Once again, we've got breaking news you can't read anywhere else but here......
The Beached Quill's top correspondents in Russia (and former triple agents for the CIA, KGB and the Girl Scouts of America), Tantania Romanova and Boris Badenov managed to uncover a recording of a secret phone call made to Vladimir Putin right after he finished his summit meeting with President Biden.
Yes, you read our post's headline correctly, it was a highly illegal call from former President Donald "Baby Orange" Trump and we bring you an exclusive unedited transcript of the call.....(except for us taking out the translator sitting next to Putin..
VP; This is Vlad Putin speaking. Leave a message or I'll hunt you down and have you poisoned.
BO: Vlad! Vladmeister! It's me! I know it's really you there pretending to be your answering machine.
VP: Who is this and how did you get this number?
BO: Don't you recognize my voice, buddy? It's you soulmate....Donny!
VP: Oh, it's you......the useful idiot. Only not so useful to me anymore, eh?
BO: Hey that's what you think. I'm still plotting to overthrow the government.
VP: What? You mean Iran?
BO: No, silly.....I'm talkin' about my government! Haven't you heard? I'll be back in the White House by August.
VP: You should be in the nut house by Tuesday .And in handcuffs by July. How the hell did you get this number? You have no more access to high security calls.
BO: Found it on a site off the Dark Web, "Famous Scumbags Phone Numbers". It's listed right next to my number!
VP: What the hell do you want anyway? I already told you, the condo we're decorating for you and the family when you defect to Moscow.....it's not done yet. You insisted on indoor plumbing and a urine shower for special visitors. These improvements take time.......
BO: I was just curious about how your meeting with Sleepy Joe went. I bet you didn't have half as much fun as when you used to meet with me.
VP: Ah, Trumpy, my little sock puppet.....of course it wasn't. After all, Biden's a f***ing grown up. An adult. With the best interests of his country at heart. With an IQ above the level of a carrot. In other words, nothing like you at all.
BO: Hah! I knew it! So you miss me, huh?
VP: Naturally I miss you, you once useful idiot. Who else but you would stand in front the entire world at Helsinki and tell everyone I didn't meddle in U.S. elections, heh, heh.....and not crack up into hysterical laughter saying it. Good times.......
BO: Speaking of which, Vladdy, I got a bone to pick with you over that. You really let me down in that election. What the hell happened? You let me lose!
VP: What can I say, my little moron? I did what I could. But you had too many millions of people who hate you over there in America. What you people call a majority. And who could blame them?
BO: Tell me about it. What a shitstorm......You dropped the ball and I had to resort to revving up those red hat MAGA imbeciles to storm Congress. There simply weren't enough of those shmucks to get the job done.
VP: Yes, I feel for you, Donald. But I've got to hang up now. Things to do, people to assassinate.....you know, the usual day's work.
BO: Hey, don't forget about your old pal, okay? Don't be a stranger!
VP: Tell you what......when you're sitting in Federal prison, I'll send you escape plans. Look for a gift basket with Russian nesting dolls.....but only if you promise me a threesome with Ivanka and Melania....
BO: Wait, Vlad, don't hang up! Don't hang-
(Sound of click and line going dead)
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