Did the earth move for us?
Honestly? Never felt a thing......not even one of our tax-free-shopping Blu-Rays tumbled off the shelf........
But the event did touch off our memories of movie earthquakes......such as-
Earthquake (1974) This is one huge block of factory processed Universal Studios spam-in-a-can. They still thought they could assemble their movies like longer, slightly more expensive versions of their TV shows.
For this entry into the Disasterpiece Theater sweepstakes kicked off by Irwin Allen's "The Poseidon Adventure", studio engineers invented 'Senssuround'......to give you the sound and feel of a real earthquake....
We're no high Techies here, so we'll give you the layman's description of this process.....two jumbo big ass speakers were placed in the front of the theater and would periodically blast rumbling vibrations loud enough to loosen your teeth and re-pop your popcorn.....
It was all about the Bass.....no Treble.
Here's the fun part: When the audio geniuses at Universal came up with this idea, movie theater owners around the country were already in the process of "twinning" their large single auditorium theaters. They accomplished this wondrous architectural feat by slapping a thin wall (installed by the lowest bidder) down the middle of the theater....
Presto. Instant two theaters, separated by wall about the width of the last slice of Swiss you had your cheeseburger.......
Now......just imagine the possibilities for the audience in one of those twin theaters if the one next door is showing "Earthquake"......in Sensurround. In the middle of swooning at the touching love story you're viewing.......those monster speakers from your neighboring theater erupt....and that lingering on-screen kiss is accompanied
by what sounds like a New York City subway train hurtling down the aisle.......
Needless to say, Sensurround didn't live very long......crappy twinned theaters, we're sorry to say, survived well into the 90's.
The movie itself? Hardly worth discussing.......a drawn out Universal TV show posing as a theatrical film. Half the time, they simulate the earthquake effects by shaking the camera. Really? Shaky-Cam? Are you *$a&%^a%% kidding? 1 star. (*)
You want a real honest to shake-yer-brains-out Hollywood earthquake?
The Rains Of Ranchipur (1955) Fair warning: 98 per cent of this 20th Century Fox India-set soap opera is beyond watchable.......something about Lana Turner falling head over heels for a dedicated Indian doctor played by Richard Burton. Yes, folks, we're way back in the politically incorrect 1950's, where Burton wears a turban and looks like the make-up department spray-tanned him with a fire hose.
But the hell with the movie, which, like most Fox Cinemascope dramas of the period, proceeds at the pace of an oil painting......
The main attraction: a whammy of an earthquake and subsequent flood depicted with show-stopping technical wizardry by the Special Effect department. State of the art stuff for 1955 and unlike Universal's 'shake-the-camera' drek, Fox went all out to produce a wide screen catastrophe that people couldn't see on their 10 inch black-and-white TVs......
And the studio got their money's worth, since the 'Ranchipur' earthquake/flood footage had a long afterlife, turning up in numerous other movies that required a glimpse of Mother Nature Armageddon....
For that scene in the movie alone, we'll shake loose 2 & 1/2 stars (**1/2) and keep in mind, that's strictly for the earthquake. For the movie in its lumbering totality.....1/2 of a star.
Now please pardon us while we check our movie shelves for any further earthquake damage.....ah wait.....there's a copy of an old Dr. Who movie that's gone askew.....
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