Instead, we thought we'd go CGI Dumpster Diving and see if we could pluck out any glimmering treasures from the mountains of digital sludge that comprise a typical studio superhero movie......
And in no order whatsoever........
Zendaya......somebody needs to get this girl her own movie to star in. Like yesterday. They stingily ration out her appearances in this "Spider-Man".....only seconds at a time. And yet, with pure old fashioned movie-star charisma, she manages to steal every little scene she pops up in. The movie ends up as a colossal waste of her time and talent. Don't believe us? Check out "The Greatest Showman"........
Michael Keaton Brilliant casting here.......the most human and yet at the same time, the most profoundly menacing villain ever seen in any Spider-Man movie. Keaton hardly even needs the up-to-date backstory the script gives him, making him a working stiff screwed over by the government......all he needs to raise your goosebumps is a close up of the bottomless rage in his eyes. The brief quiet car conversation between Keaton and Tom Holland's Spider-Man carries more unnerving dread and potential danger than all the previous Spider-Man villains gnashing their teeth while they toss cars into buildings...........
Jacob Batalon......a young actor who takes on the most worthless, annoying role any actor can get stuck with in a superhero movie, the sidekick Nerd......and makes it his own.....and puts a smile on your face every time you see him......
Tom Holland......Stan Lee's right on the money in his assessment of Holland.......this limber-limbed actor-dancer nails the live-wire energy and chaotic teen mindset of Lee's original comic book hero......far more than Tobey Maguire and poor Andrew Garfield (stuck in the two no-reason-to-exist-alternate-universe Spider-Mans, produced by Sony for other reason than to contractually hold on to their rights to the character.....) Holland comes precariously close to wearing out his welcome with all the twitchy whining, but that's more the screenplay's fault than his......
The home-made costume By far, the film's most inventive idea.....having Spider-Man engage in his climactic battle wearing a baggy outfit that looks like something the Halloween Adventure Shops would have to get rid of at 75% off on Novermber 1st. Genius.
And a final tip of the cowl to.......to Chris Evans' Captain America, who turns that post-credits teaser that fanboys patiently wait and salivate for into an up-yours meta gag......nice goin', Cap....
For everybody and everything we mentioned in this post, 4 stars (****)
For the movie itself.......we don't see the point in rating these superhero movies anymore. It's like sitting at the airport and rating 727s as they land......they're big, they're noisy, lots of people in them, they landed okay.....and oh, there goes another one taking off.......
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