Rambo: Last Blood (2019) If you subtract the opening credits and the interminable closing credit crawl from this worthless film's 89 minute running time, there's about 75 minutes still left.
And it felt like the longest 75 minutes of our life.
The aging, puffy-faced Sylvester Stallone, lumbers through his final adventure as John Rambo, the killing machine veteran of the Vietnam war. Even when he's slaughtering mass quantities of people, he looks barely awake, like the very act of speaking exhausts him.
Anyone who held any hopeful belief that Stallone would create a well thought out, well written and carefully crafted farewell to one of his signature characters.......you gotta be shittin' us.....
This brief carnage-fest presents Stallone-Rambo as the equivalent of the later years Las Vegas incarnation of Elvis Presley......fat, bloated, semi-comatose, staggering on to the stage to deliver a 75 minute medley of his greatest hits.
And when Rambo left the building, nobody cared. That means no more Rambo movies, proving even a toxic cloud has a silver lining.
Or to put it more accurately, watching this movie is like listening to one of Donald Trump's latest rambling rants on Fox News......a dreary recitation of all the tired one-liners and outright lies that even Trump's devoted morons are starting to yawn through.......
That's who this movie seems specifically designed for........the brainless Trump Nazis who stormed the Capitol building on January 6th. They'd most likely swallow Stallone's vision of Mexico as a hellscape of heavily armed bad hombres and sex traffickers.
The film finds Rambo on an Arizona horse ranch, underneath which he's built an elaborate labyrinth of tunnels for the purpose of.......well, we can only assume it's for the purpose of the last 40 minutes of this movie.
His adopted Mexican college age niece foolishly seeks out a reunion with her scummy Mexican biological father......and promptly gets betrayed by her scummy Mexican girlfriend who arranges for her to be drugged and turned over to a pair of scummy Mexican slavers and their host of scummy Mexican minions.
Let the full Trumpian nightmare commence......
The usual occurs. Rambo's mission to rescue the girl results in his enduring an obligatory pulpy beating by the traffickers, followed by his overkill payback.
Which in turn is followed by the overkill payback of the traffickers who arrive at Rancho Rambo in one of those Bad Hombre caravans that Trump used to have orgasmic fever dreams about.
And this brings us to the Greatest Hits concert, a roaring, perpetual symphony of slaying as Stallone-Rambo blows up, stabs, shoots, slices, dices, decapitates,, bisects, tri-sects, bludgeons, and otherwise arranges numerous agonizing grievous demises for the Hombres.
The showstopper moment, of course, belongs to the principal Hombre, on whom Rambo performs an autopsy and heart extraction, while the Hombre's still breathing. After which our weary warrior, having made America Great Again, rests in a rocking chair.
At this point we can't imagine any further adventures for Rambo.....except maybe travelling back to Mexico and making them pay for the wall.
We'll say no more, other than it's never been easier to rate a movie like this. Like Trump himself, "Rambo: Last Bood" is a true AFH, an ABOMINATION FROM HELL.
Totally unfit for human consumption.
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