My deepest thanks to gorgeous, resourceful MI6 double-agent 008 (Code name: Pee-Onya) for translating Putin's end of the conversation..........
Trump: Remember what I said, you hairless little borscht-bastard......no more meddling in our election.......(SOUND OF BOTH MEN GIGGLING.....)
Putin: Okay, Donnie, whatever you say. No meddling.......I promise. I swear on the graves of the last five people I had killed.
Trump: Journalists? Oh please tell me it was news guys. Make my day, Vladdy.
Putin: Heh, heh, heh........I never kill and tell. What's the problem, pee-boy? You don't like the....eh,what do you call it again? 'Fake' news? See what freedom of the press gets you? With you, everyone knows the fake news isn't fake, right?
Trump: I know, I know. The press is killin' me, let me tell ya........I thought the least they could do is give me a prize when I hit 10,000 lies.......you know, like when you win 50 bucks if you're the 6th caller on the radio station trivia quiz
Putin: I always win those.......they know if they don't judge me the 5th caller, a snoot full of nerve gas comes out of their microphone.....
Trump: Vladinator, you the man! (SOUND OF 'HIGH FIVE' SLAP.....)
Putin: Enough chit-chat. Down to business. Next year, I got 20,000 phony Facebook posts lined up for you, plus 45,000 fake Instagrams........top-notch stuff - Bernie and Biden having their diapers changed, Pete Buttigieg cheating on his husband with Rupaul, Elizabeth Warren dressed up as Geronimo for Halloween.......
Trump: I love it!
Putin: Shhhh! Don't yell that out loud like your idiot son did the last time around.......you got the FBI under control yet?
Trump: Not to worry. My personal lawyer, Bill Barr's on their ass. Trust me, he'll keep those boy scouts on a short leash.....
Putin: Personal lawyer? Isn't that toad supposed to be the Attorney General?
Trump: (SOUND OF GIGGLING) Technically, yeah......hee, hee, hee, hee.......
Putin: Trumpkin, you're the best agent I've ever fielded. Tell you what.......if things don't work out, you can defect to Russia, hang out with me here........we'll ride horses naked, take vodka intravenously, torture a few prisoners in the KGB basement just to stay sharp.......I'll build you your own little Trump tower to live in......with onion domes on the top.....and a 24/7 McDonald's......
Trump: Sounds incredible. You'll save that special girl for me?
Putin: Ah, you mean Pee-Onya. I'll have her ready...… I'll make her drink 3 quarts of ice tea before she shows up.......with no underwear.....
Trump: Oh, Vlad-o-rama, she's so my type! Not like all those ugly bitches I pussy-grab on planes and dressing rooms. Look at how hard I'm getting........I swear, you'd think Ivanka walked into the room......
Putin: Listen, before we wrap things up here, I send regards......your little boy-toy Kim says hello, sends hugs and kisses.....
Trump: Did he? Awwww, that cute little eggroll.......I just wanna wrap him up, take 'im home with me and put 'im on the shelf.........does me miss me?
Putin: Does he ever. Remember that waitress who put down the wrong fork in front of you at the summit lunch? Kim had her and her whole family shot.
Trump: Aw, what a protective little huggy bear. I gotta roll, Vladski, See ya at the 2020 inauguration......cause ya know, it can't happen without you.
Putin: Believe me, I know. ..
Trump: We'll get it done, you and I. Don't forget, I'm a stable genius.
Putin: (SPOKEN IN RUSSIAN:) Das Vadanya, you Useful Idiot.
Trump: (TO INTERPRETER) What'd he say?
Interpreter: Toodle-Ooo.
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