'THE LOVE MACHINE'.....ANOTHER JACQUELINE SUSANN SHOWBIZ DUMPSTER DIVE....

 The Love Machine (1971)        Failed 1940's movie starlet turned  thrashmeister best-selling authoress Jacqueline Susann struck gold with her surefire formula for publishing sucesss.....combine 4rth Grade level wriing with steamy soap opera melodramatics for publishing success, populated with thinly disguised fictional versions of real notorious celebrities.

        Smelling money in the air. studios would wildly overbid for the movie rights to her books......and then convert them into embarrassingly awful films, flat, tepid adaptations that only served to highlight the low grade mediocrity of Susann's clumsy plotting, primitive prose and ripped-from-the-headlines cardboard characters.

           Some major stars sucked into these laughable bombs would glumly slouch through them as if the studio was holding their children hostage as leverage. But others, getting into the campy, trashy spirit of the books, delivered over the top, scenery chewing performances that are still cherished by lovers of bad movies and often duplicated by drag queens.

          "The Love Machine" supposedly drew upon the life of the much feared and loathed TV and Movie mogul James T. Aubrey (a.k.a."The smiling cobra")  As the ruthless programming head of CBS, he clogged the network's schedule with country cornpone hits like "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "Green Acres"  Even more infamously, he ran MGM for a few years, selling off its soundstages,, shredding films in the editing room, and pumping out low budget junk movies in a take-no-prisoners effort to put the crumbling studio back in profit.  Which in fact, he did, but left MGM drastically reduced in size and stature.

         Susann's make believe Aubrey becomes local New York City anchorman Robin Stone, brought to life, if that's the right word, by the thin tall human mannequin John Philip Law ('Barbarella", "Danger Diobolik")

          Law, who spent his entire film career in search of a second facial expression, strides robotically through the film like an animatronic male model who stumbled off the runway.  He's a ruthless, love 'em and leave'em bastard who's out to climb to the peak of the mass media mountaintop. 

         In no time at all, to the disgust and hatred of his rivals and discarded women, he's running an entire TV network, making an unlikely star out of a braying, obnoxious Las Vegas comedian (played by the equally braying, obnoxious Las Vegas comic Shecky Greene)

          The closest thing this monotone prick has to a friend is a flamboyant gay fashion photographer (played with sly campy brio by David Hemmings, the only actor here having some fun.)  Hemming's got the hots for Law, but he's far too busy boinking the sardonic wife (Dyan Cannon) of the network President (Robert Ryan, picking up a quick easy paycheck)

         In addition to his general heartlessness, Law also favors slapping around women when the mood strikes him and you know it won't be long before his many enemies conspire to take him down.

       I'll not torture myself nor you beloved BQ visitors with the details, but all these plot machinations somehow lead to the one and only scene that lifts the movie into the guilty pleasure delirium we all hoped for......the sight of Dyan Cannon and Law engaging in a crazy tag team battle with Hemmings and his latest movie star gay lover. (the not so subtle homophobia running throughout the movie comes to full fruition here) If only the rest of the film could have reached such ludicrous heights

       But "The Love Machine"s director Jack Haley Jr.,who worked primarily as a producer of documentaries and awards shows, never helmed a feature film and that's painfully evident in every frame. The entire film plays like a listless dress rehearsal, with actors delivering their lines like they're working from cue cards. 

         The movie concludes with Law, presumably disgraced from that quadruple hetero vs. gay clash of the titans, wandering the streets in search of his next gig (running MGM?) while Dionne Warwicke warbles a song literally devoted to him by name.  

          Our strong advice......don't even approach this movie, thinking it's a night of unintentional yocks.....no fun to be had here. Leave 'The Love Machine' where it belongs.....lonely and unloved.

           Zero stars (0). Consider that rating a kindness. 

          

TWENTY SEVEN MINUTES....A FATAL ACCIDENT HAUNTS AND TORMENTS ITS SURVIVORS....

  Twenty Seven Minutes by Ashley Tate (2024)

       Even though these four terribly damaged souls aren't people I'd ever want to hang out with, their stories and fates gripped me for the entire length of this book.

        The story unfolds through the POVs of Dean, Becca, June and her brother Wyatt. While high school seniors, their futures all ahead of them, a tragic accident upends their lives, and thwarts their dreams, leaving some of them keepers of dark secrets.

         Grant, a high school golden boy football star drove home from a fateful drunken party with his sister Phoebe, an equally admired by everybody and also a scholastic overachiever. In the backseat of his truck sat Becca, whose passionate love of Dean, if revealed would enrage the all-controlling Phoebe. A fatal swerve of the truck on a dangerous bridge kills Phoebe, severely injures Becca. and cripples Dean, After ten years, he's still forever suspected  and despised for the mysterious 27 minutes it took him to finally call for an ambulance.

 
       Also deeply affected by the accident were the painfully introverted June and her beloved brother Wyatt, a notorious town bad boy who apparently fled their small town that very night.

      Ten years later, Dean, Becca, June and Wyatt's already shattered lives careen toward a planned memorial for the late lamented Phoebe, whom the town adored as their shining star and role model. And right on time, author Ashley Tate lets loose with everything you'd ever want in a thriller like this...... gut punching revelations combined with a double-beef whopper of a twist.

        Without a doubt, I found "Twenty Seven Minutes" as one of those can't-stop-reading, up-all-nighters that just won't let you go until every last secret gets laid bare. 5 stars (*****)  (But you'll never want an invite to these characters' high school reunion parties.....where the attendees might be asked to check their emotional baggage at the door.....)

'INSIDE MAN'....STALE, RE-HEATED 'GOODFELLAS' FROM A SCORSESE WANNA-BE

 Inside Man (2023)    While suffering through this soporific pathetic imitation of 'Goodfellas' , BQ remembered the flood of 'Pulp Fiction' knockoffs that flooded theaters and video stores throughout the mid 1990's......

         Junk movies, most of them......but in their slavish devotion to the tropes of Tarantino, they couldn't help but be fun to watch at the very least. Rapid-fire jokey patter, filled with pop culture references always preceded the sudden blood splattering massacres......and anybody could die at any time.....(my own personal fave among these included one that wiped out a sizable chunk of the supporting cast halfway through....)

         Ah...those were the days....

        Which, sorry to say, brings us back to "Inside Man", a dark low budget attempt to duplicate the gangsters-and-rogue cop corpse-fests of Martin Scorsese's "Goodfellas", and "The Departed".

         To save you beloved BQ visitors the dreary task of sitting through this, simply imagine a Scorsese cop 'n scumbags movie drained of pacing, dramatic impact and any hint of directorial imagination. 

        Our lead here is volcanic tempered cop Bobby Belucci (Emile Hirsch, the store brand DiCaprio) whom we see first see pounding his estranged wife's new boyfriend into raw steak....

        Reduced to desk work as punishment, the hyper, unhinged Bobby somehow convinces his boss to let him go undercover to expose a notorious bunch of kill-crazy mobsters. They're under the command of their psychopath-in-chief Roy Demeo (the film's director, Danny A. Abeckaser).

      As his point of entry, Bobby uses his befriending of Chris Rosenberg (Jake Cannavale), the gang's twitchy bottom feeder and something of a surrogate son to Roy. But Chris's dumb plan to cut his own deal with Columbian drug lords goes bloodily south, touching off the expected reign of carnage for one and all. 

        As the bodies pile up, the film throws in what it no doubt considers a side bonus, the sight of some poor sucker who owned the gang money being promptly executed and sawed into random pieces for easy dumpster disposal.......

        We realize we run the risk of making this film sound more interesting than it actually is. So let's make this clear.....

        "Inside Man" is a boring slog to get through. It moves at a comatose pace. None of the characters rise above the usual standard lineups of  'scumsucking goon' straight from Central Casting. The only Odd Girl Out here....... rom-com refugee Lucy Hale, showing up as the gang's resident bartender and part-time moll whenever a horny victim needs luring to his gory doom.   If only she'd had more than 5 minutes screen time, we could have stayed awake longer. 

        And finally memo to director-actor Abeckaser.......find your own voice and don't waste time  carbon copying Scorsese. Just ask all those guys who directed the Tarantino knockoffs.....if you can find any....

        BQ advises to stay way outside of 'Inside Man'.....not worth a minute of anyone's time. 

        Zero stars (0)..

'THE OLD DARK HOUSE'....WILLIAM CASTLE'S LIGHT 'N FLUFFY HAMMER MOVIE.....

 The Old Dark House (1963)    If we think about the possibilities of what this film could have been, our imagination runs wild......

          Just imagine this convergence...... Hollywood.horror shlockmeister and master of cheesy gimmicks William Castle crossing the pond to make a movie for Hammer, the gold standard bearer of cheap but richly appointed British horror.  The Titans unite! The weirdest marriage made in movie heaven!

          Alas....alas.....

          The result was a mild, less than lukewarm comedy horror outing that depended heavily on its wonderful British supporting cast.....and we're talking real iconic treasures here....Robert Morley, Peter Bull, Joyce Grenfell, Fenella Fielding, Janette Scott and Mervyn Johns.

           In addition to this stellar, quirky character line-up,  film also worked from the premise that American TV comedian Tom Poston's persona (a bland to the max timid little nebbish) would provoke big laughs when thrown up against these powerhouse Brits at their most lovably eccentric. 

           Hmmm.....not quite. Pleasant, maybe. A few random chuckles here and there. But nothing inspired, nothing scary and nothing worth laughing out loud about  If anything, in its dutiful, connect-the-dots tropes of a scaredy-cat guy stuck in a creepy house, it resembles those Don Knotts family comedies pumped out by Universal Studios.....except with far more dead bodies. 

         I won't bother with the plot, apparently strip-mined from an old J.B.Priestley novel and a 1932.movie. This remake hurls Poston in the midst of the very strange Femm clan, all living in the titular house and living off the interest of a family inheritance. That is until they start getting bumped off one by one, presumably by a fellow family member who wants the loot all for their own.  And since Poston's revealed as a possible long lost relative, he joins the suspect list as well......

         Sadly, director William Castle supplies none of his carnival barker gimmicks to go along with the proceedings......so no skeletons flying out at you, no joy buzzers under the seats and special glasses required to view any potential ghosts who might show up. (Spoiler alert.....none do.)

        And Hammer fans shouldn't look for the dripping atmosphere and beautifully photographed art direction of their Christopher Lee-Peter Cushing outings. You'll just have to satisfy yourselves with the pleasure of that marvelous cast.....Morley and Bull at their huffy, imperious best and Grenfell doing her usual dotty-old-lady in a world of her own.....

          You will see, as the film's one bonus treat, the actual hand and artistry of cartoonist Charles Addams himself in the opening credits. A great way to start the movie, given that the oddball family on display behaves like distant British cousins of Morticia, Gomez, Wednesday and Uncle Fester. 

         ......but nowhere near as funny and beloved as the Addams family.  Though fans of both William Castle and Hammer will want to check out this bizarre hybrid at least once....2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2)

'TERROR BENEATH THE SEA'.....THEY GOT SOME TROUBLES, UNDER THE BUBBLES, TAKE IT FROM ME.....

 Terror Beneath The Sea (1966)  It pains and depresses BQ to report that this long forgotten scrap of Japan-a-madness doesn't deliver anywhere near the unintentionally hilarious, mountain-of-cheese you'd expect from it. 

         True, you may smirk and snort out a few bursts of derisive chuckles, but even if you went full Mystery Science Theater 3000 on this film while watching it, you'd struggle extracting real campy yocks from the experience.

         Consider it a pre-cursor to the now legendary "The Green Slime" in that its cast is heavily populated with Caucasian actors....but let's also point out we're showing extraordinary kindness, gentility and restraint referring to them as 'actors'.

        Therein lies in whatever entertainment value you can yank out of this  film......the bizarre spectacle of watching this cast rant, rave and bulge their eyes out as if they're performing in Children's Theater.  They make the cast of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" look like the Royal Shakespeare Company.

         Smack in the middles of this group, we kid you not is the iconic Martial Arts God Shin'ichi Chiba....yes, Quentin Tarantino's beloved own Sonny Chiba, the terminator of countless fools who dared to take him on the "Streetfighter" movies......

        But don't expect any blood drenched Sonny-fying carnage here. He's more of a standard upright hero  and and what few tussles he gets into never amount to much. 

         Oh yes, we almost forgot the plot, but then again so will you 15 seconds after the movie's over...

         Two reporters (Chiba, Peggy Neal) are covering the U.S. Navy's demonstration of their new sooper-dooper-dooper guided torpedoes. Then things go awry in a hurry when they run afoul of an hi-tech, undersea kingdom ruled by mad, mad scientist Dr. Moore (Eric Nielson).

        The loony Dr. M's created his own aquatic army by transforming his minions into scaly FishGuys programmed to do whatever Doc wants, even pound on each other, just to prove how much he controls their every move.  Even with no pupils or irises, the FishGuys somehow still appear cross eyed and during the lame, arthritic fight scenes, you can spot their Halloween Shop costumes coming apart.at the seems.

         The true laugh getter here is the very blonde Miss Congeniality Peggy Neal, who went to college in Japan and would sporadically pop up in a few other of the country's sci-fi cheeseballs ("The X From Outer Space" and "Latitude Zero".

         We've no idea what courses Peggy took while studying in Japan, but we're 100 per cent certain that acting wasn't one of them. Just as well, since her Elementary School Pageant performance provides the best moments in the film........particularly her rampant hysterics, after she survives an aborted attempt by Dr.Mad-as-a-March-Hare to turn her into a FishGirl. Poor Peg doesn't quite end up in full scaly regalia, but moans in hysterics at the gobs of what looks like KY Jelly stuck on her cheeks from the procedure......

        As mentioned at the top of this post, there's very little guilty pleasure fun to be found here. If you must view it (possibly as a Japanese sci-fi movie completist), stock up on beer, your vodka of choice and massive buckets of butter popcorn. 1 & 1/2 stars....(*1/2)

'RAMPAGE'....MITCHUM, MARTINELLI.....AND PUSSIES GALORE....

Rampage (1963)....clearly comes from that kinder, gentler era when studios could afford to add volume to their line-ups with loads of modestly budgeted movies that studio chiefs could comfortably greenlight without putting their heads on the chopping block.....

           As much BQ enjoyed many, many of these little dramas, thrillers. westerns, war and sci fi and horror films, we often wondered......who believed in these movies enough to want to make them?  We can think of very few of them that were on any director's or writer's list of long sought after passion projects..... Watching them again in this day and age, more than ever they look custom made for TV..... which is where they all landed anyway.....

            'Rampage' works on two levels.....first as a simmering, soon to boil over romantic triangle and secondly as a bring-'em-back-alive jungle trek.

            A German zoo longs to capture an elusive tiger-leopard hybrid dubbed "The Enchantress". To nab this legendary kitty-cat, they've enlisted a seemingly at odds duo of alpha male hunter-killer Otto Abbot (Jack Hawkins) and animal friendly big game trapper Harry Stanton (Robert Mitchum, in usual semi-sleepy mode).

             Otto and Harry don't waste a minute commencing their testosterone pissing contest over who's the more manly man. Adding gasoline to this growing fire is Otto's hubba-hubba live-in huntress Anna (Elsa Martinelli). Harry wants to stake his claim on her, but Otto ain't havin' any of that......he's been grooming Anna since he found her as 14 year old war orphan and his machismo's wrapped up in both her and the stuffed wild beasts nailed to the walls as his trophies.  

            What could possible go awry for these three.....heh,heh.heh.heh....

           So it's off to Maylaysia with them to bag their quota of two tigers and The Enchantress herself.  And it's a comforting sight to see their guide is none other than Sabu, the original, now middle aged Mowgli. Anna keeps Harry at safe distance, but you can tell from her disinterested expression that Otto's finally hit his expiration date \

         As for as acting, all the heavy lifting falls on Jack Hawkins as we watch his Great White Hunter persona crumble before our eyes, undone by his own self doubt and barely contained jealous rages. Mitchum never goes beyond his usual just-picking-up-a-paycheck torpor and Martinelli simply stands around looking gorgeous, striking no real sparks with either of them.  (You'll find no sign whatsoever of the opposites-attract chemistry she enjoyed with John Wayne in Howard Hawks' big game rom-com, "Hatari!".

         We know right away this film's out of a different era as we see Mitchum's stand-in stuntman provoke and torment that poor tiger-leopard 'Enchantress' with a flaming torch. So nobody should hold their breath waiting for that 'no animals were harmed during the making of the film' credit. 

        But let's move to the movie's ultra bonkers finale......with rage-addled Otto uncaging the Enchantress to rip up Harry while they're on a train transporting the beast to Germany.  Guess who leaps out for a fangs-for-the-memory meet 'n greet with the crowd anxiously awaiting the star pussy's arrival?   You might say they find claws for alarm....

       Well, with the cat literally out of the bag, our three humans have a fateful showdown with her (and each other) on the roof of an apartment building.....where all four let out their...uh...true felines.....

       While we didn't mind gazing at the always stunning Martinelli, you're much better off watching her in 'Hatari'.  Hawkins attempts a performance but he's playing to an oil painting when trying to elicit a rise out of the bored stiff Mitchum.......all of which combines to make 'Rampage' only a guilty pleasure in spurts. Nice Elmer Bernstein score, but unless you're a rabid completist fan of the actors involved, feel free to skip it.....2 stars (strictly for the Enchantress, whom we wish had eaten the entire cast....)

       

'THE NAKED JUNGLE'....CHARLTON HESTON.....WITH MORE THAN ONE BUG UP HIS ASS.....

The Naked Jungle (1954)....We're not all that knowledgeable about all the historic events of 1954, but this much we can tell you......in Hollywood it was one hell of a year for ants. 

           In the spring of that year, Paramount rolled out this fast 'n pulpy adaptation of Carl Stephenson's famed short story, 'Leiningen Vs. The Ants'. It arrived courtesy of master fantasy-sci-fi producer George Pal and director Byron Haskin, the same powerhouse team who previous decimated the entire earth for 1953's "War Of The Worlds".   

             For those who happily cringed at the sight of Charlton Heston overrun by millions of ravenous, rampaging South American soldier ants, Warner Brothers served up an even bigger treat a few months later......literally bigger. Yes, we speak of "Them!" the one giant mutated ant movie to rule them all.

             But now let's turn our attention to "The Naked Jungle" that not only operates as thrilling man-against-nature story but allows Chucky Heston to once again sink his teeth into his patented character......a hot-tempered, autocratic alpha male and all around uncompromising son-of-a-bitch. 

             It's 1901 South America, where Heston's Christopher Leiningen, by sheer iron will and determination, carved out a vast cocoa plantation out of the dense rainforest.. He's\been toiling at this singular goal since age 19 and decides the time for sex, a wife and children is long overdue.  So with the help of his New Orleans based brother, he orders up a bride for some hot-cocoa co-mingling. 

            Alas, the Heston-ator's repulsed by by his brother's choice, the beautiful, genteel Joanna (Eleanor Parker).......preferring a virgin like himself, Chuck wanted a factory-fresh Bridal Barbie, but Joanna, horror of horrors, reveals she's been married before.  Damaged goods, in Chuck's eyes.

             Speaking of horror, even more woes beset Heston with the coming of  'the marabunta'....a once-in-lifetime convergence of those rapacious, devouring ants, cutting a swath through the steamy jungles like a grounded plague of locusts.

            Not one to back down from a mere onslaught of bugs, Chuck more or less says 'Bring it!'  Fortifying the plantation as best he can, he prepares for an Alamo-like last stand.......(and by this time, Parker's Joanna, proves she's mad of sterner stuff, winning Chuck''s love and sticking it out with him for the final assault.  

             At long last we get to the cool stuff.....the horrific waves of ants that engulf the landscape, stripping a few unlucky human victims right down to the bones. When confronted with moats, the clever little bastards hop aboard leaves to ferry them across.

           Seems like all is lost for our boy Chucky, until he tries a Hail Mary pass by blowing up a dam to flood the entire plantation. This bold move unfortunately requires him to dash across fields saturated with the voracious vermin who swarm over all over him as fresh prime rib. 

          Back in the days of late night movies on TV, we never missed a viewing of this movie and we still love it to pieces and it still holds up, with its steamy brew of. bubbling melodrama and grisly ant scenes. For 1954, the effects are surprisingly vivid and well done though we wish they'd found some real army ants for the close-ups.....(it's obvious the ones on display are those literal garden variety, picnic-spoiling American buggers...)

          This 'Jungle' remains a classic, old fashioned, drama-adventure left over from Hollywood's Golden Age. BQ says make it a double feature with "Them!" for maximum enjoyment......no bug spray needed, just plenty of popcorn.....4 & 1/2 stars (****1/2)

'WHISPERS IN THE DARK'....IT'S THE 90'S.....KINKY IN BED? YOU'LL END UP DEAD.....

 Whispers In The Dark (1992)    Let us now gather round and fondly remember that long lost genre that flourished in the 1990's......the glossy, twisty psychological sex thriller....

          Oh how we couldn't get enough of these.....kicking off with Sharon Stone flaunting her genitals in "Basic Instinct" and followed by an overheated landslide and imitators and knockoffs. You could find them on the big screen starring the A-listers of the time, or pick up any one of hundreds of rock-bottom, direct-to-VHS wanna-be copycats.....

           'Whispers' as you can see from the cast, falls into the big screen category with recognizable stars and top-of-the-line production values. The tropes are all in place.......weird kinky sex, multiple red herring suspects, and twists designed to make you gasp out, "...didn't see THAT coming...."

            Now let's take at the peek at the couch of sweetly empathetic shrink Ann Hecker (Annabella Sciorra). And what a pair of prime whack-a-doodles she's analyzing.......hot-to-trot Eve (Deborah Unger) whose unidentified boyfriend helps her enjoy being tied up and hung up like a beef carcass, and former stalker-abuser John (John Leguizamo), now working out his obsessions in his popular gallery portraits of naked women.......

            While all this transpires, Ann stumbles into a meet-cute with seemingly perfect private pilot (and gentlemanly studmuffin)  Doug (Jamey Sheridan, behaving like he's trying out for 'The Bachelor'). But things go awry when Eve's found permanently hung for real.......and puts Ann in the crosshairs of relentless homicide cop Larry Morgenstern (Anthony LaPaglia). Larry's determined to pin the murder on creepy little John, putting pressure on Ann to give up her confidential patient note

           So what's a troubled, conflicted shrink to do? (Especially when supposed stalwart Doug isn't quite as practically perfect as he first appears).As the twists (and bodies) pile up, Ann seeks solace and advice from her own shrink, her sympathetic professor and long time mentor Leo Green (Alan Alda).

          I've tried to lay this stuff out minus the various shocking reveals and deaths that transpire to bedevil poor Ann.....after all, why else would anyone watch a film like this?  But fair warning, if any of you have seen other psycho-thriller movies of this era, the HUGE SURPRISE of the finale is ridiculously obvious......and easily telegraphed if you're paying close attention. 

         But here at BQ, we couldn't care less.......we positively reveled in the bonkers, over-the-top,            so-called surprise, which gives the actor involved a golden opportunity to chew the scenery as if the furniture's made out of Twizzlers.  When it comes to the perp showdowns, nobody familiar with these movies expects restraint, or for that matter, even a smidgen of believability.

       The cast ably performs what's required of them, but we feel a bit sorry for Jill Clayburgh, who was coming to the tail end of her reign as a star of major films......more than the equal of the other actors on board, she's sadly wasted here in a minor throwaway role. 

        If you hold any cherished memories of films in this genre and haven't seen 'Whispers', put it on your viewing list right away.....(we caught it on Hoopla, where you can watch it free with your library card). If the dumb twists and feverish hysterical performances appear silly to you, then pas it by.....

        As in love as we are with dumb twists and feverish hysterical performances, BQ stood helpless to resist....2 & 1/2 guilty pleasure stars (**1/2).

            

WEEKEND MADNESS WRAP-UP......SPECIAL 'AMERICAN CAUCUS CARNAGE' EDITION.....

 In snow and ice stricken Iowa, a fraction of Trumpanzees manage to tramp through the snow to caucus for their dear leader, while most prefer to sit home watching NFL playoffs......prompting Trump to promise to take his revenge on every player involved in each game.....("I will open a full investigation in the NFL and replace all football with wrestling, monster truck shows and roller derby..."

Judge in E.Jean Carrol's second defamation trial against Trump threatens to throw him out for his behavior....to which Trump replies, "I'd love it", then the Judge answers "I know, because you can't control yourself".....In a private conference, Trump's attorneys calm the furious judge, explaining they're brought in specially trained Daycare workers with toys, snacks and XXL sized diapers to keep Trump silent if he attends any more court sessions.....

Nikki Haley oh so gently criticizes Trump for his perpetual ongoing chaos, but still promises to pardon him.....even as he mocks her Indian birth name.....later whispering to reporters, "Listen, once tubby lets me be Vice President, all I have to do is wait for a few more KFC buckets and Quarter Pounders to finish him off....

MAGA Republicans stall on desperately needed aid to Ukraine......a few of them express confusion about the gold medallions sent to them directly by Vladimir Putin....until the google the English translation of the engraving on the medal....Russian for "Useful Idiot"

Millions of American voters suffer massive bouts of depression at the idea of another Trump Vs. Biden Presidential race.....in anticipation of election night, the Orville Redenbacher company will introduce a new flavor.... butter popcorn laced with Xanax, expecting sales to soar.....

'THE NAKED KISS'.....SAM FULLER'S PULP SUBURBIA ....

 The Naked Kiss (1964)   When it came to opening scenes that would grab an audience by their throats and dare them to watch the rest of the movie, iconic pulp fictioneer Sam Fuller had no equal......

             And the opening minutes of the celebrated writer-director's most lurid film became instantly legendary, beloved forever by cinema historians.....

             Unless you slipped into a coma before the lights went down, how could anyone not pay attention to the spectacle of a tall blonde prostitute beating the crap out her pimp, yanking off her blonde wig to reveal a shaved bald head shinier than Yul Brynner's.......

            Our take-no-crap workin' girl Kelly (Constance Towers) only extracts from the pummeled procurer the 75 bucks owed her and promptly departs for a small, sleepy town in the heartland. She's hoping to carve out an all new respectable life and what a perfect place to start......a town centered around and devoted to its hospital for ailing children....

             But after a picking up some quick cash with a roll in the sheets from the town's top cop Griff (Anthony Eisley), he tells her to hit the road for the neighboring burg.. Over there, he explains, she can find suitable trade in the house of Bon Bons, run by Madame Candy (Virginia Grey).

              Kelly still yearns for a normal, apple-pie life, so she quickly becomes the most valued, cherished nurse at the kids' hospital, Even further outraging Griff, she wins the heart of his best friend, the dashing young Grant (Michael Dante) the wealthy beloved scion of the town's founding family. 

              Delirious with happiness she's never known, Kelly finds out soon enough she's in a Sam Fuller movie, where the fertilizer will inevitably hit the ventilator......

               And sure enough, Grant's revealed as a pedophile, regularly molesting his little niece. Disgusted and horrified, Kelly bashes his head in with a phone receiver. With Grant permanently disconnected and Kelly up for Murder One, she has one tough time convincing Griff  his late pal was a perv who boinked little girls.

             All of this plays out with Sam Fuller's trademarked, propulsive melodramatics, with every scene crafted to keep your eyes glued to the screen. You can feel free to pick your own favorite moments.....for BQ, it's Kelly laying down the law to Madame Candy when she tries to recruit one of Kelly's fellow nurses to join the 'Bon Bons'. (This consists, as you knew it would, of Kelly administering a beatdown to Candy and literally stuffing the 'Bon Bon' cash down her throat.....)

            And as if to more starkly contrast the film's perversity with innocence, Fuller shamelessly Disney-fies the crippled, sick children, constantly throwing their angelic little faces at us in extreme close-ups. The only thing missing from these kids are halos and fluffly wings to go along with their crutches.....

           Pure pulp goodness and prime Fuller, "The Naked Kiss" remains a defining landmark in this one-of-a-kind cinema artist's career. Not to be missed by anyone.....5 stars (*****) a BQ FIND OF FINDS.  Stop in to Sam's sleepy little town real soon.....but leave the kids at home....
.

            

'INSEMINOID'.....PUNCHIN' JUDY IN OUTER SPACE....

 Inseminoid (a.k.a. Horrorplanet) 1981    And now let's return to one of BQ's favorite places to hang out......the sludge mines of exploitation cinema.....

              Once the world feasted on Ridley Scott's groundbreaking (and chest bursting) "Alien", life became very tough for cinematic space voyagers in low-budget sci-fi movies......

              Whenever these bickering crews toiled in the far reaches of the galaxy, you could bet your intestines they would encounter some goo-dripping alien entity whose one and only goal in life was ripping them to shreds......(and sometimes with the added bonus of using these human suckers to incubate their disgusting offspring.

              So now let to travel to a remote planet in the Middle-Of-Frickin'-Nowhere galaxy, where our designated victims are exploring the planet's caves. 

              Let's get to the good stuff.....which involves crew member Sandy (Judy Geeson) getting knocked up by an appropriately creepy alien......

              Poor Judy and poor crew members. Preggers with twin aliens, Judy's hormonal mood swings go off the rails in a hurry. Now she's super strong, pissed off, homicidal and seized with sudden cravings....but not for butter pecan ice cream or pickles.  Nope......our gal the Jud-inator's got a yen for blood and internal organs of her crewmates......ouch. 

             The rest of the movie's a gorehound's dream come true, as cute little Judy decimates the crew one by one, in all sorts of ultra-painful, blood soaking ways.....oh yum yum yummeee. 

             And I sincerely believe that no other movie in Judy Geeson's filmography ever offered her the unbridled opportunities she enjoys here. Non top shrieking, flesh munching, and wholesale slaughtering of the entire cast.  If you only remember her as the cutie-pie who boogaloo'd with Sidney Poitier in "To Sir With Love", you're either in for a shock or depending on your point of view, a delightful surprise.

             There's really nothing left to say about this movie, having already given you the gist and high points. It's prime grindhouse......so either dive right in to the blood pool or don't go anywhere near it..

            For all sci-fi-horror fans, see it at least once.....3 stars (***). For mainstream viewers.......uh, well......look at that title again......you're not likely to see Meryl Streep or Robert DeNiro....okay?

'ILIUM'....A YOUNG NOVICE RECRUITED INTO THE DANGEROUS WORLD OF VETERAN SPYMASTERS....(*****)

 Ilium by Lea Carpenter (2024) 

 

      Yes, we know we promised film reviews, but we were just reminded that this superb new novel just hit the stands and libraries.....a sharp, deeply plotted excursion into international espionage for which NetGalley and the publisher gave us an advance copy to read and review.  And we didn't want to waste a minute here without letting you know about a top notch book you should jump to the top of your "To Be Read" list......

    This is very much a deeply perceptive character driven thriller and far far away from the high octane adventures of Jason Bourne or James Bond.

     "Ilium" resides more in that morally vague, treacherous world of John le Carre espionage. It's like a deceiving hall of warped funhouse mirrors where worldly-wise, duplicitous jaded spies think nothing of using their 'assets' as emotional bait as means to justify their ends. And their clandestine wars with each other seem last forever, an endless cycle of missions and the revenge they generate.

     Plunged into this world is the unnamed young English girl who serves as the book's narrator and anchor. She's been wooed and married by Marcus, over 30 years her senior and something of an 'international man of mystery'.........also an apt description of Marcus's lifelong best friend. Raja.
Marcus's young wife is persuaded to ingratiate herself into the family of the equally mysterious wealthy Edouard. She's merely to observe but it's clear that in some way, Edouard's in the crosshairs of those veteran spymasters, Marcus and Raja.

       At the reclusive family's scenic compound at Cap Ferret on the coast of France, our young fledgling spy at first embraces her adventurous and potentially dangerous new life. But while she forms a loving bond with Edouard's young son Felix, twists and surprises begin to reveal themselves.....and there's an inevitable but still shocking conclusion coming toward her..... with all the brutal ironies that come with spies devoting their lives to their 'tradecraft'.

       "Ilium" functions as a literary fiction thriller, so this is not a book for readers who crave perpetual shootouts and hairbreadth escapes. But its total immersion into character development kept me glued to the story from beginning to end. Every person here holds their own secrets, backstories and motives that propels the action and makes the finale all the more powerful.

        It's been some time since I've read this particular type of thriller, wary of confusing plots and excess verbiage. But author Lea Carpenter perfectly combines the drama and mystery as her prose peels off the unseen layers to her characters. Overall an expert voyage through le Carre territory. Well done in every way.....so put on your trench coats, brush up on your secret passwords and slide into a world where nobody's to be trusted.....and nobody's quite who they say they are....5 stars (*****)

'ARYA KHANNA'S BOLLYWOOD MOMENT'.....RIVALS FALL INTO ROMANCE AND A WEDDING YOU CAN DANCE TO....

 Arya Khanna's Bollywood Moment by Arushi Avachat (2024)

          Before we take our usual plunge into the great, the good and the abysmal of cinema, let's kick on the week on a cheerful note.....with a sweet little book that had BQ at hello....simply by sticking 'Bollywood' in the title......

    Pure fun all the way through. These days, you can never have enough books that keep you smiling and entertained from first page to last and this one surely fits that description.

      Just about every single YA rom-com essential gets thrown into the mix here. High school seniors sweating out their college applications while on the verge of preparing for their next big life journey.......an adorable competitive rivals-to-friends matchup that's been in the works since middle school......a unshakable trio of best friends gone hurtfully askew.......siblings troubled with a history of misunderstanding and unspoken resentment......

.
      As if that isn't enough for you, on top of all that (and actually best of all)......an upcoming full fledged Bollywood wedding, with multiple events leading to the ceremony, endless food delicacies, gorgeous clothing and that spectacular music and dancing guaranteed to lift anyone with a pulse off their chairs and on their feet.

       All of the above things keep swirling about Arya Khanna as she navigates her way through each one.....the thaw in her rivalry with arch-nemesis (but not for long) Dean, repairing the friendship-gone-asunder with BFFs Lisa and Andy, and coming to terms with big sister Alina, the upcoming Bollywood bride whose independent career as an artist provoked a deep family rift.

      I don't know how she did it, but author Arushi Avachat somehow keeps all of these situations in the air at the same time, making for a busy story handled with humor, sweetly tender romance, high emotion.......and that impossibly infectious Bollywood playlist (which you'll want to sample either while reading the book or right after.)

     Never been easier to rate a book 5 stars.(*****) .....so free free to start reading and dancing any time.....