Forget CNN, The New York Times, Huffington Post, USA Today......only we at the BQ can bring you this exclusive leaked phone call between The Nuclear Powered Leader and Chubby Lunatic....(you can decide for yourself which is which.....)
A digital copy of this phone call was left on the BQ's porch sometime late last night, along with a new phone book and lawn care flyer......
We present you the (largely) unedited transcript of the call.....
TRUMP: Kim? Kim, is that you, you little misfortune cookie.....
KIM: Is this who I think it is? I feel like Charlie Brown.....I finally met the Great Pumpkin....
TRUMP: You should talk.....who does your hair anyway? The Muppets?
KIM: Let's see how funny you are when you start glowing in the dark......oh, wait a minute....you do that already......
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TRUMP: Believe me, I'm gonna hit you with such fire and fury......it's gonna be more fire and fury than I unleashed in the toilet after my last Taco Bell takeout.....
KIM: You can't scare me......everyone knows you use "Believe me" just before you tell a big fib.......just like the Asian boy said in "16 Candles"....'You big teaser'
TRUMP: Don't quote movies to me, you unrefridgerated six day old eggroll.........you don't want to mess with a guy who's got a nuclear arsenal and a Twitter account.........
KIM: Oh, big talker......how come you wear that stupid red tie draped all the way down to your balls?
TRUMP: Says the guy who looks like Blofeld if they remade "You Only Live Twice" with the Oz munchkins.....
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KIM: I'm warning you, Donnie Darko......I've got a nuclear warhead with your name on it....and one extra I can ship to Melania, since she probably needs a vibrator like nobody's business.....I offer free shipping....like Amazon Prime...
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TRUMP: That does it.....this means war.....with a hey nonny nonny and a hot cha cha.....
KIM: Ha! You stole that from "Duck Soup"....you can't fool me, my Daddy was a big movie fan.... ..hey, how's the Great Wall Of Trump going? Get the check from Mexico yet? I heard they said it's in the mail......
TRUMP: Listen, you poisonous little pot-sticker.......when I get done with you, I'll wipe out more North Koreans with nukes than Americans I was gonna kill with Trumpcare.....and that's a shitload, let me tell ya....
KIM: How about I lob a nuke into that big white dump?
TRUMP You mean Steve Bannon?
KIM: No, dummy.....I meant that big white dump where you park your fat ass in between golf games.....the one in Washington.....
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TRUMP: You got a point there, the place does suck.....but we're renovating......they're putting in a McDonald's and KFC adjoining the oval office....
KIM: Cool! Something to look forward to when we go all "Red Dawn" on your ass and parachute in.....
TRUMP: If you were at one of my rallies, I would have already had 6 guys beat the crap out of you and pay their lawyer fees........I'm hanging up.....
KIM: One last question...
TRUMP: What?
KIM: How do you keep the phone from slipping out of your hands? Those tiny little fingers can't grip it all the way around, can they?
TRUMP: That does it.....I'm hitting the big red Nuke button now.....nobody can say I didn't try diplomacy first.....wait...wait.....who pulled the wires out of the button.....General Kelly?.....Pence?.....what is that guy holding up?......a straight-jacket?......
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(CALL CUTS OFF)
Stay tuned for more breaking news......if we're all still alive.........
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