"FIFTY SHADES FREED"..... ......THE MERCIFUL END.

Fifty Shades Freed (2018)     Nobody could even work up an exhausted sigh relief at the finale to this this much mocked trilogy.......

                  By the time it finally slouched into theaters, the '50 Shades' pop culture hiccup had already dropped off the radar....tumbling into its well-deserved oblivion.

                   Well, not total oblivion.  It furnished punchlines for "Book Club"........

                   Sitting through this film is akin to closely reading all the fine print on your last ITunes update agreement.........it's even hard to generate enough interest and energy to laugh at it.

                     Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, who possessed little or no sexual chemistry to begin with, glumly wander through this movie like they're being held at gunpoint.  Given the opportunity, they'd probably be checking their watches as often as we were........

                    Storyline?  Does anyone care at this point? They get married......they have sex with cuffs and blindfolds.......they fend off a villain who never has any trouble slipping past their many bodyguards.......(the bad guy's hilarious backstory turns out pretty much the same as Christophe Waltz's in "Spectre"....)

                      What kept us awake? The decor, mostly. Their stainless steel apartment, Johnson's spiffy new office, a sprawling mountain retreat and huge Tudor mansion.......along with boats, Skidoos, yachts and the usual mass fleet of Audis........a celebration of cool stuff.

                     And a too brief appearance from Arielle Kebbel as a man-hungry architect who gets quickly shut down and schooled by Johnson. We randomly daydreamed the producers had cast Kebbel, with her flashing eyes and wide smile, in Johnson's role.   She might have given these movies something they never, ever had........a pulse.  Who knows, she might have woken Dornan from this 3 film coma......

                     But at the very end, the filmmakers at last display a sense of humor...........after a few credits start rolling, they cut to a jaw-dropping view of Dornan and Johnson romping and cuddling with their cutie-pie toddler son........and the three walking off hand and hand as they'd just finished starring in a Christian-themed film......(well, the guy's name was Christian...)

                     We can only assume if this tyke misbehaves, they'll chain his naughty ass up in the Red Room........sure hope they give the kid a safe word to use.........

                        1/2 of a star........and that's only for the houses, cars and Arielle Kebbel.