The Northman (2022) If there was ever a movie that looked utterly free of studio meddling, it's this one.
And yet, according to its director Robert Eggars (that master of stark visualism in "The Witch" and "The Lighthouse"), he got plenty of studio notes from the film's distributors, Universal and its indie subsidiary Focus features.
Really? Seriously? Coulda fooled us.
After a viewing, we got the impression nobody from the studio ever laid eyes on this movie.....137 minutes of brutal, grungy, sword-swingin', gut-slicin', skull-splittin' Viking mayhem.
We can't even imagine what "The Northman" would've looked like without the studio's advice and tampering.
Ha! But we found out.
With the help of our sleazy Los Angeles private eye JJ Gittes Jr., we seized a stash of studio notes given to Robert Eggers during the shooting.......which we now reveal for your reading pleasure.....
MEMO: To; R. Eggers RE: "Northman" body count.
Bobby, sweetheart......we gotta control the carnage level here.....how about reducing the number of corpses down to a reasonable number. We're thinking.....800? 900 tops. Love ya, baby. Let's do lunch.
MEMO: To R. Eggers RE: More Defoe crazy
Bobmeister......if we're paying Willem Defoe to show up, you gotta pull some real Defoe-ness out of this guy. More eye-popping, more batshit crazy. We need the full Defoe here. Shmooze the guy a little, right? Then he'll come through.
MEMO: To R. Eggers RE: Anya Taylor-Joy
Yo there, Bob-inator......Yeh, we do love us some ATJ, and we'd love a nakey ATJ even better. Why not ask her, whaddya got to lose? All these characters are barely one step up on the evolutionary scale anyway, so why wouldn't she get nakey? Wouldn't hurt to ask....
MEMO: To R. Eggers RE:Bjork
Bob-0-Rama......tell her to keep her clothes on. Please. And no, tell her she's not allowed to wear the swan outfit from the Academy Awards.....
MEMO: To R. Eggers RE: Scary-ass Valkyrie
Bobster my mobster.......can't tell you how much we appreciate you you giving a break to my wife's acupunterist.. But jeez, did you have put the metal teeth in her mouth? The kid's own mother won't even know her.....
MEMO: To R. Eggers RE: Body count...WTF????
Bob-o-licious.......don't wanna push the panic button just yet, but the continuity girl said you're up to 940......remember, we talked about this......also, the beheading count needs to come down just a tad.....lunch on me, have your people call my people.
MEMO: To R. Eggers RE: CW Spin-Off Series.
Bobzie-Wobzie.......it's a lock! CW wants a pilot episode in time for the Fall season. Any interest in directing? Hey, we got ya an exec-producer credit anyway, it'll come right after my pool boy's. Sorry, we couldn't get Timothee Chalamet for the lead......but we nailed down this 18 year old surfer from "Gossip Girl"
MEMO: To R. Eggers RE; Anybody left alive in your cut?
Bob-0-Mania! Sorry, but the guys at U and Focus not on board with the everybody's dead routine. Do me a flavor and pick at least one person to leave alive......put the actors' names in a hat....or on a dartboard, you decide. Studio's heavy in favor of ATJ, especially if she's still nakey. But they're willing take some input from you......psst, make sure it's not Kidman, they board's still looking to make a "Mummy" sequel with Cruise.....
MEMO: To R. Eggers RE: 10,000 hits in the last 10 minutes!
BobboMighty......hope you don't mind. We put those weird ass Viking tribal dances on Tik Tok.....holy shit, look at the numbers. Did you take a peek at the Burger King tie-in ad yet? 'Valahalla Burgers should jump to the top of the menu. All good things, sweetie.....see you at the premiere.
(So much for memos......we still liked the movie. 4 stars (****).
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