeez, some of this crap you dig up to review....you watch movies' more rare then the trilobites stuck between my toes.....

BQ:  Congratulations on your Toho film 'Godzilla Minus One'.....you're an international hit with better reviews than 'Killers Of The Flower Moon'  And 98% on Rotten Tomatoes!  Everyone (including me) agrees that it's not only your best movie in a legendary career, it's a beautifully crafted movie that pulls on our heartstrings and still scares the livin' hell out of us.

GODZILLA:.  True story.....when Toho pitched the title 'Godzilla Minus One' to me, I thought it was a rom-com about me trying to find a date to come with me to my sister's wedding. And I was so ready for that role.....I even cleaned off my back plates with scrubbing bubbles....

BQ:  A rom-com?  Really? You?

GODZILLA:  /An actor's needs to stretch, ya know?  For 79 years I'm playing the same damn role over and over again.....the pissed off reptile who breathes fire, steps on cities and fights whole bunches of similar giant freaks. Same old stuff. I wanted to think outside the box......maybe do a rom-com, maybe some inspirational parts, like a doctor or a paramedic, ....you know, a role model for all the little boys and girls who look like me.

BQ:  Godzy, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but no little boy or girl looks like you.....unless they've got severer anger-management issues, bad breath  and terminal eczema........

GODZILLA:  Hey, all those little bastards love me! They get off on seeing me step on people and reduce an an entire country to rubble .....like I'm kinda the amphibious Donald Trump. But I got bigger fish to fry than frying Tokyo. I'm currently attached to a 'go' project, a romantic psychological thriller along with Jennifer Lawrence.

BQ:  You and J-Law?  Wow, I'm struggling to picture that........

GODZILLA: Believe it, baby!  And aww, that cutie-pie Jennifer......so cute I could eat her all up....literally.

BQ:   No, don't do that, please. Let's get back to 'Godzilla Minus One'. In all your films, I've never seen you as mean and frightening as you are in this one.  And holy radiation, you fire breath ignites nuclear mushroom clouds!

GODZILLA:   Pretty sweet, huh?  The director's idea, God bless 'im.  He made me wolf down 1000 Taco Bell burritos before I'd let fly with the morning breath. So no CGI needed whatsoever. It was all me.

BQ:  I was so blown away watching you......come to think of it, so were the 5000 people  fleeing you   in Ginza.....totally blown away. 

GODZILLA:  Oh you bet Jurassic on that!  Better than those wussie Warner Brothers Godzilla movies, right?

BQ:   Exactly!  I kept thinking those WB executive pumping out those Monster-verse entries should study 'Minus One' and learn how to properly make a freakin' Godzilla movie. 

GODZILLA:  You do know that's not actually me appearing in those Warners trainwrecks don't you?

BQ:  Wait....you're kidding? That's not you?

GODZILLA:  Hell no. Those Hollywood sons-of-bitches used A.I. to duplicate me. Did a suck-ass job of it too, givin' me a beer gut, like I've been doin' all night keggers with King Ghidorah.   That's why I walked the picket lines at the SAG strike, to get a better deal on that A.I. bullshit. And you better believe I'll make mucho bank on the new contract.

BQ:  You went on the SAG picket lines? How did we not hear about that?  And no photos either?

GODZILLA:   Yeah....about that. My P.R. team went into damage control after I accidentally stepped on Hugh Grant while walkin' the line. He's okay, but now the only thing he'll ever play is an Oompa Loompa in the 'Wonka' movie.  He shouldn't be too pissed about it, though. After all, he beat me out for that role.  And I'd worked all night on that effin' song too....''oompa-loompa doo  ba dee doo"

BQ:  No doubt you would've killed in that role. Multiple people, probably.  Speaking of music, in your new film, what a jaw dropping showstopper that was, throwing in the original iconic Akira Ifukube score to accompany the climactic battle. 

GODZILLA:  I know! I know!  I snuck into an early sneak preview in Burbank about a month ago.....I could hear the sound of 800 fanboys creaming in their pants when that music came blasting out in super stereo. I got a better standing ovation than Taylor Swift.....who incidentally is attached to a project I'm in negotiations for....a Disney reboot of 'Old Yeller', she's a farm girl and I'm Yeller..... 

BQ:  Well, I'm so glad you took time out from your busy promotion schedule to talk to me....

GODZILLA:  No problemo, BQ. I've followed you ever since you reviewed one of my favorite moves, "The Green Slime"

BQ:   But you weren't in that, were you?

GODZILLA:  No, not me personally. But all those little slime monsters?  Everybody thinks they were midgets or schoolkids in rubber suits. Like hell. They were all my kids from previous marriages, and at least one I got from a one night stand with a flight attendant on the Red Eye to L.A.

BQ:  Well, let me tell you personally that 'Godzilla Minus One' is one the best movies I've seen during this or any other year.....and deserves all the praise and big box office it's earning.  It's thrilling, heartbreaking, terrifying......with everything that made me a movie buff to begin with.  And this blog is proud to give you and your film a radiation-hot 5 stars (*****), a BQ FIND OF FINDS.

GODZILLA: Love ya kid....mean it sincerely, let's do lunch soon. (SOUND OF PHONE RINGING) I'd kiss ya, but the breath thing you know.....I might burn your face off....You'll excuse me, I gotta take this call......'Taylor!  What's shakin'', sweet potato?  When ya gonna dump that football stiff  and go out with me?  Yeh, they Fed-exed me the rewrites..... now they want us to do 'Bambi'....you in the title role, me as Thumper....we'll nail it, sweetheart......