Sunday, October 1, 2017

'WARREN'.........PAINT-BY-NUMBERS INDEPENDENT FILMMAKING.........

Warren (2014)  We understand why actors love upping their artistic credentials by appearing in independent films.......and by actors, we mean all actors on the food chain.....from 10-Million-A-Movie superstars to struggling lower-rung actors hoping to get roles to pay their mortgages and feed their families.......

                And why wouldn't they jump at the opportunities?  In Indie film, it's all about the actors and the characters they create..........simply put, they get to strut their stuff without having to compete with CGI dinosaurs, aliens, robots, tidal waves, car crashes and blooming fireballs.

                Here's the rub, though.....the indie world is littered with would-be auteurs in love with idea of making a film.......without possessing the slightest idea of how to make one. They give their actors great moments to play......but supply no structured story to make the scenes count for something....

                "Warren" stands as Exhibit A, another in those endless stream of  "a Millennial's Woe-Is-Me" films. Written and directed by its star, Alex Beh, it proudly bears all the afflictions of the most annoying independent films.......meandering, shapeless, a nothing movie going nowhere fast.

                 Beh plays the title role, a struggling Chicago improv comedian barely making a living as a coffee shop barista. Back into his life walks Emma (Sarah Habel), his one time soulmate.....the girl who, unlike Warren, abandoned her youthful artistic dreams, settling into a comfortable life as a high-powered businesswoman, complete with douchebag, Preppie fiance.

               And so we dutifully sit there and watch Warren attempt start-and-top conversations to win back Emma.......while he deals with his sad, disillusioned father (the late John Heard, doing stellar work as usual). Heard breaks your heart as a man destroyed by the collapse of his marriage to Warren's mother,  a brilliant, beautiful woman (Jean Smart).......but the script has no real direction or purpose, so his wonderfully acted scenes float through the film like little isolated islands unto themselves.....

               The BQ deeply empathizes with all artistically bent people who've suffered the slings and arrows of working in retail customer service (we have our own treasure trove of collected horror anecdotes we'll share someday)........but we groaned at this film's inclusion of the boilerplate sequence where Warren snaps and unloads on his privileged, entitled asshole coffee shop customers. It's the laziest ploy that indie writer-directors use to wake up their dozing-off viewers.....

               As a long as we're on a rant here.......

                            MEMO: To all Movie directors (both Independent and Studio     FROM: The Beached Quill

                       EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, STOP MAKING ALL YOUR KEY DIALOGUE SEQUENCES COME OUT IN MUMBLED WHISPERS, SO WE CAN'T HEAR A GODDAMN THING YOUR ACTORS ARE SAYING UNLESS WE TURN ON THE ENGLISH SUB-TITLES ON THE VIDEO........AND STOP FOLLOWING THOSE SCENES WITH POP SONG MONTAGES WHERE YOU CRANK UP THE MUSIC TO ROCK ARENA LEVELS.  WE DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOUR IRONIC CHOICE OF SONGS.......IDIOTS, WE WANT TO HEAR THE DIALOGUE TO FOLLOW THE STORY YOU'RE TELLING!!    WE SEE ALL THOSE "MAKING OF" PHOTOS WHERE YOU'VE ALL GOT HEADPHONES DANGLING AROUND YOUR NECKS.....PUT THE DAMN THINGS ON YOUR EARS AND TURN UP THE SOUND MIX SO THE DIALOGUE'S AUDIBLE.  BREAKING NEWS; YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO HEAR THE ACTORS!

                  Ah, we feel much better now, having gotten that out. Not so much for the movie , though.......1 & 1/2 stars (* 1/2).....

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