STAR WARS PREQUELS......SO HOW MUCH DO THEY SUCK, ANYWAY?

             Hey, it's Monday, so we can't think of a better day to answer a burning question that nobody's asked in almost 20 years.......

               Are the 3 'Star Wars' prequels really that bad??? 

              To prove our full commitment to providing BQ visitors with a reasonable, well thought out consumer guide, we re-watched them.......

                Just saying "we re-watched them", made us heave and toss lunch......we're still in the recovery stage of PTPS   (Post Traumatic Prequel Syndrome).

                 Our PTPS therapist, Dr. J. J. Binks, says it would help if we talked it out.

                So here goes.......one by one......

Star Wars - The Phantom Menace (1999)

                First question - did  anyone besides George Lucas give an infinitely tiny rat's ass about Darth Vader's childhood?

                 Second question - with thousands upon thousands of child actors available for him to chose from (most whose moms would fellate George daily to score an audition for their kids), why did he go out of his way to choose the most inexpressive, untalented child he could possibly find? 

                  Third question - Jar Jar.  An existence still mysterious as the dark side of the moon. And yet, in a way, a singular achievement.....in the creation of a character simultaneously offensive to who knows how many minority groups........(we won't even get into those pseudo-Asian chamber of commerce creatures.....)

                   Fourth question - in response to crushed fanboys who felt their souls officially sucked dry, Lucas claimed he didn't make the prequel for them.......he made it for little kids all new to the franchise.

                    .....which begs the question......how interested did George think children would be in the nefarious intricacies of intergalactic trade agreements? Did he believe the kids regularly tuned in the Bloomberg business channel in between playdates?

                     Fifth question -  what's with the rickety-tickety loony toon robots who collapse into pieces if you even breathe on them?   Did the future evil emperor-to-be buy 'em all on E-Bay?

                   One plus.....we became rather fond of the big fat CGI toad who'd motorboat his jowls at the slightest provocation.....but that's not enough to push the needle past a Zero Rating (0).

Star Wars - Attack Of The Clones (2002)

                   If nothing else, 'Attack Of The Clones' could serve as an overall category titles for "The Force Awakens", "The Last Jedi" and "The Rise Of Skywalker".........

                   We can only come up with a few random impressions about this one.......

                    Christopher Lee's lightsabre smackdown with CGI Yoda......no doubt the best combat ever staged between a 90 year old guy and a computer animated puppet.....

                   Hayden Christenson -  refer to the "Second Question" from the previous "Phantom Menace" review above.....just take out the word "child" and replace it with "adult"

                    Annakin and Princess Ooompa-Loompa (or whatever her name was) squaring off with creatures inspired by Ray Harryhausen's beasties.......the one thing we liked. 

                     For that sequence we'll swoosh our lightsabre for 1/2 a star.

Star Wars - Revenge Of The Sith  (2005)   

                   Our recommendation......Disney could have edited the last 20 minutes or so of this one down to 2 or 3 minutes and insert it into "Return Of The Jedi" as a flashback.........

                     As long as we're on this brainstorm, they could have also digitally erased Hayden Christenson and replace him with....well, anybody other than Hayden Christenson. Anyone with a pulse and more than one facial expression......(feel free to pick your own favorite....)

                     We longed for a crucial missing scene......Yoda explaining himself to the parents who to came to pick up their toddlers from the Jedi day care center.....("One of our alumni, went a little cuckoo, he did. Your younglings, in pieces they are. Sorry.....but refunds on tuition, you will have not...")

                     Let's have moment of sorrow for the mostly robotic General Grievous.......this poor sucker looks like he could have been the next model off the corporate assembly line if there'd been a 'Robocop 4" or made one hell of a efficient expresso coffemaker........

                     Beyond that, we only remember a whole lotta molten lava.....and recall hoping and praying that this would be the last movie where any character would scream "Nooooooooooooo!" 

                     (Although "Noooooooooooo!" was a exactly our reaction when we first thought of doing a post that involved watching the prequels again.)

                      1/4 of star......for the lava.