Big Zapper (1973) We stumbled upon this bizarre British oddity while scrolling through one of those random, obscure movie streaming apps available on Roku.
It destroyed our long held notion that even the crappiest British movie is still watchable because.....well, it's British, right? (And we say that as a lifelong Anglophile.....)
'Biz Zapper', named after its tough, sexy, asskickin private eye-ful Harriet Zapper (Linda Marlowe) labors under delusions of adequacy for 92 tortuous minutes.
The films purports to be (and we could only guess at its intentions here) a mashed up mash-up of 1940's noir, 70's Kung Fu grindhouse and 1930's Warner Brothers loony toons.
No doubt Marlowe, an amazonian brunette, secured the role because when photographed from certain angles, she appeared to bear an uncanny resemblance to Diana Rigg... (beloved by one and all, including us, for playing Mrs. Peel on TV's 'The Avengers' and 007's doomed wife in 'On Her Majesty Secret Service')
Marlowe's Harriet Zapper, outfitted head to toe in white, wields two 357 Magnums, and zips around with her boy toy Rock Hard (Richard Monette) asleep like a pet dog in the back of her spiffy sportscar. Rock only wakes up to nag Harriet for either sex or whippings.
No, we swear to you we didn't make anything up you just read in the last paragraph.
While employed by a rich guy to rescue his missing children, Harriet tangles with Kono (Gary Hope), a frenzied psycho counterfeiting kingpin and his army to dim bulb minions.
Harriet goes through them, in true cartoon style, like Popeye after he's popped a can of spinach down his throat. One punch or kick from her sends minions flying through the air or literally bouncing off walls and back into her fist again.
What a gal.....she even dazzles villain Kona by showing him her animated, glowing vagina.......let's see Mrs. Peel top that one.
When Kono unleashes a samurai on her, she tosses him back the samurai's head.....who then apologizes to Kono for failing him.
Again.....not making this up.
Director Lindsay Shonteff functioned as Britain's very own Ed Wood Jr., deficient in every possible filmmaking skill. Watching this movie, you can imagine what "Plan 9 From Outer Space" would look like with an all-British cast.......
Nothing more to say here, other than if you stumble upon this film like we did, keep on walkin'......
We're zappin' out an AFH award to 'Zapper'.....an ABOMINATION FROM HELL.
(P.S.:....oh sweet Lord, just discovered there's a sequel??!! Stay tuned, we'll track it down.......
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