Firestarter (2022) We can't possibly start this review without a special salute to the two creative powerhouses behind this remake of the Stephen King novel........
The 'director'......Keith Thomas.....
The 'screenwriter'.....Scott Teems
These two talent-free non-entities, achieved something truly special here.
A film that is something we rarely encounter. A perfect storm of ineptitude.
We're talking about a movie that presents itself to the public as deficient in every single one of the filmmaking arts and sciences.
In every way that a movie can fail.......writing, direction, acting, editing, music, cinematography, this movie does not disappoint. There's literally nothing about it that doesn't stink, that isn't an all-time worst in every aspect of putting together a film.
It's film so unfit for unfit for human consumption, so staggeringly incoherent and inert in its miserable attempts to tell its story, we began to wonder if its sheer awfulness was intentional.
Maybe the purpose of making the film was to serve as a front for a money laundering scheme or an elaborate tax dodge by its producer, Jason Blum and his Blumhouse of low grade horror movies.
Those are the only excuses we could come up with that those who worked on the film might use to absolve themselves of guilt. Or maybe they've decided to deny they ever had anything to do with "Firestarter".......we wouldn't blame them if they did.
And no, as you can tell from our attitude toward this movie, no one should hold their breath waiting for us to discuss the actual plot points and details of "Firestarter"
We consider that refusal as a personal gift to the cast and crew whom we're pretty sure wiped it off their resumes already.
Want to know about "Firestarter"? Read the book. Or watch the infinitely better 1984 film version with Drew Barrymore, George C. Scott and Martin Sheen. (see our review of 9/12//19)
As for this "Firestarter", we suggest everyone pretend it never happened. Because from the look of it, pretending it never happened seems like that's what makers wanted to do when they started production.
Memo to Keith Thomas and Scott Teems......please do the filmmaking community, audiences and entire world a favor. Never direct a movie again. Never write a movie again. Find something productive to do with your time. Maybe try out to become Wal-Mart greeters.
Oh right. Almost forgot. The rating.
Surprise, surprise, surprise. AFH. An ABOMINATION FROM HELL.
Proceed accordingly.
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