Crawl (2019) Rest easy........we promise you will NOT read a post that rages on about how idiotic, far-fetched and unintentionally funny this movie is.......
Duh. Of course it's all those things. It's a friggin' carnival fun-house ride........with stuff to pop out at you and make you go, "Ahhh!"
Applying artistic standards to a movie like this would be akin to discussing the finer metaphorical points of a loop-de-loop rollercoaster at Six Flags Over Nausea or whatever......
So let's get right to it......
"Crawl" made us cringe, jump, laugh, shake our heads.......and do all of those things repeatedly throughout its swift 90 minutes.......
It's damn fun. Yes, fun, fun, fun.
Okay, it's also stupid, stupid, stupid, if that makes anyone feel any better.
But if you give yourself an imaginary lobotomy before you start to watch it....(please remember that work ' imaginary')you could have a mindless, popcorn gobblin' blast......
How can you not love a movie that starts with a Florida university swim meet taking place on the eve of a Category 5 hurricane.?
While our plucky, championship swimmer heroine (Kaya Scoldelario) prepares to hurl herself into the pool, through the gym's huge panoramic window you can see what looks like a storm cell left over from 'The Wizard Of Oz' looming ever closer.........Ay, caramba.....
Our dauntless darling soon finds herself stuck in a flooded basement with her estranged father (Barry Pepper)......dodging two jumbo CGI alligators.......(with even more swirling around in the flooded streets outside the house....)
Let the chomping begin.......woo hoo!
Yes, we've heard all the quipping and carping and snickering about all the scenes of the gators clamping down on Scoldelario's various limbs........only to have her escape with all her appendages intact.
Here's our theory about that........clearly all the chlorinated water Kaya's been cavorting in has rendered her arms and legs extra rubbery and self-sealing. Plus the fact that these Florida gators might well be the elderly equivalents of the state's nursing home residents.
.........so their teeth might have seen better days........hey, it happens to all of us.
That would also explain why Kaya can superhumanly swim faster than they can. It's a wonder these geriatric gators aren't making use of those foam noodles that Floridians of a certain age cling to in their pools.....(we've been known to clutch one ourselves......)
The next thing you might scream about is the flimsy glass doors on the bathroom shower, which apparently stand impervious and unbreakable against repeated slammings from 700 pound reptiles......
Our theory: this obviously must be a house built Tsunami-proof, so residents can take relaxing shower knowing that the doors will withstand tidal waves, ground zero nuclear blasts, death star rays......and alligators.
There now. With this new information we've provided, feel free to fully savor every lunatic moment of this movie......you're welcome!
For the good time we had watching this......3 stars (***).......for those who turn their noses up at guilty pleasures and demand only Nobel Peace Prize-worthy cinema.........aw hell, you should have just skipped this review altogether..........
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