Ambulance (2022) The normal way we watch a Michael Bay film is exactly the same way we'd gaze at a horrendous traffic accident we pass by while driving........
Shake our heads in sadness at the terrible, needless damage and injury before looking away and driving on......
Yes, he's back. The Master Of Cinematic Atrocities has returned with yet another noisy, mindless and near unwatchable chunk 'o junk.......
Here's the funniest, most ironic thing we know about Michael Bay. That in his heart of hearts, he truly thinks he's the ultimate master of action cinema......
When, in truth, he's without a doubt the worst, most incompetent director and editor of action movies who ever made a feature film.
Like all his other flaming movie turds, including the "Transformer" nightmares, all the major action sequences are either photographed with dumb dizzying camera movement or chopped into itty bitty pieces as to make them incomprehensible.......or a combination of both.
There's constant motion, gunfire, explosions and car crashes.........all of it thrown at you at a senseless hodge-podge of senseless imagery.
The plot, what little there is, involves a huge bank heist gone wrong, engineered by a professional hyper psychopath (Jake Gyllenhaal) who enlists his reluctant adopted brother (Yaha Abdul-Mateen II)a beleaguered veteran as the getaway driver.
Massive firefghts with SWAT teams ensure and our robber jobbers hijack an ambulance, along with its feisty, dauntless paramedic (Eiza Gonzales) and the young, seriously wounded cop (Jackson White) she's trying to save.
From that point on, it's a mad, mad, mad, mad chase through the L.A. streets, liberally peppered with carnage and crashes along the way......reduced to visual gibberish by Bay's constant overcutting and swoopy-doopy camerawork.
As for the two leads, apparently the film encourages an audience to be entertained by Gyllenhaal's constant chatty babbling, as if he's a refugee from a Tarantino film....(never mind that at heart, he's a vicious, murdering sociopath). And we're definitely supposed to root for the hapless Mateen, who's been ill treated by the VA and can't scrape up funds for his wife's desperately needed cancer treatments.
No we can't go on........the more we discuss this film, the more we recall the absolute misery of having to watch it.
We don't know which wag coined the appropriate phrase 'Bayhem', but we don't mind using it.......and in the least complimentary way imaginable.
You can always, always depend on Michael Bay to deliver a genuine AFH....an ABOMINATION FROM HELL.
And unfit for human consumption. Consider yourselves warned.
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