The Ice Pirates (1984) We'll label this one a Guilty Displeasure.
It looks and sounds like the kind of movie that people describe as "so stupid and awful, it's funny to watch....."
Uh uh. Not in this universe or any other.
It's so stupid and awful......that it's just stupid and awful. And nothing more.
Back in the '80's, "The Ice Pirates" was one of those 'cable classics' that seemed to take up permanent residence as a staple in HBO and Cinemax's middle-of-the-night-wee-hours-of-the-morning schedule grid.
So if you found yourself up and around, contemplating the dark night of the soul at 3 in the morning, you were never far from a viewing of 'Ice Pirates'......(which could plunge you into even deeper despair.....)
And here's what you'd see unfold - a monumentally brain-dead 'Star Wars' spoof concocted by people to whom a genuine sense of humor was as far from them as the moons of Jupiter. .
Apparently, the film began its miserable life as a straight-ahead sci-fi swashbuckler......until MGM sliced the budget to next to nothing and decreed it become a comedy.
Not necessarily a bad idea.....and one which wouldn't reach full fruition until an actual funny guy, Mel Brooks, came up with 'Spaceballs' several years later.
But the C-list talent in charge of "Ice Pirates", director Stewart Rafill and his co-writer Stanford Sherman possessed no comedic abilities whatsoever........
And their gasping, desperate attempts at a 'Star Wars' satire are beyond painful to watch.
To preserve precious minutes of our life, we most certainly not will waste words on a plot description, other than to mention it involves a Han Solo-ish space stud (Robert Urich), a haughty princess (Mary Crosby) , hordes of slapstick robots and the worst special effects outside of a Roger Corman quickie produced in 5 days.......
Among the lowlights that still stand out......a 'space herpe' that oozes around the floor, a repulsive jive-talkin' pimp robot (a stereotype later adopted by Michael Bay in one of his "Transformer" atrocities)......and most bizarre of all, a supporting role for Oscar show gagwriter Bruce Vilanch playing a sort of fussy, chatty Jabba the Hutt type.
At some point Vilanch literally loses his head......but still never shuts up.....(if only they'd recruited him to write some much needed laugh lines. )
Do NOT think of this film as a breezy Guilty Pleasure, something to enjoy with a six pack or a batch of whiskey sours......
Believe us on this.......no amount of alcohol or any other mind altering stimulant will make this movie anything more than what it is.......worthless junk and a total waste of time.
Zero stars (0). You'll find more honest excitement and laughs in one of those infomercials about bathroom remodeling.......
No comments:
Post a Comment