SPANDEX 'N VIOLENCE........YAWNING THROUGH "CAPTAIN MARVEL"......

Captain Marvel (2019)   Let me put this out there right away.......

           I'M SO 'EFFIN' BORED OUT OF MY SKULL WITH THESE MARVEL MOVIES!!!   DID ANYONE NOTICE THAT THEY'RE MAKING THE SAME GODDAMN MOVIE OVER AND OVER AGAIN???!!!!!
  
            Ahhh......thank you......I feel much better now.

            To be clear.......I don't give a rat's ass that this is first female-driven Marvel movie, anymore than I gave a rat's ass that "Black Panther" was the first African-American driven Marvel movie.......

            And whenever the Marvel movies come out that feature the first Muslim, homosexual, homeless, autistic, deaf and quadriplegic  superheroes......I won't give a rat's ass about them either......

             Why?   Because here's what it comes down to:

              ......people blasting, punching and throwing other people around as if they were life-size volleyballs......

                And that's the last 40 minutes of every Marvel movie in a nutshell........a volleyball game with CGI figures standing in for the actors.......playing the volleyballs who get bounced off the walls.....

               So don't give me this nauseating, overblown blah-blah-blah about origin stories, backstories, character 'journeys'.......and all the other endless bilge devoted to what are essentially paper-thin cartoon characters poured into rubber suits.......

                I don't know how we got to this point........where the Hollywood studios flush billions away on films designed for two demographic groups.......

                Group #1:  38 year old guys living in their parents' basement, working days as customer service operators for Zippity-Do Veggie Slicers......

                Group #2:   Anyone living in China, terminally depressed 'cause.......face it, they wake up every morning in ****ing China......and can't wait to ditch their pollution face-masks and dive into a multi-plex.....

               Oh right.......this post is supposed to be about "Captain Marvel"......

               They recruited Academy Award winner Brie Larson for this........but for all the nuance and acting ability this role requires, they might just as well have used one of the girls who points to the appliances on "The Price Is Right"........

                 And apparently Larson's supergirl is extra Sooper Dooper Dooper.......she flies, lights up like a firecracker and does everything but shoot laser beams out of her ass.......(maybe they're saving that power for the sequel....)

                  I suppose we're all expected to stand in awe at the sight of Samuel L.Jackson CGI'd back into his early 40's...........(Joe Biden must be contacting these digital artists as we write this....)

                  But let's hear it for Goose, the little orange tabby who steals the show.......in ways which I dare not reveal lest Marvel fanboys hurt my feelings with mean tweets...…..that is, whenever they're not terrorizing the Marvel filmmakers over plot points they didn't agree with...….

                   To hell with 'em…...and to hell with Captain Marvel........Goose should  have been the primary star of this movie.......and the one and only star it's getting from BQ....(*)......that's for Goose only......